U is for Understanding

I FEAR I do not sufficiently understand the human race. In an effort to get into the head of the old woman in order to more fully understand the human brain, I sat on her chest while she was asleep in bed and stared. She awoke and pushed me off. 

When she fell back asleep I sat on her chest again and resumed my staring. This happened five or six times until the alarm went off.

‘I’ve hardly slept a wink,’ she told the old man in the morning. ‘That cat’s been creeping me out.’

‘The staring?’ he asked. She nodded.

‘I know,’ he replied. ‘Sometimes She’s like a character out of Nightmare On Elm Street.’

Nightmare On Elm Street? I don't remember seeing a stunning babe of a ginger cat in that. I thought I was more like the cat in the old Disney film The Three Lives of Thomasina, based on the Paul Gallico book Thomasina: The Cat Who Thought She Was God. 

Oh, that's a good idea for a film. Toffee: The Cat Who WAS a God.

Take note, Disney.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

A Tail With a Happy Ending

I was investigating a small scab on my tail. I tried to grab it to have a closer look but my tail flopped just out of reach. You would think it had a mind of its own. I flipped around to try to get from another angle but it flopped again. Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.’

I heard a voice from the sitting-room door.

‘What the hell are you doing, Toffee?’

The old man must have been watching my exertions. I ignored him, pounced and finally managed to capture my tail. I started chewing at the scab.

‘Good Lord, Toffee, what a funny little weirdo you are.’

Weirdo? Who's a weirdo?

This from the man who plucks his nose hairs with his wife’s eyebrow tweezers and sings into his hairbrush with his collar up pretending to be Elvis.

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S is for Snacks

I’ve just heard the old man asking the old woman if she’d seen the cheese and biscuits he’d left on the table.

‘I saw them earlier,’ she said. Then they both looked at me licking my lips while sitting on three crackers.

‘WHAT? You think it was me? Why blame me? I always get the blame. Give me a break.’ 

I could have said more but I was too busy digging pieces of cheddar out of my teeth.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

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Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

R is for Revenge

I am not a vindictive cat (not very...)  but, even so, it's best not to upset me. I can cough up hairballs on cue. I can pretend to be cuddly wuddly and then suddenly attack and I will give you a very stern look if you try to feed me sub-standard food.

I have other devious tips for you cats who want to teach those hoomans  a lesson. For example, the other day I was shut in the utility room just because the old man and the old woman were chasing a mouse around the house. I have NO IDEA where it came from. Ahem.

So, here's an idea for some minor revenge. Sit on the TV remote control and surreptitiously change channels when the hoomans are least expecting it. I did this the other night just as Poirot was about to unmask the murderer.

If you have a cat litter tray you can hijack the car keys and bury them. Your people will spend hours searching for them and only find them, nicely marinated, when they empty the tray. This was tip number two. Number two. Get it? Not sure if Number Two is a reference used outside of the UK. If you don't know what it means, read this in the urban dictionary.

Save some prawns from your dinner (if you can resist eating them) and hide them away where they will get nicely stinky and the hoomans will spend hours trying to find the source of the smell.

These are just three of my tips. Make sure you use them sparingly because a. the hoomans will soon get wise to your tricks and b. you don't want to upset them too much because they're OK really.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

Q is for Quote

There are many quotes extolling the virtues of cats because, let's face it, we are a superior species and adoration is our due.

My favourite is by Mark Twain, a very clever man indeed, not least because he was a cat lover. He said: ‘If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.’

Was there ever a truer word spoken?

The old woman read this quote out to the old man just as I was trying to fit into a small cardboard box and breaking out the sides.

‘I don’t think Twain ever had a cat,’ he mumbled as he glanced at me.

What's that supposed to mean? What is he implying?

The man's a fool.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

P is for Paws

Paw Prints

... and on floors you've just washed, all over the furniture, on windowsills, on clean bedding, on your new white shirt (while you're wearing it), in wet cement, on clean cars, on neatly folded piles of fresh laundry...

Oh, how I love being a cat.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED blah, blah, blah. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

O is for Opening Doors

(Toffee says: This was first published a while ago but there are kittens out there who won't have read my very wise words on the subject of doors. Mums - make sure your young 'uns have completely understood the lessons below.)


GOOD morning, kittens. Today I am going to teach you how to behave around doors.

You are young and at your stage of life probably think you have to wait patiently until your hooman opens a door. So one of the first skills you need to learn is how to get your pet hooman to open the door on command.

After all, you don't want to lose your dignity like the young chap below, do you?

 

Often all that is required is sitting in front of the door and meowing in your most annoying tone of voice. The times I've heard the words, "For goodness sake, Toffee, go outside if you're going to make that racket," before the door is flung open. 

Sometimes your pet hooman is on the opposite side of the door in a room you want to enter. The "annoying meow" tactic may work here too. Sometimes, though, they pretend they can't hear you. In which case you have to proceed to Stage Two. Start scratching the door. For some reason pet hoomans hate this and will rush to open the door before you have done more than make a few marks on it.

Other useful tactics include jumping up at the door handle, rubbing your hind feet on the floor as if you need a "comfort break" and sitting an inch from the door and glaring at it.

If the worst comes to the worst and your pet hoomans are so terminally stupid they don't understand what you want, you can always open the door yourself. This is tricky and will require practice but it's not impossible.

Now pay attention, class. This last module is the most important part of my lesson plan.

If your pet hooman has gone to a lot of trouble to open the door for you - maybe they were in the middle of a phone call, busy doing chores or engrossed in a TV show - it is imperative that as soon as the door is open you turn around and go back into the room.  You can, if you wish, stand or sit in the open doorway and stare out for quite considerable time while they wait (usually impatiently). However, the end result is the same. You end up back where you started from.

My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk

*     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.

            

➨You can follow me on Facebook,  talk to me on Twitter, and idolise me on Instagram.

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