Monday, 10 January 2022

Working From Home




The old woman is working from home today. I'd better go and supervise because she's bound to get everything wrong if left to her own devices.

I had a look at the screen but she doesn't seem to have got her arse in gear yet - although she has managed to make herself a cup of coffee and put some cookies on the plate.

'Ah, my secretary has arrived,' she said. NO, old woman, you mean your BOSS has arrived.

I can see it's time to crack the whip and get her moving. She needs to earn money to keep me in prawns and Dreamies. Come on, old woman, stop yapping and get working!





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Monday, 3 January 2022

Toffee On Television




Ages ago the old man was stomping around the loft, looking for some woodworking tool he'd 'carefully' stowed away (i.e. slung up there and immediately lost).

Right at the back he stumbled across one of those old-style television sets, like the one in the picture. He literally fell over it. You should have heard his language - disgraceful! I had my paws over my ears.

Anyhoo, he lugged it downstairs and said he was going to take it to the rubbish dump

STOP, old man! Look at the picture. I deserve a bed like this. You must make it for me NOW. After all, I am a STAR and deserve to be on the tellybox daily.

(I'm still waiting. Humph.)




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Monday, 13 December 2021

Toffee's Irresistible Floofy Belly




Look at me with my cute floofy belly!

"You looking for a belly rub?" asked the old man. I wriggled. "OK then, girl."

I allowed a couple of  strokes - then I attacked his hand. 

"Ow! I'm going to swap you for a gerbil!" he shouted. 

He should get help; he's clearly insane.




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Monday, 6 December 2021

Toffee's Big Decision




I had an important decision to make today. Should I present that mouse I had hidden in the garden to the old man and old woman at 2am or 5am? 

I decided on 5am. I expect they were grateful for the gift and the opportunity to get an early start to the day. Timing is all.





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Monday, 29 November 2021

Toffee Is Training For Christmas


None of these little tree wreckers is me! It's not that I
 wouldn't be so naughty but that I would never get caught!


Hooray! Christmas is coming. The old man and old woman haven't yet put up the tree but I can't wait. I want to see if I can break my previous record of wrecking it in 5mins 6secs. 

I've been in training for the big day. This morning I swatted a vase off the bookshelf.  The old woman was furious. I may be a cat but I'm in the dog house. 

I don't know why she was so upset. It was a hideous vase so I've done her a favour.





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Tuesday, 23 November 2021

Not So Grumpy Toffee



I have an unjust reputation for being grumpy. I am not. It's just that I know what I want and I want it NOW! I don't suffer fools gladly. Is it my fault that 99 per cent of hoomans are fools? NO!

The old woman told me I have no people skills. I have people skills. It's just that you halfwits and nincompoops don't realise it.

To prove my point, I have included a picture of me smiling. Completely untouched photo, not altered in any way. It's all me.







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Tuesday, 16 November 2021

You Are Not the Boss of Me


This picture is not of me, obvs, but says all I want to say at the moment.


The old woman is grumbling about some infringement of the regulations she seems to think I have perpetrated.

She continually fails to understand that I am my own feline woman and do not take kindly to reprimands.

If there are any prawns missing from the bowl on the countertop, I cannot possibly admit to being a party to their disappearance.

Now please excuse me while I search out the snack I have hidden behind the sofa...


            
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Wednesday, 10 November 2021

Toffee's Funny Joke


PURR-PUL. Geddit? I'm so funny.


The old man was watching an old Youtube video of somebody called Richard Pryor and was laughing fit to bust. He's so easily amused, I despair of him sometimes.

Anyhoo, I thought to myself, I can do jokes. I could easily make a career of being a stand-up comedian. In fact, I showed you some of my routine in an earlier post. Have a look here.

Since then I have added another HILARIOUS joke to my repertoire (see picture). Come on, you gotta admit I'm the funniest feline on the planet. (Garfield? Who's Garfield?)



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Sunday, 7 November 2021

A Clever Woman From Arkansas



Have a look HERE


One of the old woman's American blog followers (Arkansas Patty at https://thenewsixty.blogspot.com/) posted this lovely review of my book on her blog:

"I know most authors like you to read their book from cover to cover in one sitting. Sorry Toffee but I am savoring you like a fine wine. This book, written in diary form, is very funny and true of most cats. Toffee is a pistol who tells it like she sees it, sparing no feelings.

I read her between heavier books as kind of a mind cleanse. She makes me smile, giggle or just nod my head in agreement while giving Minnie knowing looks.

This is the perfect gift for someone who loves cats or for yourself like I did."

The old woman was extremely pleased and even I managed a smile!


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Friday, 5 November 2021

Toffee And The Beautiful View




It was a lovely day with sun streaming in the window. From our house you can look across green fields, across woodland to moorland in the distance. The old man and old woman often stare out and say to each other, "Aren't we lucky to have this view?"

Lucky? They decided to live here, didn't they? They didn't move in and then the view popped up to greet them.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. The lovely day.

So the old woman was staring out, a vacant look in her eyes (usual expression) and says, "Budge up, Toffee, I want to see the view."

I stared back at her. You expect me to move when I am settled here on this exact spot?

I. AM. NOT. MOVING.

Why look at a field, old woman, when you can look at ME!

           

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