Monday, 7 November 2022

Toffee's Cardboard Box Complaint


I want a cardboard box like this



Today I had occasion to write a letter of complaint to a cat bed manufacturer. 

Dear Purrfect Puss Beds,

My old man and old woman bought a bed for me from your Deluxe Range. It’s OK. However, I must complain in the strongest possible terms about the box it came in. It is far too flimsy and after only two days’ use it is already badly frayed around the edges and the sides are breaking out.Please send a new box immediately.

Toffee

Can you credit it? This was there UN-believable reply.  

Dear Toffee,

I am glad that you like your new pet bed. We are sorry to hear that the box was not up to your standard but it was manufactured solely for transporting the bed and wasn’t designed to be used afterwards. As it is made of cardboard we recommend that it is put out for recycling.

Purrfect Puss Beds

What a state British industry is in when it cannot even manufacture a sturdy box.

(This letter is included in my next book Letters From A Feline Diva. Will be published soon. Watch this space.)




          
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    Monday, 31 October 2022

    Watch Out For Purranormal Cativity on Halloween!


           
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    Friday, 14 October 2022

    Bedtime for Toffee




    After many years of us living together, the old man and old woman have at last come to accept that the bed belongs to me. I allow them to sleep there because they make good hot water bottles in the cold weather.

    But I do like to have plenty of room. Some mornings as I stretch across the bed to my full length I can hear them muttering as they perch precariously on the edge.

    "How does she do it?"

    "How can something so little take up so much room?"

    Still, they seem to prefer this position to when I save space by sitting on the old man's head or the old woman's chest. 

    It's now 8am and the pair of them are up. I have had a strenuous half hour eating breakfast and performing my morning ablutions. It's all very tiring work so please excuse me while I find a convenient place for a kip. It's clean bedding day so I think I'll settle down on the bed right in the middle of the duvet.





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    Monday, 10 October 2022

    Toffee Nails It





    I am on high alert at all times. Even when I appear to be asleep (see Growling Not Snoring) I am ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. I have to keep my claws honed as sharp as a fishmonger's filleting knife so I sharpen when and where I can - the furniture, the stairs, doors... hooman heads. 

    Not all of these - in fact none of them - seem to be acceptable for some reason, especially the hooman head thing.  I really don't know why when it is fulfilling such a vital function. Hellooo, hoomans, haven't you heard of zombies!

    My old man and old woman provide me with "scratching posts". These are handy if they are right beside me but I'm never going to walk any distance to find one, "any distance" being further than six inches. So until then I will continue my manicures in other places. 

    I've nailed it (see what I did there? Nailed it! I'm so good.)




              
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    Saturday, 8 October 2022

    Toffee's Birds Disappear





    A very strange state of affairs has occurred.

    THERE ARE NO BIRDS IN THE GARDEN.

    There were birds there when I went out this morning but, like something out of The Twilight Zone, they all flapped off into the great blue yonder. Not one remained.

    I have NO IDEA why they flew off. They probably couldn't cope with my level of beauty. Yes, that must be it.

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    Thursday, 6 October 2022

    Ditch The Dungarees



    Bert who painted our sitting-room

    Here's a letter I wrote to the old woman about her work apparel. Sorry, she had to be told. It's just one letter included in my next book due to be printed shortly. Watch this space.

    Dear Old Woman,
    Please tell me you’re not going to work wearing those dungarees? Stick a pencil behind your ear, wear a pair of thick glasses and carry a dripping paintbrush and you’ll look just like Bert who painted the sitting-room.
    Toffee

    Sadly, my admonition didn't work. She called me rude - really don't know why - and replied.

    Dear Toffee,
    I’m not taking them off. I’ll have you know dungarees are the latest fashion statement. All the on-trend fashion websites are writing about them this season.
    The Old Woman
    Yes, old woman, we can only guess what that "statement" is...



              
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    Tuesday, 4 October 2022

    Growling Not Snoring




    The old woman reckons she has caught me snoring in this video. She is wrong. I AM NOT SNORING.

    What I am doing, as she would know if she had half a brain, is emitting periodic low growls to keep zombies away. T    hat's all the thanks I get for preventing her from having her brains sucked out. 

    She already has only half a brain. If it wasn't for me she would have none at all.








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