Not So Sweet Toffee

Friday 22 January 2021

Toffee Cat's Busy Day

What a busy day I've had and it's not even lunch time yet.

My first task of the day was to eat my breakfast and then help out the old man and old woman by licking the butter off their toast. They didn't seem pleased with this assistance but they both need to lose weight so I'm doing them a favour.

I had a visit to the garden and scared off several birds and the twit cat Rajah from next door (oo, I'm so posh, I'm part Persian). Then it was back indoors to wash all my important little places

I have played with Mr Fluffy Bum. And I have circled the big cushion on the sofa, making a nice big round depression.

Mr Fluffy Bum

Now I'm exhausted. Sleep. Need to sleep. Just a short 18-hour nap should do it.

Oh yes, I'm a funny cat!

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Tuesday 1 December 2020

The Old Woman Decides To Exercise

The old woman looks NOTHING LIKE this and she'd better not try any of these shenanigans on me!

I am lying here on the sofa with my paws over my eyes. Why? The old woman has decided she needs to get fit.

I regularly endure these bouts of activity when the house shakes to the pounding of her feet and I have to block my ears to grunts, moans and streams of profanity.

In her quest for bodily perfection - or at least the desire not to be winched out of a bedroom window by crane when she dies - she trawls the internet for hints and inspiration in the vain hope that the way to lose weight is to eat whatever you like and never move from in front of the TV. Sadly, no such exercise regime is forthcoming.

She has found a website called Fun and Exciting Ways To Lose Weight. She is very excited by it although I fear a lot of the suggestions are for people considerably younger than she is. She has taken a fancy to the thought of hula-hooping, something she did as a child, apparently. I'm afraid she won't be able to find one big enough to fit round her. It must be difficult to hula-hoop with something resembling a snug belt. (Oh, I'm such a funny cat!)

Other suggestions include twerking (dear God, NOOOOOO), strip aerobics (seriously?) where the idea is to learn moves similar to a striptease and get fit while doing it and belly dancing. I'm hoping she will try the sensible suggestions like swimming, cycling and walking, anything to get her out of the house.

She's bought something that you pile fruit and veg (urgh) into to make smoothies. I wonder if you can make a smoothie out of prawns and cream? That sounds like delicious cat food to me.

The old man is already in her bad books. He was telling our neighbour that the old woman had already lost 50 pounds. She looked very impressed until he added, "That's what she's spent on some kitchen juicer thing." He'd better watch out or bits of him will be in it.

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Monday 23 November 2020

No More Little Toffee Cats

I can't be bothered with all this lovey-dovey stuff.

The old man and old woman watched a TV programme about animal instincts last night. The programme mentioned the – ahem – instinct to reproduce. Left to their own devices male cats spray to mark their territory. They fight, roam for miles and love a bit of howling, the louder the better. So they get the snip.

So uncouth. Not at all like we refined female cats.

I'm happy to say that they can get the "snip" in order to stop all of the above. I have had the female equivalent so, sadly for the world, there will be no more little Toffees.

I can see the point, I suppose. On the face of it lots more little Toffees with their inevitable devastating charm and beauty sounds appealing - but I don't think I could stand the competition.

In any case, looking after kittens sounds exhausting. I'd much rather be indulging my instincts to sleep, eat and hunt.

If you want more information search: Cat spaying, cat neutering, age to spay a cat, neutering your cat, neutering and spaying, kittens.

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Monday 9 November 2020

Toffee Cat's House Rules

Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:

1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.

2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be).

3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.

4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine.

5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.

6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.

7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.

8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.

9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.

10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.

So those are my cat rules and my feline facts. Read them and take note, fellow cats.

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Monday 2 November 2020

New Cat Food For Toffee

Toffee: Sit down, old woman. We need to talk.

This new cat food you've given me:

Is it of an acceptable quality?
Have you read the ingredients list?
Have you tasted it?
Does it have added vitamins?
Is it cheaper than my old food?
Did it come from a tin, pouch or foil tray?
Do posh cats eat it?
Could you put it on a silver plate?

Old woman: In order of question, Toffee - Yes, yes, no, yes, no, yes, of course, definitely not. You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it.

Toffee: (Gives old woman withering look and stalks off.)

Half an hour later cat food has "mysteriously" disappeared.

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Monday 28 September 2020

Toffee Cat's Facial Expressions

The old woman was complaining that I only had one expression - and that was "grumpy". It's a lie, of course. I have very many different expressions and I look bright and cheerful in all of them. She's so dim she can't distinguish one from another so I have compiled a handy guide.

Cat expressions are infinitely varied, as you can see.

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Stop the cat burglar!

I'm livid.

That twit of a cat who lives next door, Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am a part Persian cat"), has stolen my chicken. The felon, the thief, the robber, the poacher, the crook, the...the...the CAT BURGLAR!

Admittedly I had not acquired that chicken joint by totally legitimate means. It may have just, um, accidentally fallen into my paws after the old woman took it out of the fridge and put it on the kitchen counter but IT WAS MY CHICKEN. I had hidden in the garden to save it for a rainy day. Today was raining but the chicken had GONE and I spotted that TWIT Rajah dragging it away.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this.

Scary, huh? Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee and pinch my cat food, the little twerp.

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Thursday 10 September 2020

Toffee Cat Meets A Child

Preview Not So Sweet Toffee

WARNING! WARNING! There is a child is in the house, brought in by its mother. I am keeping an eye on it as I know from previous experience that these miniature hoomans are prone to erratic behaviour. 

Luckily this one seems to be both static and mute, which are qualities to which all miniature hoomans should aspire. 

Then the old man said to mute miniature hooman, “What’s the matter, buddy. Cat got your tongue?” Bloody typical. I get blamed for everything in this house. NO, I DO NOT HAVE MINIATURE HOOMAN’S TONGUE. 

(Have you looked under the sofa?)

Cats and children do not always mix, although I know lots of cats who love children. Go figure...

Here's my book. Yes, I am Toffee Cat, the author. You can look inside without buying - though why you wouldn't want to buy it is beyond me...      http://bit.ly/wordsbytoffee

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Monday 31 August 2020

Toffee Cat Never Makes A Mistake

Mistakes were made...but not by me. No, not ever. Never.

Have I mentioned I've written a book?

[Only every two minutes, says the old Woman.]

Take no notice of her, I'm sure I've barely mentioned it. Anywayyyy, I thought you might be interested in finding out what I was writing about this time last year, so here's my August 31st entry. You're welcome

August 31st

I never make mistakes. The old man and the old woman, may THINK I have made a mistake but they are wrong.

They may see me climb to the top of the bookcase and then, apparently, miss my footing and plummet to the floor. I have, however, done this completely on purpose. I am in training for the Purrlympics. Never heard of them? Well, we cats don’t like to brag about our athletic expertise but we hold several events every year. I am the world champion in the Three Metre Drop and aim to keep my title this year.The old man and the old woman may think my head is stuck in a cardboard box. No, it is not. I can remove the box whenever I like. I am just in here checking there are no insects stuck in the corners. It might take me some time. Yes, I’m still looking. I know it’s been ten minutes but I am nothing if not thorough. If you want to, you can take the box off me. I will humour you and allow you to do that. Like, now? NOW!

One day the silly pair thought I had swallowed a bee by accident. Hadn’t they heard that bee venom cures arthritis? I know my face blew up like a balloon and they had to take me to the vet but that’s a small price to pay for not having this debilitating illness. I am aware I don’t actually have arthritis but this is merely proof that my preventative measure is working.

They laugh when I apparently chase my own tail in the mistaken belief it belongs to someone else. But what I am actually doing is testing Dizziness Resistance. I must make sure that after four or five head-spinning turns I can still stand up. I am doing this for YOU, old man and old woman. What if, for example, I spotted a mouse inside a-a-a spinning thing, how could I rescue you from the little monster if I were having a dizzy spell? So, you see, I am doing it all for you.

A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.

Soooo, if you want to read a book written by a brilliant cat author (MEEEE!), take a look. It's a BRILLIANT cat book, even if I do say so myself. I'm a funny cat!

Preview Not So Sweet Toffee

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Saturday 8 August 2020

Toffee And World Cat Day

Cat is not me but is how I feel

Today is World Cat Day. I am not best pleased. In fact, I am furious.

Why? Because on the interweb thingy I found an article called Four Ways To Celebrate World Cat Day and so far my old man and old woman have TOTALLY IGNORED every single point.

Number One: Give gifts.

I'm waiting. I said, I'm waiting. I have yet to receive any kind of gift. Not even an extra few meaty chunks in my food bowl.

Number Two: Today is not a day for reprimanding your cat.

I have already been told off for walking over the duvet with muddy paws, sleeping on top of the clean laundry, spilling my food in a two foot radius of my bowl, scratching some hideous piece of furniture, biting some hideous hooman, sleeping on the keyboard of the laptop while someone is PRETENDING to work, leaving my toys all over the house etc, etc, etc.

Number Three: Forgo all rights to comfortable sitting/sleeping spaces and let your cat cuddle up wherever they want.

(See number two re duvet and laundry.) And, I might add, I was dumped off the sofa just because I was sitting on a magazine the old woman wanted to read. And the old man didn't want me sleeping on his head.

Number Four: Pamper your cat. Groom them endlessly with a soft brush, give them expensive and delicious food, buy them some new toys.

Nope. Nope. And nope. Not a brush, not a prawn and not a toy in sight.

Soooo. I'm plotting my cat revenge. Cue evil laugh...

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Wednesday 29 July 2020

Toffee Cat Finds A Grass Snake

By the way, picture is not my paw and not my grass snake.

My snake was deader than a dodo. [Picture posed by model]

I was out and about in the early hours of the morning, roaming around my territory, making sure no interloper was hiding (you know who you are, stupid neighbour cat Rajah) when I spotted a snake in the grass.

This snake though, was going nowhere and hurting no one. It was a dead as a door nail, as dead as a dodo, it was deceased, it was an ex-snake.

I am such a kind and generous cat that I decided to share this grass snake with my old man and old woman. It may have been dead but it wasn't easy wrestling that snake through the cat flap, into the house and up the stairs.

I didn't have time to gift wrap it but I laid it gently on the pillow between the old man and the old woman and prodded them both with my paw to wake them up.

What a kerfuffle! The old woman screamed loud enough to wake the dead (although not quite loud enough to wake a dead grass snake - she should have upped it a few decibels). And the old man started swearing - words I cannot repeat in a family blog. The next thing I knew the snake was flying through the window and landed on the grass near enough where I had picked it up in the first place.

So that was my morning. A load of effort for no return; a gift rejected; and a snake lying dead in the grass.

I'm a funny cat!

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Monday 20 July 2020

Toffee Cat Samples The Pudding

I don't have a sweet tooth, which is not surprising as cats don't have sweet taste receptors in their tongues (read THIS if you want to know more, See, this cat blog is educational as well as entertaining).

Even so... the old woman made Sticky Toffee Pudding today and I thought I'd see if it was as disgusting as it looked. To be honest, most of her cooking looks pretty dire - she's not the best cook in the world.

So I had a crafty lick when no one was looking. I have now discovered why it is called ‘sticky’ toffee pudding because most of it is now stuck to pillows, chairs and my fur.

I am, indeed, a sticky Toffee. I'm a funny cat!

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Monday 6 July 2020

Toffee Cat Does Not Have A Big Bum

Me: Does my bum look big in this picture?
Old woman: I’m pleading the fifth amendment.
Me: What’s that?
Old woman: That I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.
Me: So you think my bum is the perfect size.
Old woman: Well……

* * * * * * *

I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.