Toffee Tries Firm Discipline

The old man and the old woman have been really busy lately, attending to family matters and working full-time, so they have not lavished as much attention on me as they usually do.

When I adopted them I knew I would have to take the rough with the smooth. I could, if wanted, get up from the comfy bed, side-step the tuna chunks and exit through the cat flap to find pastures new. But I have invested so much time in training these two that I don't think I can be bothered starting from scratch with new slaves pets.

When the slaves pets are in the house, I try not to leave them alone for too long as they are prone to  bad behaviour, like drinking too much beer and wine and watching too much TV. I have to nip this mischief in the bud by crawling all over them, demanding attention and keeping them busy with things like removing half-chewed mice from under the sofa.

I also keep them busy by walking over clean laundry with muddy feet, hiding vital accessories like car keys and shedding hair over their furniture, clothes and pillows. I believe in strong discipline.

Despite all these measures, the pets still sometimes misbehave so I have to punish them. Firm but fair, is my motto. One method is lie enticingly on the sofa with my stomach exposed, begging for a rub. I let them tickle me for a short while and then GRAB! While they are screaming, I shout: YOU. WILL. NEVER. GIVE. ME. CHEAP. SUPERMARKET. OWN BRAND. FOOD. AGAIN. Sadly, humans are not the most intelligent species on the planet and this tactic may or may not work. Frankly, I don't care, I just like doing it!



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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Isn't Happy

I have some extremely worrying news to impart. The old woman has discovered JibJib. This is some INANE site that makes little videos out of your face. *Sigh. Here's her latest. The stupid idiot said I was too "grumpy" so she was going to make me happy. It didn't work. Oh no, it didn't work AT ALL. 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE BLOOMING THING or click the picture.

If you really want to be happy READ THIS.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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You can BOGOF

'Scuse me, old woman, when it comes to MY food, I don't DO economy.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Illegal Entry

The old woman is oblivious to a major act of larceny which occurred this morning at 0800 hours. The perpetrator was neighbour’s cat Jasper who effected an illegal entry through the back door and stole my dish of tuna in jelly.

I shall let this felony pass, for now, but who knows what may befall the odious twerp in the future?

In the meantime, I AM HUNGRY, OLD WOMAN, need my breakfast. I am sitting beside my empty bowl giving her a very straight look - to no avail at the moment but she'd better respond soon or she will also be on my naughty list.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee's Busy Day of Housework

This is not me - but this how exhausted I felt after tidying up.

Today I have been helping with the housework. I have dusted shelves by rolling across them - admittedly I broke a couple of things. Couldn't be helped - collateral damage.

I licked a plate clean as a new pin. The old woman shouted, "Ew, Toffee!" and immediately poured boiling water on it and put it in the dishwasher, so I think she was grateful for my assistance in getting the original bits of food off.

I found a couple of spider webs and ate the spiders. Got another, "Ew, Toffee!" for that one but she got the feather duster out and completed the job after I had made a good start on it.

I tidied the old man's desk by knocking all the papers off it onto the floor. It's now the tidiest desk I have ever seen it. Can't wait to see his face when he gets home.

So that's my busy day done. If you need my help, give me a call. (Payment must be in packets of prawns.)

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Explains Schrodinger's Cat Theory

The old woman has been reading about Schrodinger's Cat. I don't know why; she's not at all scientific. As far as I can make out her experience of science begins and ends with using a Bunsen burner in the third form at school and nearly setting herself on fire.

As per usual, it was left to me to make sense of this very complicated scientific principle. Let me explain. Schrodinger said if you put a cat, some poison, a Geiger counter hitched up to a hammer and some radioactive substance in a steel box, the radioactive bit either will or won't decay. If it decays it sets in motion a reaction that will shatter the bottle of poison and the cat dies, if the radioactive bit doesn't decay, the cat lives. Like below: 

You open the box and it's either tears and a touching funeral or the cat jumps out demanding his tea. I agree with writer Terry Pratchett who said in his book Lords and Ladies, that there was a third possible state for the cat in the box and that was "bloody furious". 

Quantum experiments had shown that the behaviour of an atom or photon was dependent upon the observer. What Schrodinger was saying is that you cannot apply this theory to everyday objects, like cats. It was all a paradox as it WAS happening with the atoms and photons. 

In other words, the cat is EITHER alive or dead, irrespective of the observer. 

I don't know why Schrodinger was so sure that a cat couldn't be alive or dead simultaneously. It's an everyday phenomenon observed by cat owners the world over. See this picture?

This cat has "died" to punish you for some oversight or omission like accidentally throwing out his saliva-infused, stinky, half -chewed toy mouse, but as soon as you run to him sobbing uncontrollably, he will jump up and the scare the life out of you.

So that's the explanation. You're welcome.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Makes A Joke

Nice day today so I'm out in the garden surveying my territory. I'm in an unusually good mood as I've just chased that twit Rajah from next door back over the fence.

I've found some jokes for you (yes, ME!)

Here goes: 

What is brown and runs round the garden?

A fence

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?

Squash

The old woman is making a  herb garden, putting all the plants in alphabetical order. Her neighbour asked how she found the time. She said: "It's right next to the sage."

There is a bird feeder in the garden

It also works as a cat feeder

Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?

He's got green fingers.

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens

I was raking it in

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

What do you call it when worms take over the world?

Global Worming

What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

What do you call a cheerleading herb?

An encourage mint!

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

But you've probably heard of herbivore

Why was the cucumber mad?

Because it was in a pickle!

What did the George Michael say to the gardener?

Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?

He was hearing voices in his shed

Oo, I'm hilarious!

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version. Or look HERE.

            

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Toffee Executes Plan B

Good morning, one and all, on this particularly fine spring morning.

Yes, I am in an unusually good mood. It's only 7.30am and I have already grossed out the old man and the old woman. Cue evil laugh.

It was their own fault. I was up bright and early and where were they? Under the duvet, snoring, the pair of them. I tried everything short of putting a bomb under the bed. They are a peaceable pair and no bombs were forthcoming.

Not even my cold wet nose pressed against their faces or sitting on their heads managed to wake them. Even singing the song of my people had no effect.  Then when I found my food bowl was empty I had no choice but to put Plan B into action.

I went into the sitting-room and found three spiders - not hard to find spiders in this house, what with the abysmal level of housework. They're ex-spiders now. In fact, so ex are they that they ended up in my stomach. I found some fluff and swallowed that as well. Then - result - under the sofa was that dried up bit of pork I had been saving for a rainy day and forgotten about. That rainy day had arrived - it went down a treat.

I had a couple of gulps of water to make sure all the ingredients were nicely marinated, waited a few minutes, and puked half of it up in the old man's shoe and half in old woman's.

They overslept and were later running about like blue-arsed flies trying to get to work on time.

To say they weren't best pleased when they thrust their feet into their shoes was an under-statement. I didn't know they knew such language. The air turned blue and my ears turned red.

At least they weren't too rushed to forget to feed me. I'm now curled up on the settee, purring away, after I finally got my breakfast. Have a good day, Peeps.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life called Not So Sweet Toffee. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee's Scientific Fact

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

Scientists have proved beyond all reasonable doubt that you need to increase my prawn supply quite considerably or I will die from malnutrition. #ScientificFact #NotMadeUpAtAll #AbsolutelyTrue

Yours In Anticipation,

Toffee

(Do you think this will work? They're a bit dim so they'll probably believe me.)

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life - best book ever. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat's Busy Day

What a busy day I've had and it's not even lunch time yet.

My first task of the day was to eat my breakfast and then help out the old man and old woman by licking the butter off their toast. They didn't seem pleased with this assistance but they both need to lose weight so I'm doing them a favour. 

I had a visit to the garden and scared off several birds and the twit cat Rajah from next door (oo, I'm so posh, I'm part Persian). Then it was back indoors to wash all my important little places

I have played with Mr Fluffy Bum. And I have circled the big cushion on the sofa, making a nice big round depression.

Mr Fluffy Bum

Now I'm exhausted. Sleep. Need to sleep. Just a short 18-hour nap should do it.

Oh yes, I'm a funny cat!

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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The Old Woman Decides To Exercise

The old woman looks NOTHING LIKE this and she'd better not try any of these shenanigans on me!

I am lying here on the sofa with my paws over my eyes. Why? The old woman has decided she needs to get fit.

I regularly endure these bouts of activity when the house shakes to the pounding of her feet and I have to block my ears to grunts, moans and streams of profanity.

In her quest for bodily perfection - or at least the desire not to be winched out of a bedroom window by crane when she dies - she trawls the internet for hints and inspiration in the vain hope that the way to lose weight is to eat whatever you like and never move from in front of the TV. Sadly, no such exercise regime is forthcoming.

She has found a website called Fun and Exciting Ways To Lose Weight. She is very excited by it although I fear a lot of the suggestions are for people considerably younger than she is. She has taken a fancy to the thought of hula-hooping, something she did as a child, apparently. I'm afraid she won't be able to find one big enough to fit round her. It must be difficult to hula-hoop with something resembling a snug belt. (Oh, I'm such a funny cat!)

Other suggestions include twerking (dear God, NOOOOOO), strip aerobics (seriously?) where the idea is to learn moves similar to a striptease and get fit while doing it and belly dancing. I'm hoping she will try the sensible suggestions like swimming, cycling and walking, anything to get her out of the house. 

She's bought something that you pile fruit and veg (urgh) into to make smoothies. I wonder if you can make a smoothie out of prawns and cream? That sounds like delicious cat food to me.

The old man is already in her bad books. He was telling our neighbour that the old woman had already lost 50 pounds. She looked very impressed until he added, "That's what she's spent on some kitchen juicer thing." He'd better watch out or bits of him will be in it.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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No More Little Toffee Cats

I can't be bothered with all this lovey-dovey stuff.

The old man and old woman watched a TV programme about animal instincts last night. The programme mentioned the – ahem – instinct to reproduce. Left to their own devices male cats spray to mark their territory. They fight,  roam for miles and love a bit of howling, the louder the better. So they get the snip. 

So uncouth. Not at all like we refined female cats.

I'm happy to say that they can get the "snip" in order to stop all of the above. I have had the female equivalent so, sadly for the world, there will be no more little Toffees.

I can see the point, I suppose. On the face of it lots more little Toffees with their inevitable devastating charm and beauty sounds appealing - but I don't think I could stand the competition.

In any case, looking after kittens sounds exhausting. I'd much rather be indulging my instincts to sleep, eat and hunt.

If you want more information search: Cat spaying, cat neutering, age to spay a cat, neutering your cat, neutering and spaying, kittens.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat's House Rules

Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:

1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.

2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be). 

3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.

4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine. 

5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.

6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.

7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.

8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.

9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.

10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.

So those are my cat rules and my feline facts. Read them and take note, fellow cats.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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