Toffee's Scientific Fact

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

Scientists have proved beyond all reasonable doubt that you need to increase my prawn supply quite considerably or I will die from malnutrition. #ScientificFact #NotMadeUpAtAll #AbsolutelyTrue

Yours In Anticipation,

Toffee

(Do you think this will work? They're a bit dim so they'll probably believe me.)

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life - best book ever. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat's Busy Day

What a busy day I've had and it's not even lunch time yet.

My first task of the day was to eat my breakfast and then help out the old man and old woman by licking the butter off their toast. They didn't seem pleased with this assistance but they both need to lose weight so I'm doing them a favour. 

I had a visit to the garden and scared off several birds and the twit cat Rajah from next door (oo, I'm so posh, I'm part Persian). Then it was back indoors to wash all my important little places

I have played with Mr Fluffy Bum. And I have circled the big cushion on the sofa, making a nice big round depression.

Mr Fluffy Bum

Now I'm exhausted. Sleep. Need to sleep. Just a short 18-hour nap should do it.

Oh yes, I'm a funny cat!

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

The Old Woman Decides To Exercise

The old woman looks NOTHING LIKE this and she'd better not try any of these shenanigans on me!

I am lying here on the sofa with my paws over my eyes. Why? The old woman has decided she needs to get fit.

I regularly endure these bouts of activity when the house shakes to the pounding of her feet and I have to block my ears to grunts, moans and streams of profanity.

In her quest for bodily perfection - or at least the desire not to be winched out of a bedroom window by crane when she dies - she trawls the internet for hints and inspiration in the vain hope that the way to lose weight is to eat whatever you like and never move from in front of the TV. Sadly, no such exercise regime is forthcoming.

She has found a website called Fun and Exciting Ways To Lose Weight. She is very excited by it although I fear a lot of the suggestions are for people considerably younger than she is. She has taken a fancy to the thought of hula-hooping, something she did as a child, apparently. I'm afraid she won't be able to find one big enough to fit round her. It must be difficult to hula-hoop with something resembling a snug belt. (Oh, I'm such a funny cat!)

Other suggestions include twerking (dear God, NOOOOOO), strip aerobics (seriously?) where the idea is to learn moves similar to a striptease and get fit while doing it and belly dancing. I'm hoping she will try the sensible suggestions like swimming, cycling and walking, anything to get her out of the house. 

She's bought something that you pile fruit and veg (urgh) into to make smoothies. I wonder if you can make a smoothie out of prawns and cream? That sounds like delicious cat food to me.

The old man is already in her bad books. He was telling our neighbour that the old woman had already lost 50 pounds. She looked very impressed until he added, "That's what she's spent on some kitchen juicer thing." He'd better watch out or bits of him will be in it.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

No More Little Toffee Cats

I can't be bothered with all this lovey-dovey stuff.

The old man and old woman watched a TV programme about animal instincts last night. The programme mentioned the – ahem – instinct to reproduce. Left to their own devices male cats spray to mark their territory. They fight,  roam for miles and love a bit of howling, the louder the better. So they get the snip. 

So uncouth. Not at all like we refined female cats.

I'm happy to say that they can get the "snip" in order to stop all of the above. I have had the female equivalent so, sadly for the world, there will be no more little Toffees.

I can see the point, I suppose. On the face of it lots more little Toffees with their inevitable devastating charm and beauty sounds appealing - but I don't think I could stand the competition.

In any case, looking after kittens sounds exhausting. I'd much rather be indulging my instincts to sleep, eat and hunt.

If you want more information search: Cat spaying, cat neutering, age to spay a cat, neutering your cat, neutering and spaying, kittens.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat's House Rules

Due to the increasingly lackadaisical attitude of the old man and the old woman, I have had to draw up a few house rules. Other cats who are reading this may want to adopt them for themselves:

1 Every single square inch of the house and garden is a designated sleeping spot should I require it, including all soft surfaces (and, no, you can't make the bed while I am on it) and the top of your head.

2 Don't come home smelling of other cats. If there is any stroking to be done, I am here waiting (if I'm in the mood. I might not be). 

3 You are required to be my door monitor which means you must leap to your feet every time I sit in front of a closed door and open it immediately. It is irrelevant if I then ignore the open door and go back to where I was before.

4 There is no such thing as "your" food. All food in this house is mine. 

5 The bed is mine. Every square inch. If I choose to stretch out in the middle, you will scrunch up on the edge, even if you are in imminent danger of falling onto the floor.

6 You will buy me high quality, expensive toys regularly. I need the boxes they come in.

7 You must provide plenty of entertainment for when I am bored. Feathers on sticks, clockwork mice, balls of all kinds are all acceptable - for me to ignore 99 per cent of the time. But I need them available for the remaining 1 per cent of the time.

8 Do not in any circumstance allow next door's cat any access onto my property. It’s my garden. MY garden.

9 You will provide plenty of scratching posts all over the house, at least two in every room. So I can ignore them and scratch the furniture, the new carpet and your head.

10 Finally, do not assume that you own me. I own you. Body and soul. BODY AND SOUL.

So those are my cat rules and my feline facts. Read them and take note, fellow cats.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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New Cat Food For Toffee

Toffee: Sit down, old woman. We need to talk. 

This new cat food you've given me: 

• Is it of an acceptable quality? 
• Have you read the ingredients list? 
• Have you tasted it? 
• Does it have added vitamins? 
• Is it cheaper than my old food?
• Did it come from a tin, pouch or foil tray?
• Do posh cats eat it?
• Could you put it on a silver plate? 

Old woman: In order of question, Toffee - Yes, yes, no, yes, no, yes, of course, definitely not. You have two choices, Toffee. Take it or leave it. 

Toffee: (Gives old woman withering look and stalks off.)

Half an hour later cat food has "mysteriously" disappeared.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Toffee Cat's Facial Expressions

The old woman was complaining that I only had one expression - and that was "grumpy". It's a lie, of course. I have very many different expressions and I look bright and cheerful in all of them. She's so dim she can't distinguish one from another so I have compiled a handy guide.

Cat expressions are infinitely varied, as you can see.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.