Not So Grumpy Toffee

I have an unjust reputation for being grumpy. I am not. It's just that I know what I want and I want it NOW! I don't suffer fools gladly. Is it my fault that 99 per cent of hoomans are fools? NO!

The old woman told me I have no people skills. I have people skills. It's just that you halfwits and nincompoops don't realise it.

To prove my point, I have included a picture of me smiling. Completely untouched photo, not altered in any way. It's all me.

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You Are Not the Boss of Me

This picture is not of me, obvs, but says all I want to say at the moment.

The old woman is grumbling about some infringement of the regulations she seems to think I have perpetrated.

She continually fails to understand that I am my own feline woman and do not take kindly to reprimands.

If there are any prawns missing from the bowl on the countertop, I cannot possibly admit to being a party to their disappearance.

Now please excuse me while I search out the snack I have hidden behind the sofa...

            

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Toffee's Funny Joke

PURR-PUL. Geddit? I'm so funny.

The old man was watching an old Youtube video of somebody called Richard Pryor and was laughing fit to bust. He's so easily amused, I despair of him sometimes.

Anyhoo, I thought to myself, I can do jokes. I could easily make a career of being a stand-up comedian. In fact, I showed you some of my routine in an earlier post. Have a look here.

Since then I have added another HILARIOUS joke to my repertoire (see picture). Come on, you gotta admit I'm the funniest feline on the planet. (Garfield? Who's Garfield?)

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A Clever Woman From Arkansas

Have a look HERE

One of the old woman's American blog followers (Arkansas Patty at https://thenewsixty.blogspot.com/) posted this lovely review of my book on her blog:

"I know most authors like you to read their book from cover to cover in one sitting. Sorry Toffee but I am savoring you like a fine wine. This book, written in diary form, is very funny and true of most cats. Toffee is a pistol who tells it like she sees it, sparing no feelings.

I read her between heavier books as kind of a mind cleanse. She makes me smile, giggle or just nod my head in agreement while giving Minnie knowing looks.

This is the perfect gift for someone who loves cats or for yourself like I did."

The old woman was extremely pleased and even I managed a smile!

http://bit.ly/wordsbytoffee

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Toffee And The Beautiful View

It was a lovely day with sun streaming in the window. From our house you can look across green fields, across woodland to moorland in the distance. The old man and old woman often stare out and say to each other, "Aren't we lucky to have this view?"

Lucky? They decided to live here, didn't they? They didn't move in and then the view popped up to greet them.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. The lovely day.

So the old woman was staring out, a vacant look in her eyes (usual expression) and says, "Budge up, Toffee, I want to see the view."

I stared back at her. You expect me to move when I am settled here on this exact spot?

I. AM. NOT. MOVING.

Why look at a field, old woman, when you can look at ME!

           

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Toffee Joins The Mika Grace Kelly Tik Tok Challenge

Have you seen that TikTok craze with people singing along to Mika's Grace Kelly song? I've done a video of my own. What do you think?

I can be brown, I can be blue, I can be violet skies - but most of all I can be ginger! Yes, I'm a stunning ginger cat!

            

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More Of A Cat Lady than Catwoman

This is not the old woman, it is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
I repeat, IT IS NOT THE OLD WOMAN.

The old woman is an admirer of Michelle Pfeiffer in her role as Catwoman. She fancies herself in skintight black leather (oh dear God, no!). Unfortunately, she's more of a cat lady than Catwoman. 

So forget the cat suit and the stiletto-heeled boots, the old woman wears trousers with pulled threads - where I've scratched her leg to get attention - and a liberal covering of cat hair. There's no expensive perfume floating around her in a gentle sensual aroma. She smells of stale tuna and Febreze.

Catwoman purrs her words in a seductive growl. Cat lady is either shouting, "Get down from there, you'll break the vase Aunt Winnie gave us," screaming, "Get that mouse out of my house!" or yelling, "EW! I've just stepped in a pile of vomit." (What IS her problem?)

This Cat Lady is Robert De Niro in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

 It is not the old woman, although there is a striking resemblance.

Catwoman's house is state-of-the-art with every gadget imaginable. My cat lady's house has scratched furniture, cat toys strewn around the floor, the occasional pile of cat vomit  and dismembered remains of tiny animals under the sofa.

I'm sure there must be many more differences, but I haven't got time to think of them now, I must go and attract the old woman's attention. My food bowl requires filling. NOW, old woman, not next week. (Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.)

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A Cat's Instincts

Reading my posts you may have thought I don't much care for the old man and the old woman. You couldn't be further from the truth. They are my family so I tease and torment them. But I would throw myself at a rabid Rottweiler to save them. It's instinct.

Instinct explains a lot of  feline behaviour. Domestication of hoomans by cats was largely a success but because of the cat's instinct for hunting and killing, our points of view sometimes differ. For some reason, hoomans don't like cats depositing decapitated mice on the duvet in the middle of the night. Go figure. 

We also have the instinct to communicate. Hoomans are somewhat dim compared to cats and find it hard to learn cat language, although they can understand a few basic commands, like "food", "pet me", "leave me alone or I'll sink my teeth into the closest part of your anatomy" - so that's something. We can understand everything they say. It's just that we mostly choose to ignore it.

Well, people, all this writing has made me exhausted so I am now off to indulge my instinct to sleep.

Night night - for now. I'll be up again at 4am.

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The Healing Power Of Doctor Toffee Cat

Look at this picture, peeps. See, I'm not just a stupendous example of a cat, I am also a healer.

I'm not a bit surprised that I have healing powers. I can feel the healing spirit from the top of my head to the tip of my paws.

However, I sense my old man is not totally convinced. As I lay across his face and purred loudly in his ear, just in case he had some medical problem, he mumbled something like, "Help, get off me,Toffee, I can't breathe!" He's such a fusspot.

Henceforth, I wish to be known as Doctor Toffee.

If you want the scientific explanation, here it is. (My blog is not only entertaining, it is educational and informative too.) 

For centuries, healers have used the power of sound in their work. It is believed that certain frequencies or tones of sound can have varying healing effects on the body. Here are some of the ways that purrs might help humans with health concerns:

• Purring releases endorphins in cats, and it can do the same thing in humans, too. Lowered stress hormones are helpful for healing, lowering blood pressure, and helping people cope with illness, too.
• Cat purring has been shown to fall between 25 and 140 Hz. The same frequency has been shown to aid in the healing of broken bones, joint and tendon repair, and wound healing. Cats are well-known for their ability to heal quickly from their own broken bones, and the incidences of joint problems and bone cancer in cats are low. It's possible that cat purrs can help humans heal faster, too.
• Clinical observations of cats that are suffering from upper respiratory conditions resulting in dyspnea, or trouble breathing, indicate that purring helps the cat breathe more easily. In fact, respiratory distress related to heart disease isn't nearly as common in cats as it is in dogs and humans. A person with respiratory problems might also be able to breathe easier if a purring cat is nearby.
• There are many stories of people with migraines whose headaches are eased or extinguished when they lie with their heads close to purring cats.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. 

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Toffee's Missing Chicken

You find me in a bad mood; a very bad mood indeed. 

When you hear my tragic tale,  you will not be surprised.

This is what happened. Yesterday there was roast chicken for dinner. The old man and old woman gave me a lovely, juicy chunk. Well, I had just snaffled up a big bowl of tuna chunks so I thought I would save lovely, juicy chunk for a bit later.

I dragged it out into the garden and hid it under a bush. When I went out to retrieve said chicken - IT HAD VANISHED.

There on the fence, licking his lips, was Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am part pedigree"), the stupid cat who lives next door. It didn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure out what had happened.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. 

Scary, huh?

Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee. Little twerp.

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