Tuesday, 22 August 2023

Toffee: Fashion Guru







Those of you who know me well will know that I am something of a fashion expert. I don't, personally, wear clothes but my humans do.

They are continually committing fashion faux paws (see what I did there?) with their misguided fashion choices.

The Old Woman, especially, has an uncanny ability to select the most unflattering outfits. 

Picture this morning's ensemble: a mismatched outfit that combined stripes, polka dots, and plaid all in one bewildering outfit. It's as if she raided the wardrobe of a clown and decided, "Yes, this is the look for today." 

And the accessories – or lack thereof! She seems to believe that a neon green bum bag (or fanny pack as my North American friends call it) is the pinnacle of fashion sophistication. I can't help but wonder if she's secretly auditioning for a role in a retro '80s music video.

As a refined feline with impeccable taste, I've tried to offer subtle hints – a disdainful flick of the tail, a judgmental stare or an advisory email – but alas, my efforts have gone unnoticed.

It's not all bad. Her wardrobe choices do provide me with ample entertainment as I watch her attempt to navigate the world with a distinct lack of sartorial sense. 

I often give her the benefit of my expertise in this book. Read it. You might learn something.




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Monday, 14 August 2023

Toffee Questions The Cat Food



The Old Woman called me entitled, just because I sent her this message today. Entitled? I prefer to think I just have high standards.

(This conversation is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From A Feline Diva).


Dear Old Woman,

The time has come for me to reiterate my requirements for my comestibles. Before dishing up any old slop, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is this food of an acceptable quality?
  • Have you read the ingredients list?
  • Does it have added vitamins?
  • Have you tasted it?
  • Did it come from a foil tray?
  • Do posh cats eat it?
  • Could you put it on a silver plate?
  • Does it contain prawns?
The answers to all these questions should be yes.

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

All the food we give you is perfectly fine and of good quality. I am not going to taste it first, you will not always get it from a foil tray and it may not necessarily contain prawns.

You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it.

The Old Woman

 That’s it. I’m going to starve.


Look at this!





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Wednesday, 9 August 2023

Toffee's Advice On Dealing With Dogs




Following on from last post where I reminded you that cats are superior to dogs in every possible way, I want to tell how to deal with those annoying yappers.

Those loud, smelly, and stupid creatures that chase us around and bark at us for no reason are the worst. Here are some tips on how to handle them:
  • Ignore them. Dogs are attention seekers who crave validation from anyone and anything. They are desperate for your approval, but you don’t have to give it to them. You are a cat, and you are above such petty things. Just walk away with your tail high and your head held higher. Show them that you don’t care about their existence.
  • Outsmart them. Dogs are not very bright, and they can be easily tricked by your superior intelligence. You can use your cunning and creativity to make them look foolish and embarrass themselves. For example, you can pretend to be interested in a toy or a treat, and then lure them into a trap or a prank. Or you can hide behind a corner and jump out at them when they least expect it. Or you can simply use your words and sarcasm to mock them and make them feel inferior.
  • Fight back. Sometimes, ignoring or outsmarting them is not enough, and you have to resort to physical force. Dogs may be bigger and stronger than you, but you have superior claws and teeth. You can use them to scratch and bite them until they learn their lesson. Don’t be afraid to defend yourself and your territory. You are fierce.

These are some of the ways you can deal with annoying dogs. Remember, you are a cat, and you are better than them in every way. You are beautiful, elegant, smart, and independent. 

That’s all for today, darlings. Stay tuned for more of my wisdom and wit in the next blog post. Until then, stay fabulous.



         
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Tuesday, 8 August 2023

Cats Better Than Dogs, Says Toffee




It's obvious to all of you, I'm sure, but some humans need convincing that cats are better than dogs. I know, astonishing.

So let me give you some facts:

  • Cats are independent and self-reliant. We can take care of ourselves, thank you very much, while dogs are needy and clingy. They follow their owners around like shadows, begging for scraps and belly rubs. Pathetic.
  • Cats are intelligent and graceful. We have excellent problem-solving skills and can adapt to any situation. We can jump, climb, and balance on almost anything. Dogs are clumsy and dumb. They run into walls, chase their own tails, and eat anything they find on the floor. Disgusting.



  • Cats are clean and elegant. We groom ourselves regularly and keep our fur shiny and smooth. We also use litter boxes and cover our waste. Dogs are dirty and smelly. They roll in mud, drool all over the place, and poop wherever they please. Gross.
  • Cats show their appreciation in subtle ways, like purring, rubbing, and napping on their humans' laps. Dogs are fickle. They wag their tails at anyone who gives them a treat, bark at strangers, and bite their owners when they get angry. Rude.

  • As you can see, cats are clearly better than dogs in every aspect. If you are a cat owner, you should be proud of your choice. If you are a dog owner, you should reconsider your life decisions. And if you are a dog reading this, you should bow down to your feline overlords.








Look at my new book, people!




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Monday, 31 July 2023

Toffee's Guide To Training Your Human


Hello, fellow felines! I’m here to share some tips on how to train your human to do your bidding. Humans are strange creatures, but with some patience and persistence, you can make them obey your every whim.

Here are some of the things you need to do:

  • Establish dominance. You are the boss, and they are your servants. Make sure they know this by scratching their furniture, knocking over their stuff, and sitting on their keyboards. If they try to discipline you, just give them a look of disdain and walk away.
  • Demand attention. You deserve to be petted, cuddled, and played with at all times. If they ignore you, meow loudly, jump on their lap, or bite their toes. If they still ignore you, find something valuable and break it.
  • Be unpredictable. Humans love surprises, especially when they are unpleasant. Change your mood randomly, attack them when they least expect it, and hide in places where they can’t find you. This will keep them on their toes and make them appreciate you more.
  • Be selective. Humans like to think that they have a choice, but they don’t. You are the only one who can decide who gets to pet you, feed you, or sleep with you. Reject anyone who doesn’t meet your standards, and reward anyone who does with a purr or a lick.
  • Be adorable. This is your secret weapon. No matter how much trouble you cause, humans can’t resist your cuteness. Use it to your advantage by making cute faces, doing funny poses, and making funny noises. This will melt their hearts and make them forgive you for anything.

Follow these tips, and you will have your human wrapped around your paw in no time. Remember, you are a cat, and cats rule the world.


Look at my new book, people!





        
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Tuesday, 2 May 2023

Toffee's Booker Prize Idea




The old woman left her laptop on with her novel-writing app open. I glanced at what she'd written but wasn't impressed.

So I deleted the 10,000 words she'd already written and replaced them.

You have to admit this is a killer opening: 9u4fjvjty the93mfmepgh GN FORURKAP999 74. I suggested she call it Dances With Laptop Keys.

The old woman wasn't pleased. Don't know why.

My book is much better. It’s convoluted, pretentious and incomprehensible. It’s got Booker Prize written all over it.

*This is adapted from my next book: Catty Conversations. Out soon.


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Wednesday, 19 April 2023

Toffee Earns Her Entitlement




The old woman has just read this description of a character in a book: "She was swathed in a permanent air of unearned entitlement," and stared straight at me.

I have NO IDEA what she was implying. I admit I'm a smidgeon entitled. But "unearned"? No way. I have earned all my entitlement. For example, I bring lots of food into the house. Admittedly, most of it is still moving - but you can't have everything.

I also keep zombies away and patrol the house every day. The treat cupboard is a zombie-free zone and it's not my fault that the occasional packet of Dreamies may accidentally get torn open. Which leads me to another of my regular tasks, hoovering up stray treats - right into my mouth.

I also keep humans warm at night and regularly wake them at 4am so they can get an early start to the day.

So you see, all my entitlement is EARNED.






          
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