Toffee Joins The Mika Grace Kelly Tik Tok Challenge

Have you seen that TikTok craze with people singing along to Mika's Grace Kelly song? I've done a video of my own. What do you think?

I can be brown, I can be blue, I can be violet skies - but most of all I can be ginger! Yes, I'm a stunning ginger cat!

            

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More Of A Cat Lady than Catwoman

This is not the old woman, it is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
I repeat, IT IS NOT THE OLD WOMAN.

The old woman is an admirer of Michelle Pfeiffer in her role as Catwoman. She fancies herself in skintight black leather (oh dear God, no!). Unfortunately, she's more of a cat lady than Catwoman. 

So forget the cat suit and the stiletto-heeled boots, the old woman wears trousers with pulled threads - where I've scratched her leg to get attention - and a liberal covering of cat hair. There's no expensive perfume floating around her in a gentle sensual aroma. She smells of stale tuna and Febreze.

Catwoman purrs her words in a seductive growl. Cat lady is either shouting, "Get down from there, you'll break the vase Aunt Winnie gave us," screaming, "Get that mouse out of my house!" or yelling, "EW! I've just stepped in a pile of vomit." (What IS her problem?)

This Cat Lady is Robert De Niro in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

 It is not the old woman, although there is a striking resemblance.

Catwoman's house is state-of-the-art with every gadget imaginable. My cat lady's house has scratched furniture, cat toys strewn around the floor, the occasional pile of cat vomit  and dismembered remains of tiny animals under the sofa.

I'm sure there must be many more differences, but I haven't got time to think of them now, I must go and attract the old woman's attention. My food bowl requires filling. NOW, old woman, not next week. (Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.)

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A Cat's Instincts

Reading my posts you may have thought I don't much care for the old man and the old woman. You couldn't be further from the truth. They are my family so I tease and torment them. But I would throw myself at a rabid Rottweiler to save them. It's instinct.

Instinct explains a lot of  feline behaviour. Domestication of hoomans by cats was largely a success but because of the cat's instinct for hunting and killing, our points of view sometimes differ. For some reason, hoomans don't like cats depositing decapitated mice on the duvet in the middle of the night. Go figure. 

We also have the instinct to communicate. Hoomans are somewhat dim compared to cats and find it hard to learn cat language, although they can understand a few basic commands, like "food", "pet me", "leave me alone or I'll sink my teeth into the closest part of your anatomy" - so that's something. We can understand everything they say. It's just that we mostly choose to ignore it.

Well, people, all this writing has made me exhausted so I am now off to indulge my instinct to sleep.

Night night - for now. I'll be up again at 4am.

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The Healing Power Of Doctor Toffee Cat

Look at this picture, peeps. See, I'm not just a stupendous example of a cat, I am also a healer.

I'm not a bit surprised that I have healing powers. I can feel the healing spirit from the top of my head to the tip of my paws.

However, I sense my old man is not totally convinced. As I lay across his face and purred loudly in his ear, just in case he had some medical problem, he mumbled something like, "Help, get off me,Toffee, I can't breathe!" He's such a fusspot.

Henceforth, I wish to be known as Doctor Toffee.

If you want the scientific explanation, here it is. (My blog is not only entertaining, it is educational and informative too.) 

For centuries, healers have used the power of sound in their work. It is believed that certain frequencies or tones of sound can have varying healing effects on the body. Here are some of the ways that purrs might help humans with health concerns:

• Purring releases endorphins in cats, and it can do the same thing in humans, too. Lowered stress hormones are helpful for healing, lowering blood pressure, and helping people cope with illness, too.
• Cat purring has been shown to fall between 25 and 140 Hz. The same frequency has been shown to aid in the healing of broken bones, joint and tendon repair, and wound healing. Cats are well-known for their ability to heal quickly from their own broken bones, and the incidences of joint problems and bone cancer in cats are low. It's possible that cat purrs can help humans heal faster, too.
• Clinical observations of cats that are suffering from upper respiratory conditions resulting in dyspnea, or trouble breathing, indicate that purring helps the cat breathe more easily. In fact, respiratory distress related to heart disease isn't nearly as common in cats as it is in dogs and humans. A person with respiratory problems might also be able to breathe easier if a purring cat is nearby.
• There are many stories of people with migraines whose headaches are eased or extinguished when they lie with their heads close to purring cats.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. 

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Toffee's Missing Chicken

You find me in a bad mood; a very bad mood indeed. 

When you hear my tragic tale,  you will not be surprised.

This is what happened. Yesterday there was roast chicken for dinner. The old man and old woman gave me a lovely, juicy chunk. Well, I had just snaffled up a big bowl of tuna chunks so I thought I would save lovely, juicy chunk for a bit later.

I dragged it out into the garden and hid it under a bush. When I went out to retrieve said chicken - IT HAD VANISHED.

There on the fence, licking his lips, was Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am part pedigree"), the stupid cat who lives next door. It didn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure out what had happened.

I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. 

Scary, huh?

Then I will...

ATTACK...

and peck him into submission. That'll teach him to tangle with Toffee. Little twerp.

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Toffee Finds The Blue Light

This isn't me. The old woman would have to get up early to catch me up to mischief!

Today I discovered that standing on the little blue-light button on the old woman's laptop turns it off.

I walked across it every time she got up from the desk - to get a cup of tea, to get a biscuit, to have a pee, to phone a friend, to answer the phone to a friend, to brush her hair, to switch on the radio… (she has the attention span of a retarded gnat).

She is now convinced it is broken and she and the the old man spent ages trying to ‘mend’ it. But, guess what, it now seems fine. Until tomorrow (evil laugh).

And here's a picture of another clever cat trying to break the password code. It didn't quite work - but it's only a matter of time...

Have a sneak peek at my book via the "look inside" option. No obligation to buy - but why wouldn't you?  Here it is NOT SO SWEET TOFFEE.

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Ginger Cat Appreciation Day

OK, so YESTERDAY was Ginger Cat Appreciation Day. 

YESTERDAY.

Yet again I have been cruelly ignored. No gifts. NOTHING. It's OK. Revenge is a gift best served cold - as cold as the hearts of the old man and the old woman.

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Narrow Squeak for Mouse

I have found yet another thing that the old man and the old woman do not like. They dislike being awoken at 4am by a mouse running over the bed. Strange. 

After all the trouble I went to as well - out in a damp garden running through the undergrowth in the middle of the night. I thought it was a good present that showed my appreciation of the fresh prawns they gave me yesterday.

Seems not. There was initially much shouting and then much running about with a plastic container and a piece of cardboard. They eventually trapped the mouse under the container and slid the cardboard underneath. 

Then - *shakes head in disbelief - they let the mouse go, black in the blooming garden where I'd caught it in the first place. There was zero attempt to play with it, leap on it or throw it up in the air. Hoomans are so weird sometimes. 

That mouse had a narrow squeak, though. Narrow SQUEAK - geddit? Oh, I'm so funny, I should be on TV.

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Have a look at my book here. You can look inside with no obligation to buy.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee Gets An IQ Test

Today the old woman decided to test my IQ with questions she found at AdoptandShop: How Smart Is Your Cat? This is the woman who last week spent an hour looking for her car keys, only to find them in the freezer. Good job it's not her IQ being tested. The result would be "IQ lower than an amoeba's". She didn't tell me what she was doing. If she had, my IQ would have been Mensa level. Obvs. 

Here are the questions:

Exercise 1: Do this exercise in an uncluttered area where your cat can focus exclusively on you. Pick up your cat’s favorite toy. Let your cat get a good long look at the toy and then hide the toy behind a solid item, like a piece of cardboard or a thick piece of paper. Your cat will then probably go looking for the toy behind the piece of cardboard, rather than thinking the toy simply disappeared. This means that your cat has at least the intelligence of an 18-month-old toddler. In fact, cats have the IQ of a 2- or 3-year-old child.

My Response: The old woman has taken Mr Fluffy Bum hostage and tried to hide him behind a shoe box stood on its end. How stupid is she? Why didn't she open the box and put him inside? I don't want to tell a kidnapper how to do their job but, really, she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I leap over the box, grab Mr Fluffy Bum (accidentally clawing the old woman's hand as I do so) and stalk off with him to sleep on the bed.

Mr Fluffy Bum

Exercise 2: Pick up a mechanical mouse, making sure it’s in view of your cat. Place it so it ends up going underneath a piece of furniture, like a chair or your refrigerator. Watch your cat as they watch the mechanical mouse. How your cat behaves is a measure of their intelligence. Your cat will likely watch the movement of the mouse. Does your cat predict with accuracy where the mouse emerges from underneath the piece of furniture? If so, this confirms that your cat has at least the intelligence of a 2-year-old child.

My Response: She's wound up that stupid fake mouse again. Unless it's a real mouse, I don't want to know. I leap on the darn thing and shred it to pieces, accidentally shredding the old woman's other hand in the process.

Exercise 3: Here’s a test you can perform right around mealtime. Take an unopened container of food and place it near your cat’s food bowl. Your cat’s response will be a measure of your kitty’s ability to reason and will provide a little bit of insight into their intelligence level. If your cat is very intelligent, they will look at the food and then at you. They will likely continue looking back and forth at you and the container, waiting for you to serve them the food. Your cat’s intelligence might be a little lower if they ignore the container of food.

My response: The stupid woman has put some meaty chunks beside my bowl and forgotten to open the pouch. Easily remedied. I leap on it and tear it open with teeth and claws. The old woman got her hand a bit too close to the pouch and I accidentally bit her as well. I  realise it's the same flavour I had this morning and stalk off, extremely annoyed. When will she realise my food rules are not to be broken? (Rule 2: You will not serve me the same flavour more than once a day.) 

Exercise 4: This last test only requires your television. Put on a nature show that involves birds. Your cat is showing off their intelligence if they watch the show with interest. How quickly your cat figures out that they can’t catch the birds is another measure of your cat’s IQ.

My Response: Thanks for the reminder old woman. I run across the old woman's hand as fast as I can, accidentally digging my claws in as I go, and run out into the garden. I'm up that bird table like a rat up a drainpipe. Unfortunately, no birds are in evidence today… 

The old woman has tears in her eyes and is walking around with bandages on her hands. Don't know why. 

If you want to read my no-holds-barred diary, look here. 

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*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Gold Medal Winner

Have you been watching the Olympics? The old woman has been glued to the TV (not literally - that would be painful), not realising that she has a gold medal winner in her own  house.

Yes, I iz athlete. To be precise, a gymnast. The floor exercise is my event and I am particularly proud of my double pike.

After an amazing routine of flips, twists, leaps and tumbling, I fall dramatically to the floor for the grand finale.

You're impurressed with my gold-medal winning purrformance in the Purrlympics, aren't you?

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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