Tuesday, 30 June 2020

Toffee And The Empire State Building


If you’ve been trying to get hold me and I haven’t responded, it’s because I have been busy sight-seeing in New York. My visit to the Empire State Building was interesting. I could see the whole of the city from up there. 😹😹😹
The old woman muttered something about me being a monster at the best of times - which I’m taking as a compliment.
I have to confess. I haven’t really turned into a giant cat (shock). This is a photoshopped picture that was shared on Twitter by Michael’s Cat (@michaelscat2).
Some of the comments on the tweet made the old woman laugh:

I welcome our feline overlords.

That's fake....the cat is actually that big.

I will obey them like I would no person ever!! I believe in their magical wisdom.

Best thing to do on Twitter.

Oh! I want that! More to hug.

Catzilla.

Cat Kong.

This was the old woman's favourite: “Correction: You photoshopped the Empire State Building onto your giant cat!”
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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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Thursday, 25 June 2020

Toffee Wants A Sling

I’m trying to persuade the old man to buy one of these. So far he does not seem interested and is happy to dump me off his lap whenever he gets up. Such treatment is unnecessary.
It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a flibbertigibbet. I get settled down and he wants to pee. I settle down again and he needs a snack. I get back on his lap and he decides he wants a cup of tea to go with the snack. Why he couldn't get the both together is beyond me; he is a stranger to forward planning.
I think some kind of sling like the one above would create minimal disruption and if he was careful, wouldn't even wake me up. Come on, old man, get a grip.By the way, not one to blow my own trumpet but… my book (search NOT SO SWEET TOFFEE on Amazon) has had another 5* review. It says: “Toffee has her humans trained well, but they are slow learners and she still has her work cut out I think. They're a work in progress for sure. I found myself sniggering and chortling and I quite embarrassed myself to be honest. But Toffee is a treat! I will not let my cat anywhere near this book, though, as he doesn’t need any new ideas!”
*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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Monday, 1 June 2020

Toffee Helps With The Gardening



Busy in the garden

The old woman works from home so I'm used to having her under my paws all day. In fact, it's quite handy as I get food on demand. All I have to do is sit beside her desk and meow piteously and she always obliges.

Since this coronavirus thing, though, the old man has been at home too and he's a completely different kettle of fish. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been roaming about getting in the way all day, trying to make me play when all I want to do is sleep.

Luckily he was annoying the old woman so much she set him to work in the garden. He spent all morning digging and then planting seeds in neat rows. I, in an error of judgement I soon came to regret, spent all afternoon digging them up again. How was I to know it wasn't some kind of bizarre hooman game?

My task done, I padded inside to recover from my exertions with a little nap. But then came a yell outside from the old man. ‘Noooooooo!’

I skedaddled and laid low under the bed in the guest bedroom until evening. The old man and old woman must have been worried because they were outside calling me. Naturally, I ignored them. When I finally emerged from my hidey hole they were so pleased to see me they forgot about my earlier transgressions.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

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Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Toffee's Funny Meow



I accidentally did a funny little meow. The old man and old woman meowed back trying to get me to do it again. Went on for ages. Will you tell them two grown people have been meowing at each other for the last 10 minutes, or shall I?
  • Have you missed me? I took a few days off after taking part in the A to Z Challenge (there's a list of them on the side somewhere). Twenty-six posts in 26 days. TWENTY-SIX. Nearly killed me. Then someone mentioned I could have completed a load of them in advance - now you tell me...  
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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Thursday, 30 April 2020

Toffee Is A Zen Master


"Toffee is very zen, isn't she?" said the old woman to the old man as I lay contentedly between them with my head in her lap.

"What the hell does that mean?" he asked. I was wondering that too. If it's nothing to do with prawns, I'm not interested.

She flustered a bit. "It's when, you know, when people - well, and cats - are, you know, like zenlike."

"Clear as mud," he replied.

She proceeded to look up the definition on the internet. "It says here it's a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures," she said triumphantly.

"Still clear as mud," said the old man. "But she certainly 'meditates' a lot if you can call sleeping meditating." He laughed as if he'd said something funny. He hadn't.

I leapt up and raced full pelt to the kitchen, skidding to a halt beside my food bowl. I meowed very loudly to draw attention to the fact that I was in imminent danger of starving to death.

I could hear the old man laughing and then saying, "She's not very zen now, is she?" The old woman sighed loudly as she strode into the kitchen to remedy the error of an empty bowl.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.



            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Y is for Yoga


He makes it look so easy

I HAVE noticed over the last few months that my normally sleek, well-toned physique has become a little fluffy around the edges. I blame the old man and the old woman (who else) for allowing me too many treats like cheese and sausage off their plates. In an  effort to regain the body of a lean, mean fighting machine, I have taken up yoga.

There are many poses suitable for a fit young girl like me. I don't mind the Crane and the Cobra but I draw the line at the Downward Dog pose. I have my standards.

So here are a few of the poses I have been trying out:

Inhale


Exhale



Balance



And relax...


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk
*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Tuesday, 28 April 2020

X is for eXperiment



My friend is caught in the act - note contrite expression.

Here is an excerpt about experiments from my book. 'A book?' You ask. 'Has Toffee written a book?' Yes I have!  See adverts all over this blog. Well, I didn't want anyone to miss the fact that I HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK.


In order to increase the sum of human knowledge, I have been investigating the effects of gravity on random objects.

The results of my experiments:

Coffee mug. Will break. Effect: Liquid content will spread and stain pale rug. Secondary effect: The old woman will scream and rush to get the carpet cleaner.

Jar of jam/jelly. Will break. Effect: Floor becomes sticky. Very sticky. Secondary effect: If anyone (*looks innocent) walks through it they will leave jammy footprints all over the house.

Newspaper. Will fall apart. Effect: The old man will bundle it back together again while swearing. Quite loudly. Secondary effect: The old man will start reading an article and become very confused  because he's got the pages in the wrong order.

Glass bowls. Will break. Effect: The old woman will be upset because it was a gift from Aunt Maud. Secondary effect: The old man will do a fist pump because he's always hated it.

Pillow. Will fall and look very inviting. Too inviting. Effect: Zzzzzzzz.Secondary effect: Zzzzzzzz.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Einstein.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Monday, 27 April 2020

W is for Walks



The old man and old woman like to go out for a walk - but just because they like aimlessly wandering about with sweets in their pockets, it doesn't mean I  like it too. I get enough exercise playing and hunting, thank you very much. So I was more than a little surprised when the old woman crept up on me the other day as I was napping on the sofa.

Suddenly, I felt something being put over my head and around my chest. I leapt to my feet, looked down over myself and realised I had been trussed like a chicken in some ill-fitting harness contraption with a lead attached.

‘Come on,’ said the old woman brightly. ‘We’re going for a walk.’

WHAT!

YOU might be going for a walk, lady, I most certainly am not.

She lifted me up and carried me outside. She put me down and gave a little tug to the leash. With admirable restraint I refrained from attacking her legs.

‘Come on Toffee, walkies!’ I walked onto the grass. She tried to pull me forward. I lay down. She dragged me along the lawn.

‘Toffee, stand up. We’re going for a walk.’

I dug my claws into the grass. She tugged harder and dragged me a bit further. I made a run for it, taking her by surprise, and scaled the nearest tree, the harness trailing behind me.

She stood underneath, calling me.

‘Come down, Toffee. It’s OK. You don’t have to go for a walk. I’ll get you some prawns. Don’t stay up there, you might get the lead tangled in the branches.’

The old man, who had been watching from the doorway, reached up, lifted me from the tree and removed the harness. He appeared to be laughing about something. Not sure what.

‘That went well!’ he said to the old woman.

She stared at him, stony-faced, snatched the harness and stalked off indoors.

The old man tickled me under the chin.

‘Come on, girl. Let’s go find some prawns.’




My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Saturday, 25 April 2020

V is for Valentine's Day



My old man and old woman are a soppy pair and always celebrate Valentine's Day. This year they swapped presents and went out for dinner. They didn't forget me and I got a card from ‘A Secret Admirer’ and some special cat treats. Not much of a secret as I saw the old woman writing the card and wrapping the present.

Valentine's Day wasn't always so peaceful. The other year the old man decided to scale back a bit on the romantic gifts - gulp! Had he learned nothing after years of living with the old woman?

The day arrived and the old man got a card and some electronic gizmo he’d been dropping hints about for weeks. He was delighted and handed over a present to the old woman. She ripped the paper off excitedly. Then her face fell.

‘A garlic press and an electric tin opener? You got me a garlic press and a tin opener for Valentine’s Day?’

Then his face fell. ‘But you said you wanted a garlic press and the tin opener is electric,’ he said.

She pursed her lips and said coldly, 'I might have wanted a garlic press. But. Not. For. Valentine's. Day.'  She flung the presents at him and stalked out of the room saying: ‘Don’t come near me. Don’t come anywhere near me.’

Then he left too with his wallet clutched in his hand. Later, the house was full of flowers, chocolates and the smell of very expensive perfume. Peace was restored.



My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Friday, 24 April 2020

U is for Understanding




I FEAR I do not sufficiently understand the human race. In an effort to get into the head of the old woman in order to more fully understand the human brain, I sat on her chest while she was asleep in bed and stared. She awoke and pushed me off. 

When she fell back asleep I sat on her chest again and resumed my staring. This happened five or six times until the alarm went off.

‘I’ve hardly slept a wink,’ she told the old man in the morning. ‘That cat’s been creeping me out.’

‘The staring?’ he asked. She nodded.

‘I know,’ he replied. ‘Sometimes She’s like a character out of Nightmare On Elm Street.’

Nightmare On Elm Street? I don't remember seeing a stunning babe of a ginger cat in that. I thought I was more like the cat in the old Disney film The Three Lives of Thomasina, based on the Paul Gallico book Thomasina: The Cat Who Thought She Was God

Oh, that's a good idea for a film. Toffee: The Cat Who WAS a God.

Take note, Disney.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Thursday, 23 April 2020

T is for Tail With a Happy Ending





I was investigating a small scab on my tail. I tried to grab it to have a closer look but my tail flopped just out of reach. You would think it had a mind of its own. I flipped around to try to get from another angle but it flopped again. Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.’

I heard a voice from the sitting-room door.

‘What the hell are you doing, Toffee?’

The old man must have been watching my exertions. I ignored him, pounced and finally managed to capture my tail. I started chewing at the scab.

‘Good Lord, Toffee, what a funny little weirdo you are.’

Weirdo?

This from the man who plucks his nose hairs with his wife’s eyebrow tweezers and sings into his hairbrush with his collar up pretending to be Elvis.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk
*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Wednesday, 22 April 2020

S is for Snacks





I’ve just heard the old man asking the old woman if she’d seen the cheese and biscuits he’d left on the table.

‘I saw them earlier,’ she said. Then they both looked at me licking my lips while sitting on three crackers.

‘WHAT? You think it was me? Why blame me? I always get the blame. Give me a break.’ 

I could have said more but I was too busy digging pieces of cheddar out of my teeth.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            



You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

R is for Revenge


I am not a vindictive cat (not very...)  but, even so, it's best not to upset me. I can cough up hairballs on cue. I can pretend to be cuddly wuddly and then suddenly attack and I will give you a very stern look if you try to feed me sub-standard food.

I have other devious tips for you cats who want to teach those hoomans  a lesson. For example, the other day I was shut in the utility room just because the old man and the old woman were chasing a mouse around the house. I have NO IDEA where it came from. Ahem.

So, here's an idea for some minor revenge. Sit on the TV remote control and surreptitiously change channels when the hoomans are least expecting it. I did this the other night just as Poirot was about to unmask the murderer.

If you have a cat litter tray you can hijack the car keys and bury them. Your people will spend hours searching for them and only find them, nicely marinated, when they empty the tray. This was tip number two. Number two. Get it? Not sure if Number Two is a reference used outside of the UK. If you don't know what it means, read this in the urban dictionary.

Save some prawns from your dinner (if you can resist eating them) and hide them away where they will get nicely stinky and the hoomans will spend hours trying to find the source of the smell.

These are just three of my tips. Make sure you use them sparingly because a. the hoomans will soon get wise to your tricks and b. you don't want to upset them too much because they're OK really.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk
*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Monday, 20 April 2020

Q is for Quote




There are many quotes extolling the virtues of cats because, let's face it, we are a superior species and adoration is our due.

My favourite is by Mark Twain, a very clever man indeed, not least because he was a cat lover. He said: ‘If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.’

Was there ever a truer word spoken?

The old woman read this quote out to the old man just as I was trying to fit into a small cardboard box and breaking out the sides.

‘I don’t think Twain ever had a cat,’ he mumbled as he glanced at me.

What's that supposed to mean? What is he implying?

The man's a fool.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Saturday, 18 April 2020

P is for Paws



Paw Prints




... and on floors you've just washed, all over the furniture, on windowsills, on clean bedding, on your new white shirt (while you're wearing it), in wet cement, on clean cars, on neatly folded piles of fresh laundry...

Oh, how I love being a cat.





My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            




You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Friday, 17 April 2020

O is for Opening Doors




(Toffee says: This was first published a while ago but there are kittens out there who won't have read my very wise words on the subject of doors. Mums - make sure your young 'uns have completely understood the lessons below.)


GOOD morning, kittens. Today I am going to teach you how to behave around doors.

You are young and at your stage of life probably think you have to wait patiently until your hooman opens a door. So one of the first skills you need to learn is how to get your pet hooman to open the door on command.

After all, you don't want to lose your dignity like the young chap below, do you?

 

Often all that is required is sitting in front of the door and meowing in your most annoying tone of voice. The times I've heard the words, "For goodness sake, Toffee, go outside if you're going to make that racket," before the door is flung open. 

Sometimes your pet hooman is on the opposite side of the door in a room you want to enter. The "annoying meow" tactic may work here too. Sometimes, though, they pretend they can't hear you. In which case you have to proceed to Stage Two. Start scratching the door. For some reason pet hoomans hate this and will rush to open the door before you have done more than make a few marks on it.


Other useful tactics include jumping up at the door handle, rubbing your hind feet on the floor as if you need a "comfort break" and sitting an inch from the door and glaring at it.

If the worst comes to the worst and your pet hoomans are so terminally stupid they don't understand what you want, you can always open the door yourself. This is tricky and will require practice but it's not impossible.


Now pay attention, class. This last module is the most important part of my lesson plan.

If your pet hooman has gone to a lot of trouble to open the door for you - maybe they were in the middle of a phone call, busy doing chores or engrossed in a TV show - it is imperative that as soon as the door is open you turn around and go back into the room.  You can, if you wish, stand or sit in the open doorway and stare out for quite considerable time while they wait (usually impatiently). However, the end result is the same. You end up back where you started from.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk
*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Thursday, 16 April 2020

N is for Nibbles


Get this woman away from me.

I like my food and I especially like nibbles. You know, those little treats between meals, like the odd prawn thrown in my direction, or a small bit of cheese.

The other day the old woman was watching a Youtube video on how to make nibbles for your cat. My heart sank. She can hardly boil an egg so what made her think she could rustle up "nibbles"? She started with something called fish balls. By the time she had gone out to buy fish, she could no longer find the video.

‘I’ll wing it, Toffee,’ she said. Oh, dear God, no. She spent ages staring at the fish. He stared right back with a pair of glassy eyes. Then she began to chop. Never in my life have I seen such carnage - and I am someone who butchers tiny creatures on a regular basis.

‘Who’d have thought fish had so many bones?’ she said. Yes, who’d a-thought…? I put my paw over my eyes. She put the fish on to boil and a vile smell crept over the kitchen, like a cross between week-old prawns, damp towels and smelly socks. She went a bit green and opened the back door as wide as it would go.

‘Bet you love the smell, don’t you, Toffee?’

I rolled over onto my back with my four legs rigid in the air.

‘Oh, very funny, Toffee.’

The fish was soon cooked. She let it cool, chopped it up and rolled a small portion. The ball fell apart. She rolled it up again. It fell apart again.

‘Mmm, I can’t really use a binding agent as you shouldn’t eat things like flour, Toffee. I might just keep it as it is.’ The fish sat in the dish, pale and collapsed, smelling even worse than it did in the saucepan if that were possible.

"Maybe it needs more cooking." She gathered up the fish into a bowl, and popped it into the microwave. After five minutes the microwave went ‘ding’ and she pulled out a dish of rubber pellets.

She set about cleaning up the kitchen as the rubber pellets cooled.

The old man came home and inspected her afternoon’s work. He glanced in my direction. I looked at him with imploring eyes.

He turned to the old woman. ‘Why don’t you go and have a rest while I feed Toffee?’

When she left the room, he swept the fish carnage into the bin and opened up a pouch of rabbit in gravy.

‘There you are, girl. It’ll be our secret.’


I love that man sometimes.



My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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