Monday 26 July 2021

Toffee Tries Firm Discipline

The old man and the old woman have been really busy lately, attending to family matters and working full-time, so they have not lavished as much attention on me as they usually do.

When I adopted them I knew I would have to take the rough with the smooth. I could, if wanted, get up from the comfy bed, side-step the tuna chunks and exit through the cat flap to find pastures new. But I have invested so much time in training these two that I don't think I can be bothered starting from scratch with new slaves pets.

When the slaves pets are in the house, I try not to leave them alone for too long as they are prone to  bad behaviour, like drinking too much beer and wine and watching too much TV. I have to nip this mischief in the bud by crawling all over them, demanding attention and keeping them busy with things like removing half-chewed mice from under the sofa.

I also keep them busy by walking over clean laundry with muddy feet, hiding vital accessories like car keys and shedding hair over their furniture, clothes and pillows. I believe in strong discipline.

Despite all these measures, the pets still sometimes misbehave so I have to punish them. Firm but fair, is my motto. One method is lie enticingly on the sofa with my stomach exposed, begging for a rub. I let them tickle me for a short while and then GRAB! While they are screaming, I shout: YOU. WILL. NEVER. GIVE. ME. CHEAP. SUPERMARKET. OWN BRAND. FOOD. AGAIN. Sadly, humans are not the most intelligent species on the planet and this tactic may or may not work. Frankly, I don't care, I just like doing it!

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.