Monday, 9 November 2020

Toffee's House Rules




Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:

1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.

2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be). 

3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.

4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine. 

5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.

6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.

7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.

8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.

9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.

10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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3 comments:

  1. I think those are all very reasonable requests. XO

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cats know best! Especially Toffee!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I guess there isn't a lot of room for negotiation, eh? lol

    ReplyDelete