Illegal Entry

The old woman is oblivious to a major act of larceny which occurred this morning at 0800 hours. The perpetrator was neighbour’s cat Jasper who effected an illegal entry through the back door and stole my dish of tuna in jelly.

I shall let this felony pass, for now, but who knows what may befall the odious twerp in the future?

In the meantime, I AM HUNGRY, OLD WOMAN, need my breakfast. I am sitting beside my empty bowl giving her a very straight look - to no avail at the moment but she'd better respond soon or she will also be on my naughty list.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee's Busy Day of Housework

This is not me - but this how exhausted I felt after tidying up.

Today I have been helping with the housework. I have dusted shelves by rolling across them - admittedly I broke a couple of things. Couldn't be helped - collateral damage.

I licked a plate clean as a new pin. The old woman shouted, "Ew, Toffee!" and immediately poured boiling water on it and put it in the dishwasher, so I think she was grateful for my assistance in getting the original bits of food off.

I found a couple of spider webs and ate the spiders. Got another, "Ew, Toffee!" for that one but she got the feather duster out and completed the job after I had made a good start on it.

I tidied the old man's desk by knocking all the papers off it onto the floor. It's now the tidiest desk I have ever seen it. Can't wait to see his face when he gets home.

So that's my busy day done. If you need my help, give me a call. (Payment must be in packets of prawns.)

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Explains Schrodinger's Cat Theory

The old woman has been reading about Schrodinger's Cat. I don't know why; she's not at all scientific. As far as I can make out her experience of science begins and ends with using a Bunsen burner in the third form at school and nearly setting herself on fire.

As per usual, it was left to me to make sense of this very complicated scientific principle. Let me explain. Schrodinger said if you put a cat, some poison, a Geiger counter hitched up to a hammer and some radioactive substance in a steel box, the radioactive bit either will or won't decay. If it decays it sets in motion a reaction that will shatter the bottle of poison and the cat dies, if the radioactive bit doesn't decay, the cat lives. Like below: 

You open the box and it's either tears and a touching funeral or the cat jumps out demanding his tea. I agree with writer Terry Pratchett who said in his book Lords and Ladies, that there was a third possible state for the cat in the box and that was "bloody furious". 

Quantum experiments had shown that the behaviour of an atom or photon was dependent upon the observer. What Schrodinger was saying is that you cannot apply this theory to everyday objects, like cats. It was all a paradox as it WAS happening with the atoms and photons. 

In other words, the cat is EITHER alive or dead, irrespective of the observer. 

I don't know why Schrodinger was so sure that a cat couldn't be alive or dead simultaneously. It's an everyday phenomenon observed by cat owners the world over. See this picture?

This cat has "died" to punish you for some oversight or omission like accidentally throwing out his saliva-infused, stinky, half -chewed toy mouse, but as soon as you run to him sobbing uncontrollably, he will jump up and the scare the life out of you.

So that's the explanation. You're welcome.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Makes A Joke

Nice day today so I'm out in the garden surveying my territory. I'm in an unusually good mood as I've just chased that twit Rajah from next door back over the fence.

I've found some jokes for you (yes, ME!)

Here goes: 

What is brown and runs round the garden?

A fence

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?

Squash

The old woman is making a  herb garden, putting all the plants in alphabetical order. Her neighbour asked how she found the time. She said: "It's right next to the sage."

There is a bird feeder in the garden

It also works as a cat feeder

Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?

He's got green fingers.

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens

I was raking it in

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

What do you call it when worms take over the world?

Global Worming

What do you call a homeless snail? A slug

What do you call a cheerleading herb?

An encourage mint!

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

But you've probably heard of herbivore

Why was the cucumber mad?

Because it was in a pickle!

What did the George Michael say to the gardener?

Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?

He was hearing voices in his shed

Oo, I'm hilarious!

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version. Or look HERE.

            

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Toffee Executes Plan B

Good morning, one and all, on this particularly fine spring morning.

Yes, I am in an unusually good mood. It's only 7.30am and I have already grossed out the old man and the old woman. Cue evil laugh.

It was their own fault. I was up bright and early and where were they? Under the duvet, snoring, the pair of them. I tried everything short of putting a bomb under the bed. They are a peaceable pair and no bombs were forthcoming.

Not even my cold wet nose pressed against their faces or sitting on their heads managed to wake them. Even singing the song of my people had no effect.  Then when I found my food bowl was empty I had no choice but to put Plan B into action.

I went into the sitting-room and found three spiders - not hard to find spiders in this house, what with the abysmal level of housework. They're ex-spiders now. In fact, so ex are they that they ended up in my stomach. I found some fluff and swallowed that as well. Then - result - under the sofa was that dried up bit of pork I had been saving for a rainy day and forgotten about. That rainy day had arrived - it went down a treat.

I had a couple of gulps of water to make sure all the ingredients were nicely marinated, waited a few minutes, and puked half of it up in the old man's shoe and half in old woman's.

They overslept and were later running about like blue-arsed flies trying to get to work on time.

To say they weren't best pleased when they thrust their feet into their shoes was an under-statement. I didn't know they knew such language. The air turned blue and my ears turned red.

At least they weren't too rushed to forget to feed me. I'm now curled up on the settee, purring away, after I finally got my breakfast. Have a good day, Peeps.

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*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life called Not So Sweet Toffee. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee's Scientific Fact

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

Scientists have proved beyond all reasonable doubt that you need to increase my prawn supply quite considerably or I will die from malnutrition. #ScientificFact #NotMadeUpAtAll #AbsolutelyTrue

Yours In Anticipation,

Toffee

(Do you think this will work? They're a bit dim so they'll probably believe me.)

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life - best book ever. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat's Busy Day

What a busy day I've had and it's not even lunch time yet.

My first task of the day was to eat my breakfast and then help out the old man and old woman by licking the butter off their toast. They didn't seem pleased with this assistance but they both need to lose weight so I'm doing them a favour. 

I had a visit to the garden and scared off several birds and the twit cat Rajah from next door (oo, I'm so posh, I'm part Persian). Then it was back indoors to wash all my important little places

I have played with Mr Fluffy Bum. And I have circled the big cushion on the sofa, making a nice big round depression.

Mr Fluffy Bum

Now I'm exhausted. Sleep. Need to sleep. Just a short 18-hour nap should do it.

Oh yes, I'm a funny cat!

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.