Monday, 10 May 2021

Toffee Explains Schrodinger's Cat Theory




The old woman has been reading about Schrodinger's Cat. I don't know why; she's not at all scientific. As far as I can make out her experience of science begins and ends with using a Bunsen burner in the third form at school and nearly setting herself on fire.

As per usual, it was left to me to make sense of this very complicated scientific principle. Let me explain. Schrodinger said if you put a cat, some poison, a Geiger counter hitched up to a hammer and some radioactive substance in a steel box, the radioactive bit either will or won't decay. If it decays it sets in motion a reaction that will shatter the bottle of poison and the cat dies, if the radioactive bit doesn't decay, the cat lives. Like below: 






You open the box and it's either tears and a touching funeral or the cat jumps out demanding his tea. I agree with writer Terry Pratchett who said in his book Lords and Ladies, that there was a third possible state for the cat in the box and that was "bloody furious". 

Quantum experiments had shown that the behaviour of an atom or photon was dependent upon the observer. What Schrodinger was saying is that you cannot apply this theory to everyday objects, like cats. It was all a paradox as it WAS happening with the atoms and photons. 

In other words, the cat is EITHER alive or dead, irrespective of the observer. 

I don't know why Schrodinger was so sure that a cat couldn't be alive or dead simultaneously. It's an everyday phenomenon observed by cat owners the world over. See this picture?





This cat has "died" to punish you for some oversight or omission like accidentally throwing out his saliva-infused, stinky, half -chewed toy mouse, but as soon as you run to him sobbing uncontrollably, he will jump up and the scare the life out of you.

So that's the explanation. You're welcome.



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Monday, 12 April 2021

Toffee Makes A Joke






Nice day today so I'm out in the garden surveying my territory. I'm in an unusually good mood as I've just chased that twit Rajah from next door back over the fence.

I've found some jokes for you (yes, ME!)

Here goes: 

What is brown and runs round the garden?
A fence

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash

The old woman is making a  herb garden, putting all the plants in alphabetical order. Her neighbour asked how she found the time. She said: "It's right next to the sage."

There is a bird feeder in the garden
It also works as a cat feeder

Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?
He's got green fingers.

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens
I was raking it in

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi

What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming

What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

What do you call a cheerleading herb?
An encourage mint!

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
But you've probably heard of herbivore

Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle!

What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?
He was hearing voices in his shed

Oo, I'm hilarious!


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version. Or look HERE.


            

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Wednesday, 7 April 2021

Toffee Executes Plan B




Good morning, one and all, on this particularly fine spring morning.

Yes, I am in an unusually good mood. It's only 7.30am and I have already grossed out the old man and the old woman. Cue evil laugh.

It was their own fault. I was up bright and early and where were they? Under the duvet, snoring, the pair of them. I tried everything short of putting a bomb under the bed. They are a peaceable pair and no bombs were forthcoming.

Not even my cold wet nose pressed against their faces or sitting on their heads managed to wake them. Even singing the song of my people had no effect.  Then when I found my food bowl was empty I had no choice but to put Plan B into action.

I went into the sitting-room and found three spiders - not hard to find spiders in this house, what with the abysmal level of housework. They're ex-spiders now. In fact, so ex are they that they ended up in my stomach. I found some fluff and swallowed that as well. Then - result - under the sofa was that dried up bit of pork I had been saving for a rainy day and forgotten about. That rainy day had arrived - it went down a treat.

I had a couple of gulps of water to make sure all the ingredients were nicely marinated, waited a few minutes, and puked half of it up in the old man's shoe and half in old woman's.

They overslept and were later running about like blue-arsed flies trying to get to work on time.

To say they weren't best pleased when they thrust their feet into their shoes was an under-statement. I didn't know they knew such language. The air turned blue and my ears turned red.

At least they weren't too rushed to forget to feed me. I'm now curled up on the settee, purring away, after I finally got my breakfast. Have a good day, Peeps.

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Monday, 8 March 2021

Toffee's Scientific Fact





Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

Scientists have proved beyond all reasonable doubt that you need to increase my prawn supply quite considerably or I will die from malnutrition. #ScientificFact #NotMadeUpAtAll #AbsolutelyTrue

Yours In Anticipation,

Toffee

(Do you think this will work? They're a bit dim so they'll probably believe me.)




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Friday, 22 January 2021

Toffee Cat's Busy Day





What a busy day I've had and it's not even lunch time yet.

My first task of the day was to eat my breakfast and then help out the old man and old woman by licking the butter off their toast. They didn't seem pleased with this assistance but they both need to lose weight so I'm doing them a favour. 

I had a visit to the garden and scared off several birds and the twit cat Rajah from next door (oo, I'm so posh, I'm part Persian). Then it was back indoors to wash all my important little places

I have played with Mr Fluffy Bum. And I have circled the big cushion on the sofa, making a nice big round depression.

Mr Fluffy Bum


Now I'm exhausted. Sleep. Need to sleep. Just a short 18-hour nap should do it.

Oh yes, I'm a funny cat!


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

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Tuesday, 1 December 2020

The Old Woman Decides To Exercise



The old woman looks NOTHING LIKE this and she'd better not try any of these shenanigans on me!


I am lying here on the sofa with my paws over my eyes. Why? The old woman has decided she needs to get fit.

I regularly endure these bouts of activity when the house shakes to the pounding of her feet and I have to block my ears to grunts, moans and streams of profanity.

In her quest for bodily perfection - or at least the desire not to be winched out of a bedroom window by crane when she dies - she trawls the internet for hints and inspiration in the vain hope that the way to lose weight is to eat whatever you like and never move from in front of the TV. Sadly, no such exercise regime is forthcoming.



She has found a website called Fun and Exciting Ways To Lose Weight. She is very excited by it although I fear a lot of the suggestions are for people considerably younger than she is. She has taken a fancy to the thought of hula-hooping, something she did as a child, apparently. I'm afraid she won't be able to find one big enough to fit round her. It must be difficult to hula-hoop with something resembling a snug belt. (Oh, I'm such a funny cat!)

Other suggestions include twerking (dear God, NOOOOOO), strip aerobics (seriously?) where the idea is to learn moves similar to a striptease and get fit while doing it and belly dancing. I'm hoping she will try the sensible suggestions like swimming, cycling and walking, anything to get her out of the house. 

She's bought something that you pile fruit and veg (urgh) into to make smoothies. I wonder if you can make a smoothie out of prawns and cream? That sounds like delicious cat food to me.

The old man is already in her bad books. He was telling our neighbour that the old woman had already lost 50 pounds. She looked very impressed until he added, "That's what she's spent on some kitchen juicer thing." He'd better watch out or bits of him will be in it.


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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

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Monday, 23 November 2020

No More Little Toffee Cats



I can't be bothered with all this lovey-dovey stuff.



The old man and old woman watched a TV programme about animal instincts last night. The programme mentioned the – ahem – instinct to reproduce. Left to their own devices male cats spray to mark their territory. They fight,  roam for miles and love a bit of howling, the louder the better. So they get the snip. 

So uncouth. Not at all like we refined female cats.

I'm happy to say that they can get the "snip" in order to stop all of the above. I have had the female equivalent so, sadly for the world, there will be no more little Toffees.

I can see the point, I suppose. On the face of it lots more little Toffees with their inevitable devastating charm and beauty sounds appealing - but I don't think I could stand the competition.

In any case, looking after kittens sounds exhausting. I'd much rather be indulging my instincts to sleep, eat and hunt.

If you want more information search: Cat spaying, cat neutering, age to spay a cat, neutering your cat, neutering and spaying, kittens.


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Monday, 9 November 2020

Toffee Cat's House Rules




Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:

1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.

2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be). 

3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.

4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine. 

5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.

6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.

7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.

8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.

9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.

10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.

So those are my cat rules and my feline facts. Read them and take note, fellow cats.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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Monday, 2 November 2020

New Cat Food For Toffee





Toffee: Sit down, old woman. We need to talk. 

This new cat food you've given me: 
  • Is it of an acceptable quality? 
  • Have you read the ingredients list? 
  • Have you tasted it? 
  • Does it have added vitamins? 
  • Is it cheaper than my old food?
  • Did it come from a tin, pouch or foil tray?
  • Do posh cats eat it?
  • Could you put it on a silver plate? 
Old woman: In order of question, Toffee - Yes, yes, no, yes, no, yes, of course, definitely not. You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it. 

Toffee: (Gives old woman withering look and stalks off.)

Half an hour later cat food has "mysteriously" disappeared.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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Monday, 28 September 2020

Toffee Cat's Facial Expressions




The old woman was complaining that I only had one expression - and that was "grumpy". It's a lie, of course. I have very many different expressions and I look bright and cheerful in all of them. She's so dim she can't distinguish one from another so I have compiled a handy guide.

Cat expressions are infinitely varied, as you can see.


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


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Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Stop the cat burglar!







I'm livid.

That twit of a cat who lives next door, Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am a part Persian cat"), has stolen my chicken. The felon, the thief, the robber, the poacher, the crook, the...the...the CAT BURGLAR!

Admittedly I had not acquired that chicken joint by totally legitimate means. It may have just, um,  accidentally fallen into my paws after the old woman took it out of the fridge and put it on the kitchen counter but IT WAS MY CHICKEN. I had hidden in the garden to save it for a rainy day. Today was raining but the chicken had GONE and I spotted that TWIT Rajah dragging it away.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. 




Scary, huh? Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee and pinch my cat food, the little twerp.


*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
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Thursday, 10 September 2020

Toffee Cat Meets A Child






WARNING! WARNING! There is a child is in the house, brought in by its mother. I am keeping an eye on it as I know from previous experience that these miniature hoomans are prone to erratic behaviour.

Luckily this one seems to be both static and mute, which are qualities to which all miniature hoomans should aspire.

Then the old man said to mute miniature hooman, “What’s the matter, buddy. Cat got your tongue?” Bloody typical. I get blamed for everything in this house. NO, I DO NOT HAVE MINIATURE HOOMAN’S TONGUE.

(Have you looked under the sofa?)

Cats and children do not always mix, although I know lots of cats who love children. Go figure...

Here's my book. Yes, I am Toffee Cat, the author. You can look inside without buying - though why you wouldn't want to buy it is beyond me... 😹 😹😹 http://bit.ly/wordsbytoffee

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.



Monday, 31 August 2020

Toffee Cat Never Makes A Mistake




Mistakes were made...but not by me. No, not ever. Never.


Have I mentioned I've written a book?

[Only every two minutes, says the old Woman.]

Take no notice of her, I'm sure I've barely mentioned it. Anywayyyy, I thought you might be interested in finding out what I was writing about this time last year, so here's my August 31st entry. You're welcome

August 31st

I never make mistakes. The old man and the old woman, may THINK I have made a mistake but they are wrong.

They may see me climb to the top of the bookcase and then, apparently, miss my footing and plummet to the floor. I have, however, done this completely on purpose. I am in training for the Purrlympics. Never heard of them? Well, we cats don’t like to brag about our athletic expertise but we hold several events every year. I am the world champion in the Three Metre Drop and aim to keep my title this year.The old man and the old woman may think my head is stuck in a cardboard box. No, it is not. I can remove the box whenever I like. I am just in here checking there are no insects stuck in the corners. It might take me some time. Yes, I’m still looking. I know it’s been ten minutes but I am nothing if not thorough. If you want to, you can take the box off me. I will humour you and allow you to do that. Like, now? NOW!

One day the silly pair thought I had swallowed a bee by accident. Hadn’t they heard that bee venom cures arthritis? I know my face blew up like a balloon and they had to take me to the vet but that’s a small price to pay for not having this debilitating illness. I am aware I don’t actually have arthritis but this is merely proof that my preventative measure is working.

They laugh when I apparently chase my own tail in the mistaken belief it belongs to someone else. But what I am actually doing is testing Dizziness Resistance. I must make sure that after four or five head-spinning turns I can still stand up. I am doing this for YOU, old man and old woman.  What if, for example, I spotted a mouse inside a-a-a spinning thing, how could I rescue you from the little monster if I were having a dizzy spell? So, you see, I am doing it all for you.

A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss. 


Soooo, if you want to read a book written by a brilliant cat author (MEEEE!), take a look. It's a BRILLIANT cat book, even if I do say so myself. I'm a funny cat!





*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.