Toffee Helps With The Gardening

Busy in the garden

The old woman works from home so I'm used to having her under my paws all day. In fact, it's quite handy as I get food on demand. All I have to do is sit beside her desk and meow piteously and she always obliges.

Since this coronavirus thing, though, the old man has been at home too and he's a completely different kettle of fish. He has the attention span of a gnat and has been roaming about getting in the way all day, trying to make me play when all I want to do is sleep.

Luckily he was annoying the old woman so much she set him to work in the garden. He spent all morning digging and then planting seeds in neat rows. I, in an error of judgement I soon came to regret, spent all afternoon digging them up again. How was I to know it wasn't some kind of bizarre hooman game?

My task done, I padded inside to recover from my exertions with a little nap. But then came a yell outside from the old man. ‘Noooooooo!’

I skedaddled and laid low under the bed in the guest bedroom until evening. The old man and old woman must have been worried because they were outside calling me. Naturally, I ignored them. When I finally emerged from my hidey hole they were so pleased to see me they forgot about my earlier transgressions.

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

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Toffee's Funny Meow

I accidentally did a funny little meow. The old man and old woman meowed back trying to get me to do it again. Went on for ages. Will you tell them two grown people have been meowing at each other for the last 10 minutes, or shall I?

• Have you missed me? I took a few days off after taking part in the A to Z Challenge (there's a list of them on the side somewhere). Twenty-six posts in 26 days. TWENTY-SIX. Nearly killed me. Then someone mentioned I could have completed a load of them in advance - now you tell me...  

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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Toffee Is A Zen Master

[Post written for Z in the A to Z Blog Challenge.]

"Toffee is very zen, isn't she?" said the old woman to the old man as I lay contentedly between them with my head in her lap.

"What the hell does that mean?" he asked. I was wondering that too. If it's nothing to do with prawns, I'm not interested.

She flustered a bit. "It's when, you know, when people - well, and cats - are, you know, like zenlike."

"Clear as mud," he replied.

She proceeded to look up the definition on the internet. "It says here it's a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures," she said triumphantly.

"Still clear as mud," said the old man. "But she certainly 'meditates' a lot if you can call sleeping meditating." He laughed as if he'd said something funny. He hadn't.

I leapt up and raced full pelt to the kitchen, skidding to a halt beside my food bowl. I meowed very loudly to draw attention to the fact that I was in imminent danger of starving to death.

I could hear the old man laughing and then saying, "She's not very zen now, is she?" The old woman sighed loudly as she strode into the kitchen to remedy the error of an empty bowl.

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➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram. 

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Y is for Yoga

He makes it look so easy

I HAVE noticed over the last few months that my normally sleek, well-toned physique has become a little fluffy around the edges. I blame the old man and the old woman (who else) for allowing me too many treats like cheese and sausage off their plates. In an  effort to regain the body of a lean, mean fighting machine, I have taken up yoga.

There are many poses suitable for a fit young girl like me. I don't mind the Crane and the Cobra but I draw the line at the Downward Dog pose. I have my standards.

So here are a few of the poses I have been trying out:

Inhale

Exhale

Balance

And relax...

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

X is for eXperiment

My friend is caught in the act - note contrite expression.

Here is an excerpt about experiments from my book. 'A book?' You ask. 'Has Toffee written a book?' Yes I have!  See adverts all over this blog. Well, I didn't want anyone to miss the fact that I HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK.


In order to increase the sum of human knowledge, I have been investigating the effects of gravity on random objects.

The results of my experiments:

Coffee mug. Will break. Effect: Liquid content will spread and stain pale rug. Secondary effect: The old woman will scream and rush to get the carpet cleaner.

Jar of jam/jelly. Will break. Effect: Floor becomes sticky. Very sticky. Secondary effect: If anyone (*looks innocent) walks through it they will leave jammy footprints all over the house.

Newspaper. Will fall apart. Effect: The old man will bundle it back together again while swearing. Quite loudly. Secondary effect: The old man will start reading an article and become very confused  because he's got the pages in the wrong order.

Glass bowls. Will break. Effect: The old woman will be upset because it was a gift from Aunt Maud. Secondary effect: The old man will do a fist pump because he's always hated it.

Pillow. Will fall and look very inviting. Too inviting. Effect: Zzzzzzzz.Secondary effect: Zzzzzzzz.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Einstein.


My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

W is for Walks

The old man and old woman like to go out for a walk - but just because they like aimlessly wandering about with sweets in their pockets, it doesn't mean I  like it too. I get enough exercise playing and hunting, thank you very much. So I was more than a little surprised when the old woman crept up on me the other day as I was napping on the sofa.

Suddenly, I felt something being put over my head and around my chest. I leapt to my feet, looked down over myself and realised I had been trussed like a chicken in some ill-fitting harness contraption with a lead attached.

‘Come on,’ said the old woman brightly. ‘We’re going for a walk.’

WHAT!

YOU might be going for a walk, lady, I most certainly am not.

She lifted me up and carried me outside. She put me down and gave a little tug to the leash. With admirable restraint I refrained from attacking her legs.

‘Come on Toffee, walkies!’ I walked onto the grass. She tried to pull me forward. I lay down. She dragged me along the lawn.

‘Toffee, stand up. We’re going for a walk.’

I dug my claws into the grass. She tugged harder and dragged me a bit further. I made a run for it, taking her by surprise, and scaled the nearest tree, the harness trailing behind me.

She stood underneath, calling me.

‘Come down, Toffee. It’s OK. You don’t have to go for a walk. I’ll get you some prawns. Don’t stay up there, you might get the lead tangled in the branches.’

The old man, who had been watching from the doorway, reached up, lifted me from the tree and removed the harness. He appeared to be laughing about something. Not sure what.

‘That went well!’ he said to the old woman.

She stared at him, stony-faced, snatched the harness and stalked off indoors.

The old man tickled me under the chin.

‘Come on, girl. Let’s go find some prawns.’

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

V is for Valentine's Day

My old man and old woman are a soppy pair and always celebrate Valentine's Day. This year they swapped presents and went out for dinner. They didn't forget me and I got a card from ‘A Secret Admirer’ and some special cat treats. Not much of a secret as I saw the old woman writing the card and wrapping the present.

Valentine's Day wasn't always so peaceful. The other year the old man decided to scale back a bit on the romantic gifts - gulp! Had he learned nothing after years of living with the old woman?

The day arrived and the old man got a card and some electronic gizmo he’d been dropping hints about for weeks. He was delighted and handed over a present to the old woman. She ripped the paper off excitedly. Then her face fell.

‘A garlic press and an electric tin opener? You got me a garlic press and a tin opener for Valentine’s Day?’

Then his face fell. ‘But you said you wanted a garlic press and the tin opener is electric,’ he said.

She pursed her lips and said coldly, 'I might have wanted a garlic press. But. Not. For. Valentine's. Day.'  She flung the presents at him and stalked out of the room saying: ‘Don’t come near me. Don’t come anywhere near me.’

Then he left too with his wallet clutched in his hand. Later, the house was full of flowers, chocolates and the smell of very expensive perfume. Peace was restored.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.