Cats Are Mongrels? How Dare You!

 I have never been so insulted in my life. The old woman was reading some darned book about cats and came up with this: ‘The vast majority of cats are mongrels. Just like you, Toffee.’

W-H-A-A-A-T? ME, A MONGREL?

How dare she say such a thing. I might not be a pedigree cat or even a part-pedigree cat, but I am a Superior Being.

She went on reading. She doesn’t know when to stop, that woman.

‘Cats have been especially bred for a variety of reasons; to produce softer or longer coats, for example, or to enhance their markings or refine a colour. In the eyes of the breeders, the refinements have enhanced their beauty.’

That did it for me. Was she implying that I was not as handsome as some pedigree cat? I leapt to my feet, scrabbled across her hand, digging my claws in as I went. She screamed.

‘Pity you weren’t bred to be a NICE CAT and not a monster,’ she yelled after my retreating, ginger behind.

We aren’t speaking to each other at the moment but I might deign to be a ‘NICE CAT’ when it’s time for tea.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Toffee's Tasty Breakfast

Good morning, everyone. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, having just grossed out the old man and the old woman. Ha, ha! It was their own fault. I was up bright and early and where were they? Under the duvet, snoring, the pair of them.

I wandered over to my bowl and, guess what, the darned thing was empty. Not a sniff of chicken, rabbit or prawn. I stalked around a bit, thinking they'll be up any minute but, no, they stayed in bed, even after I ran all over them and meowed piteously.

So what's a girl to do?

I went into the sitting-room and found three spiders. They're ex-spiders now. They didn't taste bad. Then I found some fluff which was a bit bland and chewy. Then, result, under the sofa was a dried up bit of pork. That went down a treat.

This is now an ex-spider.

I had a sip of water to make sure it was nicely marinated, waited a few minutes, and puked it all up in the old man's shoe.

To say he wasn't best pleased when he put on the shoe to go to work is an under-statement.
I'm now curled up on the settee, purring away, after I FINALLY got my proper breakfast.

Learn the lesson, people. LEARN THE LESSON.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Cat Conversations With Toffee

Did you hear that some IDIOT has invented a collar that can "translate" cat meows into words? Unnecessary. Is there a cat in the world that can't immediately make its views known?

I carry on long conversations with my old man and old woman. We have vital talks about the merits of  meaty chunks in gravy versus fish pate, 

I "tell" them when I've had enough of my tummy being tickled by digging my claws into their hands - they always get the message. 

They know when I sit accusingly in front of my EMPTY bowl I want to be fed NOW. I "tell" them when I'm not well - piles of vomit can speak volumes.

So although I may not speak actual words, I communicate perfectly well.

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

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Toffee's Breakfast Bonanza

Good morning, everyone. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, having just grossed out the old man and the old woman. Ha, ha! It was their own fault. I was up bright and early and where were they? Under the duvet, snoring.

I wandered over to my bowl and, guess what, the darned thing was empty. So what's a girl to do?

I went into the sitting-room and found three spiders. They're ex-spiders now. They didn't taste bad. Then I found some fluff which was a bit bland and chewy. Then, result, under the sofa was a dried up bit of pork crackling left over from Sunday lunch. That went down a treat.

This is now an ex-spider.

I had a sip of water to make sure it was all nicely marinated, waited a few minutes, and puked it all up in the old man's shoe.

To say he wasn't best pleased when he put on the shoe to go to work is an under-statement. 

I'm now curled up on the settee, purring away, after I FINALLY got my proper breakfast.

Learn the lesson, people. LEARN THE LESSON.

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

It's All Good Over The Rainbow Bridge

I know, I know - it's been ages since I've written but it's so lovely here over the rainbow bridge that it's hard to find the time, what with treats on demand, unlimited cuddles and all the cat toys you could ever want.

If only the old man and old woman had been as solicitous of my welfare when I lived on earth. Have a look at this, a letter I once wrote to the old man, which will give a clue of what I had to put up with. It's included in my book.

Dear Old Man,

What time are you and the old woman getting home? I’m in danger of starving to death here. That breakfast you left me was eaten by zombies while I was defending the homestead. They must have crept in via the cat flap when my back was turned.

Mice ate all the dry food.

I’m so hungry. My life is hanging by a thread. I need prawns. Pick up a couple of packets on your way home.

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

We’re on our way. So sorry to hear about the zombies and the mice. They are devious little devils, aren’t they? Ha-ha. We don’t need prawns. We have plenty in the freezer. We have to stop at the supermarket to pick up some bread so a treat or two for you may find their way into our basket. Try to hang on for another half an hour before pegging out!

The Old Man

I have a feeling they’re not taking my predicament as seriously as they ought to be. Humph.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Jelly Babies On The Menu

Dear Old Man and Old Woman

I was tidying the treat cupboard today as you had left it in such a mess after rootling around for choc chip cookies last night. I was not looking for Dreamies, Lick-e-Lix or any other tasty little titbit, you understand; I was purely on tidying duties.

Anyhoo, there was a big pack of something called Jelly Babies. Although I am no fan of babies or any small hooman people, please tell me you haven’t taken to eating them. I’m not squeamish as you know but in my opinion eating babies is a step too far.

My fear is that babies could be a gateway food to cats.

Toffee

 

Dear Toffee

No, silly. Jelly Babies are made of jelly and sugar. They come in the shape of babies and do not include any human ingredients.

I hope this puts your mind at rest. You are perfectly safe from human consumption being somewhat furry and fatty.

The Old Man and Old Woman

 

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

I am glad to hear that no cats will ever be on your menu. While I’m writing, I must draw your attention to a misspelling in your letter. You do not spell fabulous F-A-T-T-Y.

Toffee

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Toffee's Old Woman Misses A Deadline

I'm not sure what a deadline is - to me they are a queue of dead mice in the garden - but the old woman is always frantically typing away trying not to miss one.

They seem to be some strange things that force her to sit at her computer banging away on the keys and swearing a lot when she should be sitting on the sofa petting me. I'm not too keen on deadlines.

Anyway, last week she was mortified to miss one. I caught sight of the email she wrote: 

Dear Sir, I'm afraid my article will be a little late this week due to circumstances beyond my control. 

I don't know what these circumstances were...

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee