Toffee Tries To Join The Circus

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Dear Bill and Bailey Circus,

Owing to a contretemps involving the old man, a mobile phone dropped down the toilet and withdrawal of treat privileges, I am running away from home to join the circus. I have excellent organisational skills so I was thinking “ring master”. I will require a Winnebago to live in, prawns on demand and a velvet cushion to sit on.

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

Thank you for your application, if that is what it was, but circuses in the UK are no longer allowed to use or employ wild animals. Therefore, we reluctantly have to decline your application.

Bill and Bailey Circus

Dear Bill and Bailey Circus,

I am a domesticated feline with impeccable manners, so I take exception to being referred to as a wild animal. At least I wasn’t wild before I got your letter but I am now. In fact, I am livid.

Toffee

• This is an excerpt from my next book, Letters From A Diva Cat. Coming soon! Until then, have a look at my current book, Not So Sweet Toffee. See below.

          

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Toffee Wants To Hire In Some Muscle

There I was lounging about on the windowsill when I spotted the neighbour's idiot cat.

He's called Rajah and is the bane of my life. He pinches my food, leaves his smelly scent all over the garden and thinks he's sooooooo posh just because he has a smidgeon of Persian cat in him.

I'm too comfortable to move so I hall have to hire in some muscle. Anyone got a spare crocodile?

            

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Toffee Seizes The Day

The old woman is running around like a demented cod and shouting "carpe diem, Toffee" in my ear. Seize the day? I see no cod or carp so I'm not interested!

No, I'm going to build up my strength during a restorative nap. I think that's a much better use of my time than dashing around like a fool.

Lifestyle tips courtesy of Toffee!

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Toffee's Kiss A Ginger Day Complaint

Yesterday was Kiss A Ginger Day. Who on EARTH thought this was a good idea? I have to skedaddle pretty damn quick to escape the amatory osculations of my old woman at the best of times without making it official.

I spent all day trying to dodge her attempts to plant a smacker on the top of my head. I hardly got a wink of sleep - only 16 hours compared to my usual 18. 

This day should be BANNED for the sake of all gingers who don't want to end the day sleep-deprived and with soggy fur.

I. AM. NOT. PLEASED.

          

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Toffee Loses The Christmas Spirit

The costume the old woman has been looking at on the internet.

Hope you are all ready for Christmas. I've bought my presents. I'm getting the old woman a cardboard box and the old man a packet of prawns. They are sure to appreciate the thoughtfulness I've put into choosing their gifts.

Not that the old woman deserves a gift. I caught her looking at this cat costume on the internet. Word to the wise, old woman, if that costume gets anywhere near my body you and it are both toast! You have been warned...

          

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Toffee Talks About Acro-Cats

I've been having a conversation with my old woman. This is just one letter soon to be published in my next book. Watch this space...if you know what's good for you.

Dear Old Woman,

I heard you discussing The Amazing Acro-Cats with that woman with the big nose from two doors down. You know, the one you can see coming long before she turns the corner.

It seems they are a troupe of performing cats who do lots of tricks on stage. You were of the opinion that training me would be absolutely impossible as I never do a darn thing I am told.

You have a point. However, I might not be a good trainee but I am a good trainer. After all, I had you and the old man fully trained within two weeks of coming to live with you.

Toffee

 

Dear Toffee,

Unfortunately, this is true.

The Old Woman

          

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The Hoomans Oversleep

My old man and old woman have been rushing around like blue arsed flies this morning after doing something called "oversleeping". They were tired because their sleep was disturbed by someone - ahem - zooming around the bedroom in the middle of the night. Whether that was anything to do with me, I couldn't possibly comment.

They eventually ran off to work at the rate of knots, glaring at me as they exited the premises.

The trouble with hoomans is that they waste so much energy doing things that don't need doing. For example, cooking. They don't need to cook. Open pouches, tins or packets of prawns (especially packets of prawns). Minimal energy expended on nutritious meals.

I found this on the internet and I would print it out for them but I'm conserving energy: "Hoomans should simplify their lives into energy intake (snack), energy conservation (catnap), energy restoration (snack again), more energy conservation for digestion (catnap again) and so on. Human eyesight is poor. It’s pitiful to see them blundering about, stubbing their toes in the dark, but their blindness is useful if you decide to snack on the hamster at midnight."

Wise words indeed.

          

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