Toffee Gets Restless

I WAS feeling restless today. I went out and sat in the garden for two minutes but it was cold so I came back in again.

I sat on the sofa for a few seconds and then decided I needed fresh air and it wasn’t really that cold outside.

Once outside, I thought it was too cold after all and came back in. I then paced around for a bit, trying to decide what to do next. I hovered in front of the cat flap and then eyed up the sofa. I hopped on it and then hopped off again. Or should I go and lie on the bed? Or go out and sleep under the rosebush? I got through the cat flap, changed my mind and came straight back in again.

I finally ended up on the doorstep. The best of both worlds.

The old woman had been reading her magazine and watching my comings and goings.

She peered over the top over glasses.

‘You know what Louis Camuti said, don’t you, Toffee?’

Who’s Louis Camuti when he’s at home? And shouldn't he be called Catuti?

The old woman obviously wasn’t going to shut up in a hurry, as per usual.

She said, “Most cats when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously.’ Then she laughed like a drain as if she’d cracked some hilarious joke.

The woman’s an idiot.

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Toffee Is Cool Calm And Collected

You know me, I have the sunniest disposition. What? I do!

But the old woman made me angry this morning when she picked me off her laptop and dumped me on the floor. What is her problem? 

This got me thinking about some of the other things that ruffle my fur so I have kindly compiled a list for you so you can avoid getting "the look".

Things That Make Me Angry

• Sub-standard food: Don't try to fob me off with food from a can or sachet you opened ten minutes ago. It is stale. Don't buy any cheap food. It may be my usual brand but I will know from the first sniff that it was on offer. Don't Buy One Get One Free - you can just BOGOF yourself. Even worse, do not think for one instant that I will deign to take one nibble of a cheap, supermarket own brand.
• Not sharing food: Whatever you have on your plate is of interest to me. Let me have a taste or I will keep annoying you until you do. I may not normally eat cheese, sauces, eggs or pancakes,  but they suddenly taste delicious if I can swipe them off your plate.
• Belly rubs: Belly rubs per se do not make me angry. I will roll on my back to signal that I would not be displeased by a gentle scratch of this region. However, be aware that if you rub my belly for one nano second too long, I will ATTACK. You have been warned.
• Restriction of sleeping places: I get angry when bedroom doors and laptop lids are banged shut as I approach.  Make sure there is always a newspaper laid out on the sofa - so much the better if you are in the middle of reading it and you've just put it down to answer the phone. I get angry when you will not allow me to sleep on your head, right up under your chin so you are immobilised and cannot watch TV, or on your feet or legs so you cannot move. If you stretch your legs out on the sofa, you must expect me to make use of them.
• Any little moving thing: Flies, spiders, mice, birds and those stupid little toys on sticks you shake in front of me are all annoying. To humour you I might play with that toy you seem so ridiculously proud to have bought but be aware that I will shred it when you're not looking. Which leads me to…
• Expensive cat-related objects: It's plain stupid to spend money on objects when you could be buying me premium steak or things that will make my life so much more comfortable. I have a rule: the more expensive the toy, the less interest I will show in it. Hence my preoccupation with cardboard boxes.
• Being ignored: There is no excuse for pushing me away, no matter how gently. Excuses I will not accept: urgent deadlines, need to get the housework done, sudden medical emergency, a bathroom  crisis or meteor falling on the house.
• Loud noises: It may sound like a faint rustle to you but to a sensitive being like me, it is worse than standing next to a pneumatic drill without ear defenders.  I will run off  like a gazelle being chased by a lion and hide in the smallest space I can find until tempted out by plump fresh prawns.

Other things that make me angry include: being outdoors when it's raining, being indoors when it's sunny, too much affection, too little affection, Christmas baubles, ornaments on shelves, tassels, other cats, dogs, strangers, the postman, string, people knocking on the door, being woken up, being stroked (sometimes), not being stroked (sometimes), ribbons, bells and whistles.

So you see, I am a very cool, calm and collected cat. NOT ANGRY AT ALL.

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Toffee And The Green Vase

I'm in trouble again. It was one small leap on to the mantelpiece for me but one giant drop to the floor for a green vase – a hideous thing the old woman was given for Christmas.

She had her sucked lemon face on and talked to me in that ‘this hurts me as much as it hurts you’ voice.

‘Toffee, Toffee, what are we to do with you? Naughty pussycat. Naughty.’

I stalked off, tail held high, arse swaying from side to side, nose in the air - just to show her I didn’t give a damn. The old man met me at the door and bent down to stroke me. He smiled slyly and whispered: ‘I hated that bloody thing.’ Then loudly said to the old woman: ‘Oh no, not that lovely vase!’

By now she was sweeping up the pieces with a dustpan and brush.

‘Yes, darling, I’m afraid it was. I don’t want to ban Toffee from the sitting-room but she’s such a menace on that mantelpiece.’

The old man rubbed my ears.

‘No, we can’t do that. Let’s just make sure there’s nothing breakable on the mantelpiece.’

Why is the male of the species so much more practical than the female?

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Toffee Has A Language Problem

I AM persona non grata yet again, just because humans are not clever enough to learn cat language.

Unfortunately, evolution has not arranged it so we cats have moveable mouth parts and a suitable larynx to talk to humans so we have found other ways to let humans know what we want.

Some of these ways, I concede, humans can find annoying but what's a cat to do? The methods include persistent meowing, throwing up and pressing our heads into faces.

Today I employed the tactic of weaving in and out of human legs to draw attention to the fact that my food bowl was empty. The old man now has a bruise the size of China on his rear end after falling on his arse and I have been banished to the utility room.

Unfair. It’s not my fault you humans have only two legs and are not as stable as we quadrupeds.

The television in the utility room is really boring

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Toffee's In A Spot Of Bother

Got told off by the old woman for scratching a door.

Speak to the paw, lady, speak to the paw.

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Toffee The Wise One

I am so wise.

What?

You wanna make something of it?

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Toffee Does The Housework

I was was in trouble yesterday after an "incident" involving some salmon fillets and my mouth. So, in order to make amends, I have been helping with the housework today.

I started in the sitting-room. I had a quick swish round with my paws, cleaning dust off the shelves - plus books, two ornaments and a stack of DVDs (I know, who still has stacks of DVDs? The old man and old woman think they live in the Middle Ages when it's just that they are middle-aged).

Then there was a tidy round in the kitchen. I cleared off the counters. That was easy although I must admit the pile of broken crockery on the floor looks a tad untidy. Still, there's plenty of worktop space now.

Into the bedroom and I thought I'd iron out the duvet by using the heat of my body. Yes, I lay on it and it was soft, so so soft....zzzzz.

I was awoken a few hours later by the old woman going mad and shouting, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, TOFFEE!"

I thought she'd be pleased.

Nope.

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