Toffee And World Cat Day

Cat is not me but is how I feel

Today is World Cat Day. I am not best pleased. In fact, I am furious.

Why? Because on the interweb thingy I found an article called Four Ways To Celebrate World Cat Day and so far my old man and old woman have TOTALLY IGNORED every single point. 

Number One: Give gifts.

I'm waiting. I said, I'm waiting. I have yet to receive any kind of gift. Not even an extra few meaty chunks in my food bowl.

Number Two: Today is not a day for reprimanding your cat.

I have already been told off for walking over the duvet with muddy paws, sleeping on top of the clean laundry, spilling my food in a two foot radius of my bowl, scratching some hideous piece of furniture, biting some hideous hooman, sleeping on the keyboard of the laptop while someone is PRETENDING to work, leaving my toys all over the house etc, etc, etc.

Number Three: Forgo all rights to comfortable sitting/sleeping spaces and let your cat cuddle up wherever they want. 

(See number two re duvet and laundry.) And, I might add, I was dumped off the sofa just because I was sitting on a magazine the old woman wanted to read. And the old man didn't want me sleeping on his head. 

Number Four: Pamper your cat. Groom them endlessly with a soft brush, give them expensive and delicious food, buy them some new toys.

Nope. Nope. And nope. Not a brush, not a prawn and not a toy in sight.

Soooo. I'm plotting my cat revenge. Cue evil laugh...

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Cat Finds A Grass Snake

By the way, picture is not my paw and not my grass snake. 

My snake was deader than a dodo. [Picture posed by model]

I was out and about in the early hours of the morning, roaming around my territory, making sure no interloper was hiding (you know who you are, stupid neighbour cat Rajah) when I spotted a snake in the grass.

This snake though, was going nowhere and hurting no one. It was a dead as a door nail, as dead as a dodo, it was deceased, it was an ex-snake.

I am such a kind and generous cat that I decided to share this grass snake with my old man and old woman. It may have been dead but it wasn't easy wrestling that snake through the cat flap, into the house and up the stairs.

I didn't have time to gift wrap it but I laid it gently on the pillow between the old man and the old woman and prodded them both with my paw to wake them up.

What a kerfuffle! The old woman screamed loud enough to wake the dead (although not quite loud enough to wake a dead grass snake - she should have upped it a few decibels). And the old man started swearing - words I cannot repeat in a family blog. The next thing I knew the snake was flying through the window and landed on the grass near enough where I had picked it up in the first place.

So that was my morning. A load of effort for no return; a gift rejected; and a snake lying dead in the grass.

I'm a funny cat!

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Toffee Cat Samples The Pudding

I don't have a sweet tooth, which is not surprising as cats don't have sweet taste receptors in their tongues (read THIS if you want to know more, See, this cat blog is educational as well as entertaining).

Even so... the old woman made Sticky Toffee Pudding today and I thought I'd  see if it was as disgusting as it looked. To be honest, most of her cooking looks pretty dire - she's not the best cook in the world.

So I had a crafty lick when no one was looking. I have now discovered why it is called  ‘sticky’ toffee pudding because most of it is now stuck to pillows, chairs and my fur. 

I am, indeed, a sticky Toffee. I'm a funny cat!

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Toffee Cat Does Not Have A Big Bum

Me: Does my bum look big in this picture?
Old woman: I’m pleading the fifth amendment.
Me: What’s that?
Old woman: That I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.
Me: So you think my bum is the perfect size.
Old woman: Well……

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Toffee And The Empire State Building

If you’ve been trying to get hold me and I haven’t responded, it’s because I have been busy sight-seeing in New York. My visit to the Empire State Building was interesting. I could see the whole of the city from up there.

The old woman muttered something about me being a monster at the best of times - which I’m taking as a compliment.

I have to confess. I haven’t really turned into a giant cat (shock). This is a photoshopped picture that was shared on Twitter by Michael’s Cat (@michaelscat2).

Some of the comments on the tweet made the old woman laugh:

I welcome our feline overlords.

That's fake....the cat is actually that big.

I will obey them like I would no person ever!! I believe in their magical wisdom.

Best thing to do on Twitter.

Oh! I want that! More to hug.

Catzilla.

Cat Kong.

This was the old woman's favourite: “Correction: You photoshopped the Empire State Building onto your giant cat!”

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Toffee Wants A Sling

I’m trying to persuade the old man to buy one of these. So far he does not seem interested and is happy to dump me off his lap whenever he gets up. Such treatment is unnecessary.

It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a flibbertigibbet. I get settled down and he wants to pee. I settle down again and he needs a snack. I get back on his lap and he decides he wants a cup of tea to go with the snack. Why he couldn't get the both together is beyond me; he is a stranger to forward planning.

I think some kind of sling like the one above would create minimal disruption and if he was careful, wouldn't even wake me up. Come on, old man, get a grip.By the way, not one to blow my own trumpet but… my book (search NOT SO SWEET TOFFEE on Amazon) has had another 5* review. It says: “Toffee has her humans trained well, but they are slow learners and she still has her work cut out I think. They're a work in progress for sure. I found myself sniggering and chortling and I quite embarrassed myself to be honest. But Toffee is a treat! I will not let my cat anywhere near this book, though, as he doesn’t need any new ideas!”

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Toffee Helps With The Gardening

Busy in the garden

The old woman works from home so I'm used to having her under my paws all day. In fact, it's quite handy as I get food on demand. All I have to do is sit beside her desk and meow piteously and she always obliges.

Since this coronavirus thing, though, the old man has been at home too and he's a completely different kettle of fish. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been roaming about getting in the way all day, trying to make me play when all I want to do is sleep.

Luckily he was annoying the old woman so much she set him to work in the garden. He spent all morning digging and then planting seeds in neat rows. I, in an error of judgement I soon came to regret, spent all afternoon digging them up again. How was I to know it wasn't some kind of bizarre hooman game?

My task done, I padded inside to recover from my exertions with a little nap. But then came a yell outside from the old man. ‘Noooooooo!’

I skedaddled and laid low under the bed in the guest bedroom until evening. The old man and old woman must have been worried because they were outside calling me. Naturally, I ignored them. When I finally emerged from my hidey hole they were so pleased to see me they forgot about my earlier transgressions.

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

➨You don't want to miss my next post, do you?  Enter your email address below and you'll be alerted to my next words of wisdom.

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