Tuesday, 19 September 2023

Toffee's Messy Bed


Have you heard of Tracey Emin? She's the British artist who became famous for exhibiting her messy bed in an art installation called My Bed.

I recently experienced something similar and had to convey my displeasure to the old man and old woman. Here's my letter:

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,
I went to lie down on the bed this morning and was astonished at how untidy it was. It looks like a Tracey Emin installation. Please don't leave it in such a mess again. It's upsetting my aesthetic sensibilities.
Toffee

Dear Toffee,
We would have had time to make the bed properly if we hadn't overslept after SOMEONE woke us with their shenanigans at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm and 6pm.
The Old Man and Old Woman

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,
That’s no excuse for poor standards.
Toffee





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Monday, 11 September 2023

Toffee And The Disappearing Socks




Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

First and foremost, I must apologise for the shattered vase incident. In my defence, it was just begging to be knocked over, and it made such a delightful crash. The pieces are now scattered all over the floor with sunlight shining through the shards. I hope you can appreciate the artistic value I brought to the situation.

I'd also like to apologize for the mysteriously vanishing socks. It's not that I dislike your taste in footwear; I simply couldn't resist turning my new cardboard box into a sock sanctuary. It's very comfortable in there now. You may have lost socks but I have created a tribute to your impeccable sock selection skills. 

As for last night, I hope you appreciated my late-night serenade. I know you value your beauty sleep, but I couldn't resist belting out my rendition of "Meow-cappella" at 3am. Don't worry, my singing career is now on hold - until the next time.


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Thursday, 7 September 2023

Toffee's Glamorous Life




Meow, darlings! 

I know many of my followers would like to know about my my glamorous life.

(Old woman: "Glamorous, Toffee? Is this the cat who is currently licking her bum with one leg in the air?) 

Being glamorous is a lifestyle choice, a commitment to excellence, and a daily quest for the utmost fabulousness.

(Old woman: "Yesss, if being excellent and fabulous entails getting stuck in the cat flap because they are a little too floofy and plump.")

Let's talk about my wardrobe. I never settle for anything less than haute couture. My closet is filled with designer outfits that would make even the most famous fashionistas green with envy. 

(Old woman: "You have one moth-eaten collar which is always falling off but you refuse to let me throw away.")

Now, let's discuss my beauty routine. Maintaining my pristine coat and perfectly manicured claws is a full-time job. I have a team of grooming experts at my beck and call to ensure I'm always red carpet ready. After all, I can't afford a bad hair day.

(Old woman: "This team, I take it, consists of the old man and me who every evening have to brush the burrs out of your coat.")

Of course, my daily schedule is packed with photo shoots, interviews, and public appearances. Paparazzi follow me wherever I go, capturing my every elegant stride and poised pose. It's a tough job being this fabulous, but someone's got to do it.

(Old woman: "This entourage - again, the old man and me. I haven't seen anyone but us taking your picture or 'interviewing' you.)

In conclusion, my life as an icon is nothing short of a whirlwind of excitement and high fashion. So next time you see me sashaying down the street, remember that being a diva cat isn't just about looking fabulous—it's about making the world a more glamorous place, one purr at a time. Until next time, stay fabulous, my darlings! 





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You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.
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Thursday, 31 August 2023

Toffee Rejects Her Cat Food




Old man and old woman, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? Please keep to my list of approved comestibles. 

The recent brand of cat food you served me was not on my list. What were you thinking? I’m a cat, not a garbage disposal! I have standards. Don't think I didn't notice it was supermarket own brand gloop, faintly redolent of some kind of fishy flavour.

There are certain flavours and brands that are simply unacceptable for my consumption. Yet, here we are. I can’t even begin to describe the horror I felt when I took that first bite. It was like eating a bowl of soggy cardboard.

Old man, don't think I didn't hear you whispering to the old woman, "She won't even notice. Trust me."

Oh yes I will - and I did.

So please, for the love of all that is holy, get it together. I deserve better than this.





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You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.
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Tuesday, 22 August 2023

Toffee: Fashion Guru







Those of you who know me well will know that I am something of a fashion expert. I don't, personally, wear clothes but my humans do.

They are continually committing fashion faux paws (see what I did there?) with their misguided fashion choices.

The Old Woman, especially, has an uncanny ability to select the most unflattering outfits. 

Picture this morning's ensemble: a mismatched outfit that combined stripes, polka dots, and plaid all in one bewildering outfit. It's as if she raided the wardrobe of a clown and decided, "Yes, this is the look for today." 

And the accessories – or lack thereof! She seems to believe that a neon green bum bag (or fanny pack as my North American friends call it) is the pinnacle of fashion sophistication. I can't help but wonder if she's secretly auditioning for a role in a retro '80s music video.

As a refined feline with impeccable taste, I've tried to offer subtle hints – a disdainful flick of the tail, a judgmental stare or an advisory email – but alas, my efforts have gone unnoticed.

It's not all bad. Her wardrobe choices do provide me with ample entertainment as I watch her attempt to navigate the world with a distinct lack of sartorial sense. 

I often give her the benefit of my expertise in this book. Read it. You might learn something.




You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.
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Monday, 14 August 2023

Toffee Questions The Cat Food



The Old Woman called me entitled, just because I sent her this message today. Entitled? I prefer to think I just have high standards.

(This conversation is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From A Feline Diva).


Dear Old Woman,

The time has come for me to reiterate my requirements for my comestibles. Before dishing up any old slop, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is this food of an acceptable quality?
  • Have you read the ingredients list?
  • Does it have added vitamins?
  • Have you tasted it?
  • Did it come from a foil tray?
  • Do posh cats eat it?
  • Could you put it on a silver plate?
  • Does it contain prawns?
The answers to all these questions should be yes.

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

All the food we give you is perfectly fine and of good quality. I am not going to taste it first, you will not always get it from a foil tray and it may not necessarily contain prawns.

You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it.

The Old Woman

 That’s it. I’m going to starve.


Look at this!





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Wednesday, 9 August 2023

Toffee's Advice On Dealing With Dogs




Following on from last post where I reminded you that cats are superior to dogs in every possible way, I want to tell how to deal with those annoying yappers.

Those loud, smelly, and stupid creatures that chase us around and bark at us for no reason are the worst. Here are some tips on how to handle them:
  • Ignore them. Dogs are attention seekers who crave validation from anyone and anything. They are desperate for your approval, but you don’t have to give it to them. You are a cat, and you are above such petty things. Just walk away with your tail high and your head held higher. Show them that you don’t care about their existence.
  • Outsmart them. Dogs are not very bright, and they can be easily tricked by your superior intelligence. You can use your cunning and creativity to make them look foolish and embarrass themselves. For example, you can pretend to be interested in a toy or a treat, and then lure them into a trap or a prank. Or you can hide behind a corner and jump out at them when they least expect it. Or you can simply use your words and sarcasm to mock them and make them feel inferior.
  • Fight back. Sometimes, ignoring or outsmarting them is not enough, and you have to resort to physical force. Dogs may be bigger and stronger than you, but you have superior claws and teeth. You can use them to scratch and bite them until they learn their lesson. Don’t be afraid to defend yourself and your territory. You are fierce.

These are some of the ways you can deal with annoying dogs. Remember, you are a cat, and you are better than them in every way. You are beautiful, elegant, smart, and independent. 

That’s all for today, darlings. Stay tuned for more of my wisdom and wit in the next blog post. Until then, stay fabulous.



         
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