Monday, 31 August 2020

Toffee Never Makes A Mistake





Mistakes were made...but not by me. No, not ever. Never.


Have I mentioned I've written a book?

[Only every two minutes, says the old Woman.]

Take no notice of her, I'm sure I've barely mentioned it. Anywayyyy, I thought you might be interested in finding out what I was writing about this time last year, so here's my August 31st entry. You're welcome

August 31st

I never make mistakes. The old man and the old woman, may THINK I have made a mistake but they are wrong.

They may see me climb to the top of the bookcase and then, apparently, miss my footing and plummet to the floor. I have, however, done this completely on purpose. I am in training for the Purrlympics. Never heard of them? Well, we cats don’t like to brag about our athletic expertise but we hold several events every year. I am the world champion in the Three Metre Drop and aim to keep my title this year.The old man and the old woman may think my head is stuck in a cardboard box. No, it is not. I can remove the box whenever I like. I am just in here checking there are no insects stuck in the corners. It might take me some time. Yes, I’m still looking. I know it’s been ten minutes but I am nothing if not thorough. If you want to, you can take the box off me. I will humour you and allow you to do that. Like, now? NOW!

One day the silly pair thought I had swallowed a bee by accident. Hadn’t they heard that bee venom cures arthritis? I know my face blew up like a balloon and they had to take me to the vet but that’s a small price to pay for not having this debilitating illness. I am aware I don’t actually have arthritis but this is merely proof that my preventative measure is working.

They laugh when I apparently chase my own tail in the mistaken belief it belongs to someone else. But what I am actually doing is testing Dizziness Resistance. I must make sure that after four or five head-spinning turns I can still stand up. I am doing this for YOU, old man and old woman.  What if, for example, I spotted a mouse inside a-a-a spinning thing, how could I rescue you from the little monster if I were having a dizzy spell? So, you see, I am doing it all for you.

A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss. 


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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.


            

You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.


3 comments:

  1. I love your book. I hope you write a sequel.

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    1. Thank you so much both of you. I am at present writing another book. The old woman is typing it for me and she's SO SLOW it's painful! By the way Pilch92, thank you for the Goodreads review. The old woman will reciprocate. xxx

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