Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Stop, thief!







I'm livid.

That twit of a cat who lives next door, Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am part Persian"), has stolen my chicken. The felon, the thief, the robber, the poacher, the crook, the...the...the CAT BURGLAR!

Admittedly I had not acquired that chicken joint by totally legitimate means. It may have just, um,  accidentally fallen into my paws after the old woman took it out of the fridge and put it on the kitchen counter but IT WAS MY CHICKEN. I had hidden in the garden to save it for a rainy day. Today was raining but the chicken had GONE and I spotted that TWIT Rajah dragging it away.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. 




Scary, huh? Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee, the little twerp.


*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

You don't want to miss my next post, do you?  Enter your email address below and you'll be alerted to my next words of wisdom.

Thursday, 10 September 2020

Toffee Meets A Child






WARNING! WARNING! There is a child is in the house, brought in by its mother. I am keeping an eye on it as I know from previous experience that these miniature hoomans are prone to erratic behaviour.

Luckily this one seems to be both static and mute, which are qualities to which all miniature hoomans should aspire.

Then the old man said to mute miniature hooman, “What’s the matter, buddy. Cat got your tongue?” Bloody typical. I get blamed for everything in this house. NO, I DO NOT HAVE MINIATURE HOOMAN’S TONGUE.

(Have you looked under the sofa?)

Here's my book. You can look inside without buying - though why you wouldn't want to buy it is beyond me... 😹 😹😹 http://bit.ly/wordsbytoffee

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.



Monday, 31 August 2020

Toffee Never Makes A Mistake





Mistakes were made...but not by me. No, not ever. Never.


Have I mentioned I've written a book?

[Only every two minutes, says the old Woman.]

Take no notice of her, I'm sure I've barely mentioned it. Anywayyyy, I thought you might be interested in finding out what I was writing about this time last year, so here's my August 31st entry. You're welcome

August 31st

I never make mistakes. The old man and the old woman, may THINK I have made a mistake but they are wrong.

They may see me climb to the top of the bookcase and then, apparently, miss my footing and plummet to the floor. I have, however, done this completely on purpose. I am in training for the Purrlympics. Never heard of them? Well, we cats don’t like to brag about our athletic expertise but we hold several events every year. I am the world champion in the Three Metre Drop and aim to keep my title this year.The old man and the old woman may think my head is stuck in a cardboard box. No, it is not. I can remove the box whenever I like. I am just in here checking there are no insects stuck in the corners. It might take me some time. Yes, I’m still looking. I know it’s been ten minutes but I am nothing if not thorough. If you want to, you can take the box off me. I will humour you and allow you to do that. Like, now? NOW!

One day the silly pair thought I had swallowed a bee by accident. Hadn’t they heard that bee venom cures arthritis? I know my face blew up like a balloon and they had to take me to the vet but that’s a small price to pay for not having this debilitating illness. I am aware I don’t actually have arthritis but this is merely proof that my preventative measure is working.

They laugh when I apparently chase my own tail in the mistaken belief it belongs to someone else. But what I am actually doing is testing Dizziness Resistance. I must make sure that after four or five head-spinning turns I can still stand up. I am doing this for YOU, old man and old woman.  What if, for example, I spotted a mouse inside a-a-a spinning thing, how could I rescue you from the little monster if I were having a dizzy spell? So, you see, I am doing it all for you.

A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss. 


*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Saturday, 8 August 2020

Toffee And World Cat Day



Cat is not me but is how I feel


Today is World Cat Day. I am not best pleased. In fact, I am furious.

Why? Because on the interweb thingy I found an article called Four Ways To Celebrate World Cat Day and so far my old man and old woman have TOTALLY IGNORED every single point. 

Number One: Give gifts.
I'm waiting. I said, I'm waiting. I have yet to receive any kind of gift. Not even an extra few meaty chunks in my food bowl.

Number Two: Today is not a day for reprimanding your cat.
I have already been told off for walking over the duvet with muddy paws, sleeping on top of the clean laundry, spilling my food in a two foot radius of my bowl, scratching some hideous piece of furniture, biting some hideous hooman, sleeping on the keyboard of the laptop while someone is PRETENDING to work, leaving my toys all over the house etc, etc, etc.

Number Three: Forgo all rights to comfortable sitting/sleeping spaces and let your cat cuddle up wherever they want. 
(See number two re duvet and laundry.) And, I might add, I was dumped off the sofa just because I was sitting on a magazine the old woman wanted to read. And the old man didn't want me sleeping on his head. 

Number Four: Pamper your cat. Groom them endlessly with a soft brush, give them expensive and delicious food, buy them some new toys.
Nope. Nope. And nope. Not a brush, not a prawn and not a toy in sight.

Soooo. I'm plotting my revenge. Cue evil laugh...

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

You don't want to miss my next post, do you?  Enter your email address below and you'll be alerted to my next words of wisdom.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Wednesday, 29 July 2020

Toffee Finds A Grass Snake




By the way, picture is not my paw and not my grass snake. 
My snake was deader than a dodo. [Picture posed by model]


I was out and about in the early hours of the morning, roaming around my territory, making sure no interloper was hiding (you know who you are, stupid neighbour cat Rajah) when I spotted a snake in the grass.

This snake though, was going nowhere and hurting no one. It was a dead as a door nail, as dead as a dodo, it was deceased.

I am such a kind and generous cat that I decided to share this object from the natural world with my old man and old woman. It may have been dead but it wasn't easy wrestling that snake through the cat flap, into the house and up the stairs.

I didn't have time to gift wrap it but I laid it gently on the pillow between the old man and the old woman and prodded them both with my paw to wake them up.

What a kerfuffle! The old woman screamed loud enough to wake the dead (although not quite loud enough to wake a dead grass snake - she should have upped it a few decibels). And the old man started swearing - words I cannot repeat in a family blog. The next thing I knew the snake was flying through the window and landed on the grass near enough where I had picked it up in the first place.

So that was my morning. A load of effort for no return; a gift rejected; and a snake lying dead in the grass.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            
You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

You don't want to miss my next post, do you?  Enter your email address below and you'll be alerted to my next words of wisdom.

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Monday, 20 July 2020

Toffee Samples The Pudding



I don't have a sweet tooth, which is not surprising as cats don't have sweet taste receptors in their tongues (read THIS if you want to know more, See, this blog is educational as well as entertaining).

Even so... the old woman made Sticky Toffee Pudding today and I thought I'd  see if it was as disgusting as it looked. To be honest, most of her cooking looks pretty dire - she's not the best cook in the world.

So I had a crafty lick when no one was looking. I have now discovered why it is called  ‘sticky’ toffee pudding because most of it is now stuck to pillows, chairs and my fur. 

I am, indeed, a sticky Toffee.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


Monday, 6 July 2020

Toffee Does Not Have A Big Bum




Me: Does my bum look big in this picture?
Old woman: I’m pleading the fifth amendment.
Me: What’s that?
Old woman: That I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.
Me: So you think my bum is the perfect size.
Old woman: Well……

*     *     *     *     *     *    *
I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            


You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.