Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:
1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.
2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be).
3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.
4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine.
5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.
6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.
7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.
8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.
9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.
10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.
So those are my cat rules and my feline facts. Read them and take note, fellow cats.
* * * * * * *Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.