tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45568425027370267322024-03-27T23:54:46.280+00:00Not So Sweet ToffeePrawn aficionado, diva, grumpy, rude - but enough of the compliments, read on...Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-37768377839700643462023-11-30T13:08:00.000+00:002023-11-30T13:08:26.942+00:00Toffee's Old Woman Misses A Deadline
I'm not sure what a deadline is - to me they are a queue of dead mice in the garden - but the old woman is always frantically typing away trying not to miss one.They seem to be some strange things that force her to sit at her computer banging away on the keys and swearing a lot when she should be sitting on the sofa petting me. I'm not too keen on deadlines.Anyway, last week she was mortified Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-17672551640139801852023-11-27T12:15:00.000+00:002023-11-27T12:15:01.753+00:00Do Not Bell The Cat, Says Toffee
In the garden, looking for birds.Dear Old
Woman,I couldn’t help
but overhear the woman from number 42 suggesting you put a bell on me so that
the birds can hear me coming.
Tell her to
mind her own beeswax, the interfering old biddy. I will not be wearing a bell.
What does she think I am? A church tower?
Toffee
Dear Toffee,
Don’t worry, we
won’t be putting a bell on you. There is noAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-6835870256933335612023-10-17T11:38:00.002+01:002023-10-17T11:38:39.876+01:00Toffee's Empty Bowl
Dear Old Man,
What time are you
and the old woman getting home? I’m in danger of starving to death here. That
breakfast you left me was eaten by zombies while I was defending the homestead.
They must have crept in via the cat flap when my back was turned.
Mice ate all the
dry food.
I’m so hungry. My
life is hanging by a thread. I need prawns. Pick up a couple of packets on your
way home.
Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-22009782124977325342023-10-12T17:01:00.000+01:002023-10-12T17:01:08.940+01:00Toffee's Plant Skills
Dear Old Man and Old Woman,Careful where you step when you get home from work. Zombies have upended that big plant you have just re-potted and scattered it all over the sitting-room. You used rather a lot of compost, didn’t you? ToffeeDear Toffee,Zombies? It was YOU, wasn’t it, you little nuisance! You don’t fool us.The Old Man and Old Woman Dear Old Man and Old Woman,I'm pleading the fifth Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-54652088900537368222023-10-09T11:14:00.000+01:002023-10-09T11:14:56.098+01:00Toffee: Feline GuruAs an experiment the old woman used AI to generate this picture. What do you think?Some of you may not be aware that I am something of a guru in the feline world. I often get letters from other cats asking for my advice. The one below is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From a Feline Diva.
Toffee’s
Advice ColumnDear Toffee,
I admire all that
you do, especially when it comes to Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-43593891357493369062023-09-25T10:41:00.000+01:002023-09-25T10:41:38.931+01:00Toffee's Purrpetual PestI've written before about my neighbour Rajah - or the Purrpetual Pest as I call him. He's the biggest nuisance you have EVER met. He has the uncanny ability to transform even the most peaceful moments into chaos. Today I was snoozing in the garden when loud yowls shattered my peace and he came charging over the fence."Sorry, old girl," he yelled as he leapt over the far fence to chase Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-89511352027294215902023-09-19T15:10:00.003+01:002023-09-19T15:10:56.052+01:00Toffee's Messy BedHave you heard of Tracey Emin? She's the British artist who became famous for exhibiting her messy bed in an art installation called My Bed.I recently experienced something similar and had to convey my displeasure to the old man and old woman. Here's my letter:Dear Old Man and Old Woman,I went to lie down on the bed this morning and was astonished at how untidy it was. It looks like a Tracey EminAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-46716190410527879032023-09-11T09:35:00.005+01:002023-09-11T09:35:50.791+01:00Toffee And The Disappearing Socks
Dear Old Man and Old Woman,First and foremost, I must apologise for the shattered vase incident. In my defence, it was just begging to be knocked over, and it made such a delightful crash. The pieces are now scattered all over the floor with sunlight shining through the shards. I hope you can appreciate the artistic value I brought to the situation.I'd also like to apologize for the Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-11392020887269654572023-09-07T11:37:00.001+01:002023-09-07T11:43:32.562+01:00Toffee's Glamorous LifeMeow, darlings! I know many of my followers would like to know about my my glamorous life.(Old woman: "Glamorous, Toffee? Is this the cat who is currently licking her bum with one leg in the air?) Being glamorous is a lifestyle choice, a commitment to excellence, and a daily quest for the utmost fabulousness.(Old woman: "Yesss, if being excellent and fabulous entails getting stuck in Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-59640892148483354142023-08-31T16:44:00.004+01:002023-08-31T16:44:57.590+01:00Toffee Rejects Her Cat Food
Old man and old woman, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? Please keep to my list of approved comestibles. The recent brand of cat food you served me was not on my list. What were you thinking? I’m a cat, not a garbage disposal! I have standards. Don't think I didn't notice it was supermarket own brand gloop, faintly redolent of some kind of fishy flavour.There are certain flavours and Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-67723562446728210422023-08-22T11:53:00.005+01:002023-08-26T17:41:54.263+01:00Toffee: Fashion Guru
Those of you who know me well will know that I am something of a fashion expert. I don't, personally, wear clothes but my humans do.They are continually committing fashion faux paws (see what I did there?) with their misguided fashion choices.The Old Woman, especially, has an uncanny ability to select the most unflattering outfits. Picture this morning's ensemble: a mismatched outfitAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-20992296864793345872023-08-14T09:43:00.002+01:002023-08-14T09:43:44.888+01:00Toffee Questions The Cat FoodThe Old Woman called me entitled, just because I sent her this message today. Entitled? I prefer to think I just have high standards.(This conversation is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From A Feline Diva).Dear Old
Woman,
The time has come
for me to reiterate my requirements for my comestibles. Before dishing up any
old slop, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this food Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-9515966714414284862023-08-09T15:51:00.002+01:002023-08-09T15:51:43.986+01:00Toffee's Advice On Dealing With DogsFollowing on from last post where I reminded you that cats are superior to dogs in every possible way, I want to tell how to deal with those annoying yappers.Those loud, smelly, and stupid creatures that chase us around and bark at us for no reason are the worst. Here are some tips on how to handle them:Ignore them. Dogs are attention seekers who crave validation from anyone and anything. They Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-24081964305590164982023-08-08T11:13:00.000+01:002023-08-08T11:13:09.772+01:00Cats Better Than Dogs, Says ToffeeIt's obvious to all of you, I'm sure, but some humans need convincing that cats are better than dogs. I know, astonishing.So let me give you some facts:Cats are independent and self-reliant. We can take care of ourselves, thank you very much, while dogs are needy and clingy. They follow their owners around like shadows, begging for scraps and belly rubs. Pathetic.Cats are intelligent and gracefulAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-60593044227669513412023-07-31T17:25:00.000+01:002023-07-31T17:25:28.678+01:00Toffee's Guide To Training Your HumanHello, fellow felines! I’m here to share some tips on how to train your human to do your bidding. Humans are strange creatures, but with some patience and persistence, you can make them obey your every whim.Here are some of the things you need to do:Establish dominance. You are the boss, and they are your servants. Make sure they know this by scratching their furniture, knocking over their stuff,Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-61746015869899420302023-05-02T11:07:00.002+01:002023-05-02T11:07:17.267+01:00Toffee's Booker Prize IdeaThe old woman left her laptop on with her novel-writing app open. I glanced at what she'd written but wasn't impressed.So I deleted the 10,000 words she'd already written and replaced them. You have to admit this is a killer opening: 9u4fjvjty the93mfmepgh GN FORURKAP999 74. I suggested she call it Dances With Laptop Keys. The old woman wasn't pleased. Don't know why. My book is much better. Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-18066818360150799752023-04-19T21:42:00.000+01:002023-04-19T21:42:02.375+01:00Toffee Earns Her Entitlement
The old woman has just read this description of a character in a book: "She was swathed in a permanent air of unearned entitlement," and stared straight at me. I have NO IDEA what she was implying. I admit I'm a smidgeon entitled. But "unearned"? No way. I have earned all my entitlement. For example, I bring lots of food into the house. Admittedly, most of it is still moving - but you can't haveAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-67851080406707843182023-03-22T09:26:00.002+00:002023-03-22T17:33:12.906+00:00Toffee Tries To Join The CircusINSTAGRAM UPDATES: www.instagram.com/notsosweettoffee/Dear Bill and Bailey Circus,Owing to a contretemps involving the old man, a mobile phone dropped down the toilet and withdrawal of treat privileges, I am running away from home to join the circus. I have excellent organisational skills so I was thinking “ring master”. I will require a Winnebago to live in, prawns on demand and a velvet cushionAround My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-42614886026159007422023-03-09T15:55:00.000+00:002023-03-09T15:55:36.902+00:00Toffee Wants To Hire In Some Muscle
There I was lounging about on the windowsill when I spotted the neighbour's idiot cat.He's called Rajah and is the bane of my life. He pinches my food, leaves his smelly scent all over the garden and thinks he's sooooooo posh just because he has a smidgeon of Persian cat in him.I'm too comfortable to move so I hall have to hire in some muscle. Anyone got a spare crocodile?
&Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-11057538039860002162023-02-01T14:41:00.000+00:002023-02-01T14:41:25.670+00:00Toffee Seizes The DayThe old woman is running around like a demented cod and shouting "carpe diem, Toffee" in my ear. Seize the day? I see no cod or carp so I'm not interested!No, I'm going to build up my strength during a restorative nap. I think that's a much better use of my time than dashing around like a fool.Lifestyle tips courtesy of Toffee!
➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-79494548586707378832023-01-13T12:24:00.001+00:002023-01-13T12:24:31.936+00:00Toffee's Kiss A Ginger Day Complaint
Yesterday was Kiss A Ginger Day. Who on EARTH thought this was a good idea? I have to skedaddle pretty damn quick to escape the amatory osculations of my old woman at the best of times without making it official.I spent all day trying to dodge her attempts to plant a smacker on the top of my head. I hardly got a wink of sleep - only 16 hours compared to my usual 18. This day should be Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-7799434543731902962022-12-19T10:31:00.001+00:002022-12-19T11:33:03.710+00:00Toffee Loses The Christmas SpiritThe costume the old woman has been looking at on the internet.
Hope you are all ready for Christmas. I've bought my presents. I'm getting the old woman a cardboard box and the old man a packet of prawns. They are sure to appreciate the thoughtfulness I've put into choosing their gifts.Not that the old woman deserves a gift. I caught her looking at this cat costume on the internet. Word to the Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-53088124737754781242022-12-05T11:27:00.002+00:002022-12-05T11:27:58.890+00:00Toffee Talks About Acro-CatsI've been having a conversation with my old woman. This is just one letter soon to be published in my next book. Watch this space...if you know what's good for you.Dear Old Woman,
I heard you discussing The Amazing Acro-Cats with that
woman with the big nose from two doors down. You know, the one you can see
coming long before she turns the corner.
It seems they are a troupe of
performing cats Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-40900482923224827642022-11-28T11:23:00.000+00:002022-11-28T11:23:32.339+00:00The Hoomans Oversleep
My old man and old woman have been rushing around like blue arsed flies this morning after doing something called "oversleeping". They were tired because their sleep was disturbed by someone - ahem - zooming around the bedroom in the middle of the night. Whether that was anything to do with me, I couldn't possibly comment.They eventually ran off to work at the rate of knots, glaring at me as Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4556842502737026732.post-31353527872345705162022-11-21T10:24:00.000+00:002022-11-21T10:24:05.503+00:00Toffee Goes On The Attack
In his head Rajah looks like this but he's nothing but a plain old scruffy cat.Rajah, the stoopid cat from next door, thinks he's so grand because he's got a smidgeon of pedigree cat in him but let me tell you, he's nothing but an ANNOYING LITTLE TWERP with minimal hygiene skills.What has he done to upset me now? He's breathing for a start but apart from that he crept into my house when the Around My Kitchen Tablehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01840917368903178857noreply@blogger.com11