It's All Good Over The Rainbow Bridge

I know, I know - it's been ages since I've written but it's so lovely here over the rainbow bridge that it's hard to find the time, what with treats on demand, unlimited cuddles and all the cat toys you could ever want.

If only the old man and old woman had been as solicitous of my welfare when I lived on earth. Have a look at this, a letter I once wrote to the old man, which will give a clue of what I had to put up with. It's included in my book.

Dear Old Man,

What time are you and the old woman getting home? I’m in danger of starving to death here. That breakfast you left me was eaten by zombies while I was defending the homestead. They must have crept in via the cat flap when my back was turned.

Mice ate all the dry food.

I’m so hungry. My life is hanging by a thread. I need prawns. Pick up a couple of packets on your way home.

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

We’re on our way. So sorry to hear about the zombies and the mice. They are devious little devils, aren’t they? Ha-ha. We don’t need prawns. We have plenty in the freezer. We have to stop at the supermarket to pick up some bread so a treat or two for you may find their way into our basket. Try to hang on for another half an hour before pegging out!

The Old Man

I have a feeling they’re not taking my predicament as seriously as they ought to be. Humph.

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Jelly Babies On The Menu

Dear Old Man and Old Woman

I was tidying the treat cupboard today as you had left it in such a mess after rootling around for choc chip cookies last night. I was not looking for Dreamies, Lick-e-Lix or any other tasty little titbit, you understand; I was purely on tidying duties.

Anyhoo, there was a big pack of something called Jelly Babies. Although I am no fan of babies or any small hooman people, please tell me you haven’t taken to eating them. I’m not squeamish as you know but in my opinion eating babies is a step too far.

My fear is that babies could be a gateway food to cats.

Toffee

 

Dear Toffee

No, silly. Jelly Babies are made of jelly and sugar. They come in the shape of babies and do not include any human ingredients.

I hope this puts your mind at rest. You are perfectly safe from human consumption being somewhat furry and fatty.

The Old Man and Old Woman

 

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

I am glad to hear that no cats will ever be on your menu. While I’m writing, I must draw your attention to a misspelling in your letter. You do not spell fabulous F-A-T-T-Y.

Toffee

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Toffee's Old Woman Misses A Deadline

I'm not sure what a deadline is - to me they are a queue of dead mice in the garden - but the old woman is always frantically typing away trying not to miss one.

They seem to be some strange things that force her to sit at her computer banging away on the keys and swearing a lot when she should be sitting on the sofa petting me. I'm not too keen on deadlines.

Anyway, last week she was mortified to miss one. I caught sight of the email she wrote: 

Dear Sir, I'm afraid my article will be a little late this week due to circumstances beyond my control. 

I don't know what these circumstances were...

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Do Not Bell The Cat, Says Toffee

In the garden, looking for birds.

Dear Old Woman,

I couldn’t help but overhear the woman from number 42 suggesting you put a bell on me so that the birds can hear me coming.

Tell her to mind her own beeswax, the interfering old biddy. I will not be wearing a bell. What does she think I am? A church tower?

Toffee

 

Dear Toffee,

Don’t worry, we won’t be putting a bell on you. There is no need these days. You are no longer as sprightly as you were and I don’t think any birds are in danger – not unless they inadvertently fly into your mouth. Ha, ha, ha!

The Old Woman

 Fly into my mouth? Is she trying to be funny? If so, she’s not succeeding.

(This is from my book of Catty Conversations.)

 Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

Toffee's Empty Bowl

Dear Old Man,

What time are you and the old woman getting home? I’m in danger of starving to death here. That breakfast you left me was eaten by zombies while I was defending the homestead. They must have crept in via the cat flap when my back was turned.

Mice ate all the dry food.

I’m so hungry. My life is hanging by a thread. I need prawns. Pick up a couple of packets on your way home.

Toffee

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

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Toffee's Plant Skills

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

Careful where you step when you get home from work. Zombies have upended that big plant you have just re-potted and scattered it all over the sitting-room. You used rather a lot of compost, didn’t you?

Toffee

Dear Toffee,

Zombies? It was YOU, wasn’t it, you little nuisance! You don’t fool us.

The Old Man and Old Woman

Dear Old Man and Old Woman,

I'm pleading the fifth amendment.

Toffee

(Letter from Catty Conversations: Letters From A Feline Diva).

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Get new posts by email:

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Toffee: Feline Guru

As an experiment the old woman used AI to generate
this picture. What do you think?

Some of you may not be aware that I am something of a guru in the feline world. I often get letters from other cats asking for my advice. The one below is included in my book Catty Conversations: Letters From a Feline Diva.

Toffee’s Advice Column

Dear Toffee,

I admire all that you do, especially when it comes to feline activities around the home. I have followed your lead and have taken to knocking a few things onto the floor, like books, pens, a mug and a couple of ornaments.

My problem is that when I tried to knock the big food mixer off the kitchen counter it was too heavy.

Do you have any recommendations for how to shift heavy objects?

Gerald

Whoa there, Gerald,

The object is to be an endearing mischief maker not a complete barbarian.

You seem to be doing well enough with the smaller stuff. Stick to that so that your people aren’t tempted to swap you for a well-behaved rabbit.

Toffee

Look at this: 

Such a naughty book from the irrepressible Toffee!

Here's her other book: Not So Sweet Toffee

You can follow me on: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. As you can see, I have far too much to say for myself.

Get new posts by email:

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