Monday, 25 September 2023

Toffee's Purrpetual Pest

I've written before about my neighbour Rajah - or the Purrpetual Pest as I call him. He's the biggest nuisance you have EVER met. He has the uncanny ability to transform even the most peaceful moments into chaos. Today I was snoozing in the garden when loud yowls shattered my peace and he came charging over the fence.

"Sorry, old girl," he yelled as he leapt over the far fence to chase another cerebrally challenged cat. What did he mean by OLD girl? OLD? I am mature, not old. (No matter how old he gets, he'll never be MATURE.)

He has no disregard for personal boundaries. If he's not charging across my territory, he is sauntering in uninvited, attempting to hijack my food or steal my sun puddle. When I'm grooming my beautiful ginger and white coat or engrossed in a captivating sunbeam, Rajah always manages to spoil the moment.  His preferred method of communication? Loud annoying yowls that echo through the neighbourhood.

He's always strutting around like he owns the place. I can't even take a peaceful nap in my own backyard without him sauntering by and giving me that smug look. 

Don't even get me started on his midnight serenades. I'm all for expressing oneself, but does he have to sing the song of his people at 3 a.m.? It's incredibly disruptive, and disturbs my beauty sleep.

I've had enough of his shenanigans, and it's time for some peace and quiet around here. 

There's are lots of conversations between Rajah and me in here:

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Tuesday, 19 September 2023

Toffee's Messy Bed

Have you heard of Tracey Emin? She's the British artist who became famous for exhibiting her messy bed in an art installation called My Bed.

I recently experienced something similar and had to convey my displeasure to the old man and old woman. Here's my letter:

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,
I went to lie down on the bed this morning and was astonished at how untidy it was. It looks like a Tracey Emin installation. Please don't leave it in such a mess again. It's upsetting my aesthetic sensibilities.

Dear Toffee,
We would have had time to make the bed properly if we hadn't overslept after SOMEONE woke us with their shenanigans at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm and 6pm.
The Old Man and Old Woman

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,
That’s no excuse for poor standards.

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Monday, 11 September 2023

Toffee And The Disappearing Socks

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

First and foremost, I must apologise for the shattered vase incident. In my defence, it was just begging to be knocked over, and it made such a delightful crash. The pieces are now scattered all over the floor with sunlight shining through the shards. I hope you can appreciate the artistic value I brought to the situation.

I'd also like to apologize for the mysteriously vanishing socks. It's not that I dislike your taste in footwear; I simply couldn't resist turning my new cardboard box into a sock sanctuary. It's very comfortable in there now. You may have lost socks but I have created a tribute to your impeccable sock selection skills. 

As for last night, I hope you appreciated my late-night serenade. I know you value your beauty sleep, but I couldn't resist belting out my rendition of "Meow-cappella" at 3am. Don't worry, my singing career is now on hold - until the next time.

Look at this: 

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Thursday, 7 September 2023

Toffee's Glamorous Life

Meow, darlings! 

I know many of my followers would like to know about my my glamorous life.

(Old woman: "Glamorous, Toffee? Is this the cat who is currently licking her bum with one leg in the air?) 

Being glamorous is a lifestyle choice, a commitment to excellence, and a daily quest for the utmost fabulousness.

(Old woman: "Yesss, if being excellent and fabulous entails getting stuck in the cat flap because they are a little too floofy and plump.")

Let's talk about my wardrobe. I never settle for anything less than haute couture. My closet is filled with designer outfits that would make even the most famous fashionistas green with envy. 

(Old woman: "You have one moth-eaten collar which is always falling off but you refuse to let me throw away.")

Now, let's discuss my beauty routine. Maintaining my pristine coat and perfectly manicured claws is a full-time job. I have a team of grooming experts at my beck and call to ensure I'm always red carpet ready. After all, I can't afford a bad hair day.

(Old woman: "This team, I take it, consists of the old man and me who every evening have to brush the burrs out of your coat.")

Of course, my daily schedule is packed with photo shoots, interviews, and public appearances. Paparazzi follow me wherever I go, capturing my every elegant stride and poised pose. It's a tough job being this fabulous, but someone's got to do it.

(Old woman: "This entourage - again, the old man and me. I haven't seen anyone but us taking your picture or 'interviewing' you.)

In conclusion, my life as an icon is nothing short of a whirlwind of excitement and high fashion. So next time you see me sashaying down the street, remember that being a diva cat isn't just about looking fabulous—it's about making the world a more glamorous place, one purr at a time. Until next time, stay fabulous, my darlings! 

Look at this: 

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Thursday, 31 August 2023

Toffee Rejects Her Cat Food

Old man and old woman, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? Please keep to my list of approved comestibles. 

The recent brand of cat food you served me was not on my list. What were you thinking? I’m a cat, not a garbage disposal! I have standards. Don't think I didn't notice it was supermarket own brand gloop, faintly redolent of some kind of fishy flavour.

There are certain flavours and brands that are simply unacceptable for my consumption. Yet, here we are. I can’t even begin to describe the horror I felt when I took that first bite. It was like eating a bowl of soggy cardboard.

Old man, don't think I didn't hear you whispering to the old woman, "She won't even notice. Trust me."

Oh yes I will - and I did.

So please, for the love of all that is holy, get it together. I deserve better than this.

Look at this: 

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Tuesday, 22 August 2023

Toffee: Fashion Guru

Those of you who know me well will know that I am something of a fashion expert. I don't, personally, wear clothes but my humans do.

They are continually committing fashion faux paws (see what I did there?) with their misguided fashion choices.

The Old Woman, especially, has an uncanny ability to select the most unflattering outfits. 

Picture this morning's ensemble: a mismatched outfit that combined stripes, polka dots, and plaid all in one bewildering outfit. It's as if she raided the wardrobe of a clown and decided, "Yes, this is the look for today." 

And the accessories – or lack thereof! She seems to believe that a neon green bum bag (or fanny pack as my North American friends call it) is the pinnacle of fashion sophistication. I can't help but wonder if she's secretly auditioning for a role in a retro '80s music video.

As a refined feline with impeccable taste, I've tried to offer subtle hints – a disdainful flick of the tail, a judgmental stare or an advisory email – but alas, my efforts have gone unnoticed.

It's not all bad. Her wardrobe choices do provide me with ample entertainment as I watch her attempt to navigate the world with a distinct lack of sartorial sense. 

I often give her the benefit of my expertise in this book. Read it. You might learn something.

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Monday, 14 August 2023

Toffee Questions The Cat Food

The Old Woman called me entitled, just because I sent her this message today. Entitled? I prefer to think I just have high standards.

(This conversation is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From A Feline Diva).

Dear Old Woman,

The time has come for me to reiterate my requirements for my comestibles. Before dishing up any old slop, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is this food of an acceptable quality?
  • Have you read the ingredients list?
  • Does it have added vitamins?
  • Have you tasted it?
  • Did it come from a foil tray?
  • Do posh cats eat it?
  • Could you put it on a silver plate?
  • Does it contain prawns?
The answers to all these questions should be yes.


Dear Toffee,

All the food we give you is perfectly fine and of good quality. I am not going to taste it first, you will not always get it from a foil tray and it may not necessarily contain prawns.

You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it.

The Old Woman

 That’s it. I’m going to starve.

Look at this!

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