Monday, 27 June 2022

Toffee's Busy Day




Good morning, peeps, I trust you all slept well. I had a good night - slept for a couple of hours, got up at 4am and ran about the house before sitting on the old man's head. He moaned in his sleep and pushed me off. I got back on his head again, he pushed me off etc etc etc. Not once did he wake up properly.

Then I went back to sleep for a few more hours. Had my breakfast. Went back to sleep on the sofa.

This morning the old man was complaining about how tired he was and how he couldn't understand why. Then he started moaning about how much work he had to do today.

I know, old man, our days are SOOO busy.





     
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Wednesday, 1 June 2022

Toffee's Sacred Duty




The old woman says I've got this HALF right. What does she mean? Is she getting at me? I think she's getting at me...

I've had a good morning. I had a bit of a furball stuck in my throat but I managed to heave it up on the old man's chair. It'll be a nice surprise for him when he wants a sit-down. I tried to catch a bird in the garden, to no avail. Got my paws a bit muddy but I managed to wipe them off on the clean laundry. The old woman will be delighted that she doesn't have to get the cloth for my mucky feet.

Postscript: The old man was NOT pleased and the old woman shouted for an hour about having to "re-wash the clothes" or something like that. Anyhoo, I'm now giving them both my most "endearing" look - you know, head tilted, big eyes, downturned mouth.

The old man said, "What's the matter with you, Toffee? Have you got the belly ache?" WHAT?!





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Monday, 23 May 2022

A Downton Abbey Cat





I see there is a new Downton Abbey film, Downton Abbey: A New Era.  The old woman calls me a Downton Abbey cat because - she maintains - I have servants catering for my every need. I beg to differ. When my "every need" includes a daily diet of prawns, the servants are sadly lacking. I'm living with commoners not nobility.

You see, people, that's my problem. Yes, I'm a Downton Abbey cat but I'm living in a Simpsons house - a caviar cat with a chicken chunks diet. It's just not good enough.



I need a butler like Downton's Carson to wait on me hand and foot so I can live a refined life as befits my status. I can say, "Bring me caviar, Carson," and it appears in a silver dish, not my usual gunk in a plastic bowl.



A Carson could bring me food whenever I needed it. When he was not serving me food, he could position himself at doors to open them at my command. He would never grumble when I ask to be let out and then sit in the doorway for five minutes and walk back in again. Yes, old man, I'm talking about YOU!


So, Carson, now that you've made your little film, please pop around to my house. I am desperately in need of a butler.









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Wednesday, 27 April 2022

Toffee's Prawn Habit





I'm quite partial to a prawn. The old man and old woman say I eat too many and I'll end up looking like a prawn. I ask you, do I look like a prawn? They're such bullshitters sometimes.



Anyhoo, the old woman is wittering on - something about some prawns going missing. I put my paws over my ears because I don't need that level of negativity in my life.

Gotta go, I need to find a toothpick, something is stuck in my teeth...







Monday, 18 April 2022

Wake Up Call




The old man and old woman are both stomping around this morning. They are staring at me and frowning as if I've done something wrong.

I can't think what it is. Admittedly, I woke them at 4am and kept meowing until they fed me.
But I thought they'd be pleased to get an early start to the day. Apparently not. There's no pleasing some people.






       
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Friday, 8 April 2022

Toffee Is Annoyed (Just For A Change)





Don't listen to the old woman's bullshit. THIS IS NOT ME. She found this picture on the internet and claims it looks just like me.

She also asserted it's the kind of stupid position I would get myself into - and then laughed like a drain. There's something seriously wrong with that woman. SERIOUSLY WRONG.

I have been making my displeasure known by employing my annoyed face whenever she is in my vicinity.



I'm so angry that I'm taking myself off to sleep and I refuse to come out of the bedroom until there are prawns in my bowl.

I HAVE SPOKEN, old woman.




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Monday, 21 March 2022

Toffee's Bad Fur Day





Of course, the old woman took no notice of my order. She said, “I can’t help taking your picture, Toffee, you’re so gorgeous,” which is an understandable reaction. Because I am.

Even so, as a social media influencer of some note, I need to have strict control over my public image. I'm the Kim Kardashian of the cat world - Kat Kardashian. Look at those eyebrows - they're so not on fleek.

My old woman had never heard that word - she's not on trend, not like me. I'm down wiv the kids.






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Wednesday, 2 February 2022

Scampi: Toffee's Canine Friend





Don't judge me but I have a dog friend.

He's called Scampi and is a mischievous tripod (i.e. he has three legs). I don't mind him because although he's well behaved most of the time, he occasionally gets a rush of blood to the head and digs big holes in his mum's lovely, well cared for garden. Way to go, Scampi!

So, although dogs are mostly annoying yappers with no redeeming features, Scampi is OK.

Anyhoo, Scampi's mum Sharon sent me this picture. This is exactly what I see because I am royalty. As Queen of my domain, I expect to be obeyed, I do as I please, I demand a banquet a prawns every day and I ALWAYS get my own way.

As for my two hoomans, they are most definitely peasants.








            
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Monday, 10 January 2022

Working From Home




The old woman is working from home today. I'd better go and supervise because she's bound to get everything wrong if left to her own devices.

I had a look at the screen but she doesn't seem to have got her arse in gear yet - although she has managed to make herself a cup of coffee and put some cookies on the plate.

'Ah, my secretary has arrived,' she said. NO, old woman, you mean your BOSS has arrived.

I can see it's time to crack the whip and get her moving. She needs to earn money to keep me in prawns and Dreamies. Come on, old woman, stop yapping and get working!





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Monday, 3 January 2022

Toffee On Television




Ages ago the old man was stomping around the loft, looking for some woodworking tool he'd 'carefully' stowed away (i.e. slung up there and immediately lost).

Right at the back he stumbled across one of those old-style television sets, like the one in the picture. He literally fell over it. You should have heard his language - disgraceful! I had my paws over my ears.

Anyhoo, he lugged it downstairs and said he was going to take it to the rubbish dump

STOP, old man! Look at the picture. I deserve a bed like this. You must make it for me NOW. After all, I am a STAR and deserve to be on the tellybox daily.

(I'm still waiting. Humph.)




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