Wednesday, 15 January 2020

Toffee Is Cool Calm And Collected





You know me, I have the sunniest disposition. What? I do!

But the old woman made me angry this morning when she picked me off her laptop and dumped me on the floor. What is her problem? 

This got me thinking about some of the other things that ruffle my fur so I have kindly compiled a list for you so you can avoid getting "the look".

Things That Make Me Angry

  • Sub-standard food: Don't try to fob me off with food from a can or sachet you opened ten minutes ago. It is stale. Don't buy any cheap food. It may be my usual brand but I will know from the first sniff that it was on offer. Don't Buy One Get One Free - you can just BOGOF yourself. Even worse, do not think for one instant that I will deign to take one nibble of a cheap, supermarket own brand.
  • Not sharing food: Whatever you have on your plate is of interest to me. Let me have a taste or I will keep annoying you until you do. I may not normally eat cheese, sauces, eggs or pancakes,  but they suddenly taste delicious if I can swipe them off your plate.
  • Belly rubs: Belly rubs per se do not make me angry. I will roll on my back to signal that I would not be displeased by a gentle scratch of this region. However, be aware that if you rub my belly for one nano second too long, I will ATTACK. You have been warned.
  • Restriction of sleeping places: I get angry when bedroom doors and laptop lids are banged shut as I approach.  Make sure there is always a newspaper laid out on the sofa - so much the better if you are in the middle of reading it and you've just put it down to answer the phone. I get angry when you will not allow me to sleep on your head, right up under your chin so you are immobilised and cannot watch TV, or on your feet or legs so you cannot move. If you stretch your legs out on the sofa, you must expect me to make use of them.
  • Any little moving thing: Flies, spiders, mice, birds and those stupid little toys on sticks you shake in front of me are all annoying. To humour you I might play with that toy you seem so ridiculously proud to have bought but be aware that I will shred it when you're not looking. Which leads me to…
  • Expensive cat-related objects: It's plain stupid to spend money on objects when you could be buying me premium steak or things that will make my life so much more comfortable. I have a rule: the more expensive the toy, the less interest I will show in it. Hence my preoccupation with cardboard boxes.
  • Being ignored: There is no excuse for pushing me away, no matter how gently. Excuses I will not accept: urgent deadlines, need to get the housework done, sudden medical emergency, a bathroom  crisis or meteor falling on the house.
  • Loud noises: It may sound like a faint rustle to you but to a sensitive being like me, it is worse than standing next to a pneumatic drill without ear defenders.  I will run off  like a gazelle being chased by a lion and hide in the smallest space I can find until tempted out by plump fresh prawns.

Other things that make me angry include: being outdoors when it's raining, being indoors when it's sunny, too much affection, too little affection, Christmas baubles, ornaments on shelves, tassels, other cats, dogs, strangers, the postman, string, people knocking on the door, being woken up, being stroked (sometimes), not being stroked (sometimes), ribbons, bells and whistles.

So you see, I am a very cool, calm and collected cat. NOT ANGRY AT ALL.


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3 comments:

  1. You are quite reasonable. :)

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  2. Have you talked to our cat Jezebel about food, Toffee? She's become very fussy since our older Tilly passed away. We're thinking she might be bored without perceived competition. Hmmm... Should we get some young cats to keep her on her toes? What do you think? ;) ~purrs~ Be well!

    ReplyDelete