Today the old woman decided to test my IQ with questions she found at AdoptandShop: How Smart Is Your Cat? This is the woman who last week spent an hour looking for her car keys, only to find them in the freezer. Good job it's not her IQ being tested. The result would be "IQ lower than an amoeba's". She didn't tell me what she was doing. If she had, my IQ would have been Mensa level. Obvs.
Here are the questions:
Exercise 1: Do this exercise in an uncluttered area where your cat can focus exclusively on you. Pick up your cat’s favorite toy. Let your cat get a good long look at the toy and then hide the toy behind a solid item, like a piece of cardboard or a thick piece of paper. Your cat will then probably go looking for the toy behind the piece of cardboard, rather than thinking the toy simply disappeared. This means that your cat has at least the intelligence of an 18-month-old toddler. In fact, cats have the IQ of a 2- or 3-year-old child.
My Response: The old woman has taken Mr Fluffy Bum hostage and tried to hide him behind a shoe box stood on its end. How stupid is she? Why didn't she open the box and put him inside? I don't want to tell a kidnapper how to do their job but, really, she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I leap over the box, grab Mr Fluffy Bum (accidentally clawing the old woman's hand as I do so) and stalk off with him to sleep on the bed.
Exercise 2: Pick up a mechanical mouse, making sure it’s in view of your cat. Place it so it ends up going underneath a piece of furniture, like a chair or your refrigerator. Watch your cat as they watch the mechanical mouse. How your cat behaves is a measure of their intelligence. Your cat will likely watch the movement of the mouse. Does your cat predict with accuracy where the mouse emerges from underneath the piece of furniture? If so, this confirms that your cat has at least the intelligence of a 2-year-old child.
My Response: She's wound up that stupid fake mouse again. Unless it's a real mouse, I don't want to know. I leap on the darn thing and shred it to pieces, accidentally shredding the old woman's other hand in the process.
Exercise 3: Here’s a test you can perform right around mealtime. Take an unopened container of food and place it near your cat’s food bowl. Your cat’s response will be a measure of your kitty’s ability to reason and will provide a little bit of insight into their intelligence level. If your cat is very intelligent, they will look at the food and then at you. They will likely continue looking back and forth at you and the container, waiting for you to serve them the food. Your cat’s intelligence might be a little lower if they ignore the container of food.
My response: The stupid woman has put some meaty chunks beside my bowl and forgotten to open the pouch. Easily remedied. I leap on it and tear it open with teeth and claws. The old woman got her hand a bit too close to the pouch and I accidentally bit her as well. I realise it's the same flavour I had this morning and stalk off, extremely annoyed. When will she realise my food rules are not to be broken? (Rule 2: You will not serve me the same flavour more than once a day.)
Exercise 4: This last test only requires your television. Put on a nature show that involves birds. Your cat is showing off their intelligence if they watch the show with interest. How quickly your cat figures out that they can’t catch the birds is another measure of your cat’s IQ.
My Response: Thanks for the reminder old woman. I run across the old woman's hand as fast as I can, accidentally digging my claws in as I go, and run out into the garden. I'm up that bird table like a rat up a drainpipe. Unfortunately, no birds are in evidence today…
The old woman has tears in her eyes and is walking around with bandages on her hands. Don't know why.
If you want to read my no-holds-barred diary, look here.
* * * * * * *Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.