"You looking for a belly rub?" asked the old man. I wriggled. "OK then, girl."
I allowed a couple of strokes - then I attacked his hand.
"Ow! I'm going to swap you for a gerbil!" he shouted.
Monday 13 December 2021
Monday 6 December 2021
Toffee's Big Decision
I had an important decision to make today. Should I present that mouse I had hidden in the garden to the old man and old woman at 2am or 5am?
I decided on 5am. I expect they were grateful for the gift and the opportunity to get an early start to the day. Timing is all.
Monday 29 November 2021
Toffee Is Training For Christmas
None of these little tree wreckers is me! It's not that I
wouldn't be so naughty but that I would never get caught!
wouldn't be so naughty but that I would never get caught!
Hooray! Christmas is coming. The old man and old woman haven't yet put up the tree but I can't wait. I want to see if I can break my previous record of wrecking it in 5mins 6secs.
I've been in training for the big day. This morning I swatted a vase off the bookshelf. The old woman was furious. I may be a cat but I'm in the dog house.
I don't know why she was so upset. It was a hideous vase so I've done her a favour.
Tuesday 23 November 2021
Not So Grumpy Toffee
I have an unjust reputation for being grumpy. I am not. It's just that I know what I want and I want it NOW! I don't suffer fools gladly. Is it my fault that 99 per cent of hoomans are fools? NO!
The old woman told me I have no people skills. I have people skills. It's just that you halfwits and nincompoops don't realise it.
To prove my point, I have included a picture of me smiling. Completely untouched photo, not altered in any way. It's all me.
Tuesday 16 November 2021
You Are Not the Boss of Me
This picture is not of me, obvs, but says all I want to say at the moment.
She continually fails to understand that I am my own feline woman and do not take kindly to reprimands.
If there are any prawns missing from the bowl on the countertop, I cannot possibly admit to being a party to their disappearance.
Wednesday 10 November 2021
Toffee's Funny Joke
PURR-PUL. Geddit? I'm so funny.
Anyhoo, I thought to myself, I can do jokes. I could easily make a career of being a stand-up comedian. In fact, I showed you some of my routine in an earlier post. Have a look here.
Since then I have added another HILARIOUS joke to my repertoire (see picture). Come on, you gotta admit I'm the funniest feline on the planet. (Garfield? Who's Garfield?)
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Sunday 7 November 2021
A Clever Woman From Arkansas
Have a look HERE
One of the old woman's American blog followers (Arkansas Patty at https://thenewsixty.blogspot.com/) posted this lovely review of my book on her blog:
"I know most authors like you to read their book from cover to cover in one sitting. Sorry Toffee but I am savoring you like a fine wine. This book, written in diary form, is very funny and true of most cats. Toffee is a pistol who tells it like she sees it, sparing no feelings.
I read her between heavier books as kind of a mind cleanse. She makes me smile, giggle or just nod my head in agreement while giving Minnie knowing looks.
This is the perfect gift for someone who loves cats or for yourself like I did."
The old woman was extremely pleased and even I managed a smile!
Friday 5 November 2021
Toffee And The Beautiful View
It was a lovely day with sun streaming in the window. From our house you can look across green fields, across woodland to moorland in the distance. The old man and old woman often stare out and say to each other, "Aren't we lucky to have this view?"
Lucky? They decided to live here, didn't they? They didn't move in and then the view popped up to greet them.
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. The lovely day.
So the old woman was staring out, a vacant look in her eyes (usual expression) and says, "Budge up, Toffee, I want to see the view."
I stared back at her. You expect me to move when I am settled here on this exact spot?
I. AM. NOT. MOVING.
Why look at a field, old woman, when you can look at ME!
Sunday 24 October 2021
Toffee Joins The Mika Grace Kelly Tik Tok Challenge
Have you seen that TikTok craze with people singing along to Mika's Grace Kelly song? I've done a video of my own. What do you think?
I can be brown, I can be blue, I can be violet skies - but most of all I can be ginger! Yes, I'm a stunning ginger cat!
Tuesday 19 October 2021
More Of A Cat Lady than Catwoman
This is not the old woman, it is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.
I repeat, IT IS NOT THE OLD WOMAN.
I repeat, IT IS NOT THE OLD WOMAN.
The old woman is an admirer of Michelle Pfeiffer in her role as Catwoman. She fancies herself in skintight black leather (oh dear God, no!). Unfortunately, she's more of a cat lady than Catwoman.
So forget the cat suit and the stiletto-heeled boots, the old woman wears trousers with pulled threads - where I've scratched her leg to get attention - and a liberal covering of cat hair. There's no expensive perfume floating around her in a gentle sensual aroma. She smells of stale tuna and Febreze.
Catwoman purrs her words in a seductive growl. Cat lady is either shouting, "Get down from there, you'll break the vase Aunt Winnie gave us," screaming, "Get that mouse out of my house!" or yelling, "EW! I've just stepped in a pile of vomit." (What IS her problem?)
This Cat Lady is Robert De Niro in a Saturday Night Live sketch.
It is not the old woman, although there is a striking resemblance.
Catwoman's house is state-of-the-art with every gadget imaginable. My cat lady's house has scratched furniture, cat toys strewn around the floor, the occasional pile of cat vomit and dismembered remains of tiny animals under the sofa.
I'm sure there must be many more differences, but I haven't got time to think of them now, I must go and attract the old woman's attention. My food bowl requires filling. NOW, old woman, not next week. (Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.)
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