More Of A Cat Lady than Catwoman

This is not the old woman, it is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
I repeat, IT IS NOT THE OLD WOMAN.

The old woman is an admirer of Michelle Pfeiffer in her role as Catwoman. She fancies herself in skintight black leather (oh dear God, no!). Unfortunately, she's more of a cat lady than Catwoman. 

So forget the cat suit and the stiletto-heeled boots, the old woman wears trousers with pulled threads - where I've scratched her leg to get attention - and a liberal covering of cat hair. There's no expensive perfume floating around her in a gentle sensual aroma. She smells of stale tuna and Febreze.

Catwoman purrs her words in a seductive growl. Cat lady is either shouting, "Get down from there, you'll break the vase Aunt Winnie gave us," screaming, "Get that mouse out of my house!" or yelling, "EW! I've just stepped in a pile of vomit." (What IS her problem?)

This Cat Lady is Robert De Niro in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

 It is not the old woman, although there is a striking resemblance.

Catwoman's house is state-of-the-art with every gadget imaginable. My cat lady's house has scratched furniture, cat toys strewn around the floor, the occasional pile of cat vomit  and dismembered remains of tiny animals under the sofa.

I'm sure there must be many more differences, but I haven't got time to think of them now, I must go and attract the old woman's attention. My food bowl requires filling. NOW, old woman, not next week. (Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.)

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A Cat's Instincts

Reading my posts you may have thought I don't much care for the old man and the old woman. You couldn't be further from the truth. They are my family so I tease and torment them. But I would throw myself at a rabid Rottweiler to save them. It's instinct.

Instinct explains a lot of  feline behaviour. Domestication of hoomans by cats was largely a success but because of the cat's instinct for hunting and killing, our points of view sometimes differ. For some reason, hoomans don't like cats depositing decapitated mice on the duvet in the middle of the night. Go figure. 

We also have the instinct to communicate. Hoomans are somewhat dim compared to cats and find it hard to learn cat language, although they can understand a few basic commands, like "food", "pet me", "leave me alone or I'll sink my teeth into the closest part of your anatomy" - so that's something. We can understand everything they say. It's just that we mostly choose to ignore it.

Well, people, all this writing has made me exhausted so I am now off to indulge my instinct to sleep.

Night night - for now. I'll be up again at 4am.

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The Healing Power Of Doctor Toffee Cat

Look at this picture, peeps. See, I'm not just a stupendous example of a cat, I am also a healer.

I'm not a bit surprised that I have healing powers. I can feel the healing spirit from the top of my head to the tip of my paws.

However, I sense my old man is not totally convinced. As I lay across his face and purred loudly in his ear, just in case he had some medical problem, he mumbled something like, "Help, get off me,Toffee, I can't breathe!" He's such a fusspot.

Henceforth, I wish to be known as Doctor Toffee.

If you want the scientific explanation, here it is. (My blog is not only entertaining, it is educational and informative too.) 

For centuries, healers have used the power of sound in their work. It is believed that certain frequencies or tones of sound can have varying healing effects on the body. Here are some of the ways that purrs might help humans with health concerns:

• Purring releases endorphins in cats, and it can do the same thing in humans, too. Lowered stress hormones are helpful for healing, lowering blood pressure, and helping people cope with illness, too.
• Cat purring has been shown to fall between 25 and 140 Hz. The same frequency has been shown to aid in the healing of broken bones, joint and tendon repair, and wound healing. Cats are well-known for their ability to heal quickly from their own broken bones, and the incidences of joint problems and bone cancer in cats are low. It's possible that cat purrs can help humans heal faster, too.
• Clinical observations of cats that are suffering from upper respiratory conditions resulting in dyspnea, or trouble breathing, indicate that purring helps the cat breathe more easily. In fact, respiratory distress related to heart disease isn't nearly as common in cats as it is in dogs and humans. A person with respiratory problems might also be able to breathe easier if a purring cat is nearby.
• There are many stories of people with migraines whose headaches are eased or extinguished when they lie with their heads close to purring cats.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. 

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Toffee's Missing Chicken

You find me in a bad mood; a very bad mood indeed. 

When you hear my tragic tale,  you will not be surprised.

This is what happened. Yesterday there was roast chicken for dinner. The old man and old woman gave me a lovely, juicy chunk. Well, I had just snaffled up a big bowl of tuna chunks so I thought I would save lovely, juicy chunk for a bit later.

I dragged it out into the garden and hid it under a bush. When I went out to retrieve said chicken - IT HAD VANISHED.

There on the fence, licking his lips, was Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am part pedigree"), the stupid cat who lives next door. It didn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure out what had happened.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. 

Scary, huh?

Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee. Little twerp.

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Toffee Finds The Blue Light

This isn't me. The old woman would have to get up early to catch me up to mischief!

Today I discovered that standing on the little blue-light button on the old woman's laptop turns it off.

I walked across it every time she got up from the desk - to get a cup of tea, to get a biscuit, to have a pee, to phone a friend, to answer the phone to a friend, to brush her hair, to switch on the radio… (she has the attention span of a retarded gnat).

She is now convinced it is broken and she and the the old man spent ages trying to ‘mend’ it. But, guess what, it now seems fine. Until tomorrow (evil laugh).

And here's a picture of another clever cat trying to break the password code. It didn't quite work - but it's only a matter of time...

Have a sneak peek at my book via the "look inside" option. No obligation to buy - but why wouldn't you?  Here it is NOT SO SWEET TOFFEE.

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Ginger Cat Appreciation Day

OK, so YESTERDAY was Ginger Cat Appreciation Day. 

YESTERDAY.

Yet again I have been cruelly ignored. No gifts. NOTHING. It's OK. Revenge is a gift best served cold - as cold as the hearts of the old man and the old woman.

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Narrow Squeak for Mouse

I have found yet another thing that the old man and the old woman do not like. They dislike being awoken at 4am by a mouse running over the bed. Strange. 

After all the trouble I went to as well - out in a damp garden running through the undergrowth in the middle of the night. I thought it was a good present that showed my appreciation of the fresh prawns they gave me yesterday.

Seems not. There was initially much shouting and then much running about with a plastic container and a piece of cardboard. They eventually trapped the mouse under the container and slid the cardboard underneath. 

Then - *shakes head in disbelief - they let the mouse go, black in the blooming garden where I'd caught it in the first place. There was zero attempt to play with it, leap on it or throw it up in the air. Hoomans are so weird sometimes. 

That mouse had a narrow squeak, though. Narrow SQUEAK - geddit? Oh, I'm so funny, I should be on TV.

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Have a look at my book here. You can look inside with no obligation to buy.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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