Not So Sweet Toffee

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Stop the cat burglar!

I'm livid.

That twit of a cat who lives next door, Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am a part Persian cat"), has stolen my chicken. The felon, the thief, the robber, the poacher, the crook, the...the...the CAT BURGLAR!

Admittedly I had not acquired that chicken joint by totally legitimate means. It may have just, um, accidentally fallen into my paws after the old woman took it out of the fridge and put it on the kitchen counter but IT WAS MY CHICKEN. I had hidden in the garden to save it for a rainy day. Today was raining but the chicken had GONE and I spotted that TWIT Rajah dragging it away.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this.

Scary, huh? Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee and pinch my cat food, the little twerp.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

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Thursday, 10 September 2020

Toffee Cat Meets A Child

Preview Not So Sweet Toffee

WARNING! WARNING! There is a child is in the house, brought in by its mother. I am keeping an eye on it as I know from previous experience that these miniature hoomans are prone to erratic behaviour. 

Luckily this one seems to be both static and mute, which are qualities to which all miniature hoomans should aspire. 

Then the old man said to mute miniature hooman, “What’s the matter, buddy. Cat got your tongue?” Bloody typical. I get blamed for everything in this house. NO, I DO NOT HAVE MINIATURE HOOMAN’S TONGUE. 

(Have you looked under the sofa?)

Cats and children do not always mix, although I know lots of cats who love children. Go figure...

Here's my book. Yes, I am Toffee Cat, the author. You can look inside without buying - though why you wouldn't want to buy it is beyond me...      http://bit.ly/wordsbytoffee

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Monday, 31 August 2020

Toffee Cat Never Makes A Mistake

Mistakes were made...but not by me. No, not ever. Never.

Have I mentioned I've written a book?

[Only every two minutes, says the old Woman.]

Take no notice of her, I'm sure I've barely mentioned it. Anywayyyy, I thought you might be interested in finding out what I was writing about this time last year, so here's my August 31st entry. You're welcome

August 31st

I never make mistakes. The old man and the old woman, may THINK I have made a mistake but they are wrong.

They may see me climb to the top of the bookcase and then, apparently, miss my footing and plummet to the floor. I have, however, done this completely on purpose. I am in training for the Purrlympics. Never heard of them? Well, we cats don’t like to brag about our athletic expertise but we hold several events every year. I am the world champion in the Three Metre Drop and aim to keep my title this year.The old man and the old woman may think my head is stuck in a cardboard box. No, it is not. I can remove the box whenever I like. I am just in here checking there are no insects stuck in the corners. It might take me some time. Yes, I’m still looking. I know it’s been ten minutes but I am nothing if not thorough. If you want to, you can take the box off me. I will humour you and allow you to do that. Like, now? NOW!

One day the silly pair thought I had swallowed a bee by accident. Hadn’t they heard that bee venom cures arthritis? I know my face blew up like a balloon and they had to take me to the vet but that’s a small price to pay for not having this debilitating illness. I am aware I don’t actually have arthritis but this is merely proof that my preventative measure is working.

They laugh when I apparently chase my own tail in the mistaken belief it belongs to someone else. But what I am actually doing is testing Dizziness Resistance. I must make sure that after four or five head-spinning turns I can still stand up. I am doing this for YOU, old man and old woman. What if, for example, I spotted a mouse inside a-a-a spinning thing, how could I rescue you from the little monster if I were having a dizzy spell? So, you see, I am doing it all for you.

A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.

Soooo, if you want to read a book written by a brilliant cat author (MEEEE!), take a look. It's a BRILLIANT cat book, even if I do say so myself. I'm a funny cat!

Preview Not So Sweet Toffee

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Saturday, 8 August 2020

Toffee And World Cat Day

Cat is not me but is how I feel

Today is World Cat Day. I am not best pleased. In fact, I am furious.

Why? Because on the interweb thingy I found an article called Four Ways To Celebrate World Cat Day and so far my old man and old woman have TOTALLY IGNORED every single point.

Number One: Give gifts.

I'm waiting. I said, I'm waiting. I have yet to receive any kind of gift. Not even an extra few meaty chunks in my food bowl.

Number Two: Today is not a day for reprimanding your cat.

I have already been told off for walking over the duvet with muddy paws, sleeping on top of the clean laundry, spilling my food in a two foot radius of my bowl, scratching some hideous piece of furniture, biting some hideous hooman, sleeping on the keyboard of the laptop while someone is PRETENDING to work, leaving my toys all over the house etc, etc, etc.

Number Three: Forgo all rights to comfortable sitting/sleeping spaces and let your cat cuddle up wherever they want.

(See number two re duvet and laundry.) And, I might add, I was dumped off the sofa just because I was sitting on a magazine the old woman wanted to read. And the old man didn't want me sleeping on his head.

Number Four: Pamper your cat. Groom them endlessly with a soft brush, give them expensive and delicious food, buy them some new toys.

Nope. Nope. And nope. Not a brush, not a prawn and not a toy in sight.

Soooo. I'm plotting my cat revenge. Cue evil laugh...

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Wednesday, 29 July 2020

Toffee Cat Finds A Grass Snake

By the way, picture is not my paw and not my grass snake.

My snake was deader than a dodo. [Picture posed by model]

I was out and about in the early hours of the morning, roaming around my territory, making sure no interloper was hiding (you know who you are, stupid neighbour cat Rajah) when I spotted a snake in the grass.

This snake though, was going nowhere and hurting no one. It was a dead as a door nail, as dead as a dodo, it was deceased, it was an ex-snake.

I am such a kind and generous cat that I decided to share this grass snake with my old man and old woman. It may have been dead but it wasn't easy wrestling that snake through the cat flap, into the house and up the stairs.

I didn't have time to gift wrap it but I laid it gently on the pillow between the old man and the old woman and prodded them both with my paw to wake them up.

What a kerfuffle! The old woman screamed loud enough to wake the dead (although not quite loud enough to wake a dead grass snake - she should have upped it a few decibels). And the old man started swearing - words I cannot repeat in a family blog. The next thing I knew the snake was flying through the window and landed on the grass near enough where I had picked it up in the first place.

So that was my morning. A load of effort for no return; a gift rejected; and a snake lying dead in the grass.

I'm a funny cat!

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Monday, 20 July 2020

Toffee Cat Samples The Pudding

I don't have a sweet tooth, which is not surprising as cats don't have sweet taste receptors in their tongues (read THIS if you want to know more, See, this cat blog is educational as well as entertaining).

Even so... the old woman made Sticky Toffee Pudding today and I thought I'd see if it was as disgusting as it looked. To be honest, most of her cooking looks pretty dire - she's not the best cook in the world.

So I had a crafty lick when no one was looking. I have now discovered why it is called ‘sticky’ toffee pudding because most of it is now stuck to pillows, chairs and my fur.

I am, indeed, a sticky Toffee. I'm a funny cat!

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Monday, 6 July 2020

Toffee Cat Does Not Have A Big Bum

Me: Does my bum look big in this picture?
Old woman: I’m pleading the fifth amendment.
Me: What’s that?
Old woman: That I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.
Me: So you think my bum is the perfect size.
Old woman: Well……

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I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

Toffee And The Empire State Building

If you’ve been trying to get hold me and I haven’t responded, it’s because I have been busy sight-seeing in New York. My visit to the Empire State Building was interesting. I could see the whole of the city from up there.  

The old woman muttered something about me being a monster at the best of times - which I’m taking as a compliment. 

I have to confess. I haven’t really turned into a giant cat (shock). This is a photoshopped picture that was shared on Twitter by Michael’s Cat (@michaelscat2).

Some of the comments on the tweet made the old woman laugh:

I welcome our feline overlords.

That's fake....the cat is actually that big.

I will obey them like I would no person ever!! I believe in their magical wisdom.

Best thing to do on Twitter.

Oh! I want that! More to hug.

Catzilla.

Cat Kong.

This was the old woman's favourite: “Correction: You photoshopped the Empire State Building onto your giant cat!”

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Thursday, 25 June 2020

Toffee Wants A Sling

I’m trying to persuade the old man to buy one of these. So far he does not seem interested and is happy to dump me off his lap whenever he gets up. Such treatment is unnecessary. 

It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a flibbertigibbet. I get settled down and he wants to pee. I settle down again and he needs a snack. I get back on his lap and he decides he wants a cup of tea to go with the snack. Why he couldn't get the both together is beyond me; he is a stranger to forward planning. 

I think some kind of sling like the one above would create minimal disruption and if he was careful, wouldn't even wake me up. Come on, old man, get a grip.By the way, not one to blow my own trumpet but… my book (search NOT SO SWEET TOFFEE on Amazon) has had another 5* review. It says: “Toffee has her humans trained well, but they are slow learners and she still has her work cut out I think. They're a work in progress for sure. I found myself sniggering and chortling and I quite embarrassed myself to be honest. But Toffee is a treat! I will not let my cat anywhere near this book, though, as he doesn’t need any new ideas!” 

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Monday, 1 June 2020

Toffee Helps With The Gardening

Busy in the garden

The old woman works from home so I'm used to having her under my paws all day. In fact, it's quite handy as I get food on demand. All I have to do is sit beside her desk and meow piteously and she always obliges.

Since this coronavirus thing, though, the old man has been at home too and he's a completely different kettle of fish. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been roaming about getting in the way all day, trying to make me play when all I want to do is sleep.

Luckily he was annoying the old woman so much she set him to work in the garden. He spent all morning digging and then planting seeds in neat rows. I, in an error of judgement I soon came to regret, spent all afternoon digging them up again. How was I to know it wasn't some kind of bizarre hooman game?

My task done, I padded inside to recover from my exertions with a little nap. But then came a yell outside from the old man. ‘Noooooooo!’

I skedaddled and laid low under the bed in the guest bedroom until evening. The old man and old woman must have been worried because they were outside calling me. Naturally, I ignored them. When I finally emerged from my hidey hole they were so pleased to see me they forgot about my earlier transgressions.

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Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Toffee's Funny Meow

I accidentally did a funny little meow. The old man and old woman meowed back trying to get me to do it again. Went on for ages. Will you tell them two grown people have been meowing at each other for the last 10 minutes, or shall I?

Have you missed me? I took a few days off after taking part in the A to Z Challenge (there's a list of them on the side somewhere). Twenty-six posts in 26 days. TWENTY-SIX. Nearly killed me. Then someone mentioned I could have completed a load of them in advance - now you tell me...

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Thursday, 30 April 2020

Toffee Is A Zen Master

[Post written for Z in the A to Z Blog Challenge.]

"Toffee is very zen, isn't she?" said the old woman to the old man as I lay contentedly between them with my head in her lap.

"What the hell does that mean?" he asked. I was wondering that too. If it's nothing to do with prawns, I'm not interested.

She flustered a bit. "It's when, you know, when people - well, and cats - are, you know, like zenlike."

"Clear as mud," he replied.

She proceeded to look up the definition on the internet. "It says here it's a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures," she said triumphantly.

"Still clear as mud," said the old man. "But she certainly 'meditates' a lot if you can call sleeping meditating." He laughed as if he'd said something funny. He hadn't.

I leapt up and raced full pelt to the kitchen, skidding to a halt beside my food bowl. I meowed very loudly to draw attention to the fact that I was in imminent danger of starving to death.

I could hear the old man laughing and then saying, "She's not very zen now, is she?" The old woman sighed loudly as she strode into the kitchen to remedy the error of an empty bowl.

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Y is for Yoga

He makes it look so easy

I HAVE noticed over the last few months that my normally sleek, well-toned physique has become a little fluffy around the edges. I blame the old man and the old woman (who else) for allowing me too many treats like cheese and sausage off their plates. In an effort to regain the body of a lean, mean fighting machine, I have taken up yoga.

There are many poses suitable for a fit young girl like me. I don't mind the Crane and the Cobra but I draw the line at the Downward Dog pose. I have my standards.

So here are a few of the poses I have been trying out:

Inhale

Exhale

Balance

And relax...

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Tuesday, 28 April 2020

X is for eXperiment

My friend is caught in the act - note contrite expression.

Here is an excerpt about experiments from my book. 'A book?' You ask. 'Has Toffee written a book?' Yes I have! See adverts all over this blog. Well, I didn't want anyone to miss the fact that I HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK.

In order to increase the sum of human knowledge, I have been investigating the effects of gravity on random objects.

The results of my experiments:

Coffee mug. Will break. Effect: Liquid content will spread and stain pale rug. Secondary effect: The old woman will scream and rush to get the carpet cleaner.

Jar of jam/jelly. Will break. Effect: Floor becomes sticky. Very sticky. Secondary effect: If anyone (*looks innocent) walks through it they will leave jammy footprints all over the house.

Newspaper. Will fall apart. Effect: The old man will bundle it back together again while swearing. Quite loudly. Secondary effect: The old man will start reading an article and become very confused because he's got the pages in the wrong order.

Glass bowls. Will break. Effect: The old woman will be upset because it was a gift from Aunt Maud. Secondary effect: The old man will do a fist pump because he's always hated it.

Pillow. Will fall and look very inviting. Too inviting. Effect: Zzzzzzzz.Secondary effect: Zzzzzzzz.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Einstein.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Monday, 27 April 2020

W is for Walks

The old man and old woman like to go out for a walk - but just because they like aimlessly wandering about with sweets in their pockets, it doesn't mean I like it too. I get enough exercise playing and hunting, thank you very much. So I was more than a little surprised when the old woman crept up on me the other day as I was napping on the sofa.

Suddenly, I felt something being put over my head and around my chest. I leapt to my feet, looked down over myself and realised I had been trussed like a chicken in some ill-fitting harness contraption with a lead attached.

‘Come on,’ said the old woman brightly. ‘We’re going for a walk.’

WHAT!

YOU might be going for a walk, lady, I most certainly am not.

She lifted me up and carried me outside. She put me down and gave a little tug to the leash. With admirable restraint I refrained from attacking her legs.

‘Come on Toffee, walkies!’ I walked onto the grass. She tried to pull me forward. I lay down. She dragged me along the lawn.

‘Toffee, stand up. We’re going for a walk.’

I dug my claws into the grass. She tugged harder and dragged me a bit further. I made a run for it, taking her by surprise, and scaled the nearest tree, the harness trailing behind me.

She stood underneath, calling me.

‘Come down, Toffee. It’s OK. You don’t have to go for a walk. I’ll get you some prawns. Don’t stay up there, you might get the lead tangled in the branches.’

The old man, who had been watching from the doorway, reached up, lifted me from the tree and removed the harness. He appeared to be laughing about something. Not sure what.

‘That went well!’ he said to the old woman.

She stared at him, stony-faced, snatched the harness and stalked off indoors.

The old man tickled me under the chin.

‘Come on, girl. Let’s go find some prawns.’

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Saturday, 25 April 2020

V is for Valentine's Day

My old man and old woman are a soppy pair and always celebrate Valentine's Day. This year they swapped presents and went out for dinner. They didn't forget me and I got a card from ‘A Secret Admirer’ and some special cat treats. Not much of a secret as I saw the old woman writing the card and wrapping the present.

Valentine's Day wasn't always so peaceful. The other year the old man decided to scale back a bit on the romantic gifts - gulp! Had he learned nothing after years of living with the old woman?

The day arrived and the old man got a card and some electronic gizmo he’d been dropping hints about for weeks. He was delighted and handed over a present to the old woman. She ripped the paper off excitedly. Then her face fell.

‘A garlic press and an electric tin opener? You got me a garlic press and a tin opener for Valentine’s Day?’

Then his face fell. ‘But you said you wanted a garlic press and the tin opener is electric,’ he said.

She pursed her lips and said coldly, 'I might have wanted a garlic press. But. Not. For. Valentine's. Day.' She flung the presents at him and stalked out of the room saying: ‘Don’t come near me. Don’t come anywhere near me.’

Then he left too with his wallet clutched in his hand. Later, the house was full of flowers, chocolates and the smell of very expensive perfume. Peace was restored.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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➨You can follow me on Facebook, talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Not So Sweet Toffee

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

Stop the cat burglar!

Thursday, 10 September 2020

Toffee Cat Meets A Child

Monday, 31 August 2020

Toffee Cat Never Makes A Mistake

Saturday, 8 August 2020

Toffee And World Cat Day

Wednesday, 29 July 2020

Toffee Cat Finds A Grass Snake

Monday, 20 July 2020

Toffee Cat Samples The Pudding

Monday, 6 July 2020

Toffee Cat Does Not Have A Big Bum

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

Toffee And The Empire State Building

Thursday, 25 June 2020

Toffee Wants A Sling

Monday, 1 June 2020

Toffee Helps With The Gardening

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Toffee's Funny Meow

Thursday, 30 April 2020

Toffee Is A Zen Master

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Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Y is for Yoga

Tuesday, 28 April 2020

X is for eXperiment

Monday, 27 April 2020

W is for Walks

Saturday, 25 April 2020

V is for Valentine's Day

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