Get this woman away from me.
I like my food and I especially like nibbles. You know, those little treats between meals, like the odd prawn thrown in my direction, or a small bit of cheese.
The other day the old woman was watching a Youtube video on how to make nibbles for your cat. My heart sank. She can hardly boil an egg so what made her think she could rustle up "nibbles"? She started with something called fish balls. By the time she had gone out to buy fish, she could no longer find the video.
‘I’ll wing it, Toffee,’ she said. Oh, dear God, no. She spent ages staring at the fish. He stared right back with a pair of glassy eyes. Then she began to chop. Never in my life have I seen such carnage - and I am someone who butchers tiny creatures on a regular basis.
‘Who’d have thought fish had so many bones?’ she said. Yes, who’d a-thought…? I put my paw over my eyes. She put the fish on to boil and a vile smell crept over the kitchen, like a cross between week-old prawns, damp towels and smelly socks. She went a bit green and opened the back door as wide as it would go.
‘Bet you love the smell, don’t you, Toffee?’
I rolled over onto my back with my four legs rigid in the air.
‘Oh, very funny, Toffee.’
The fish was soon cooked. She let it cool, chopped it up and rolled a small portion. The ball fell apart. She rolled it up again. It fell apart again.
‘Mmm, I can’t really use a binding agent as you shouldn’t eat things like flour, Toffee. I might just keep it as it is.’ The fish sat in the dish, pale and collapsed, smelling even worse than it did in the saucepan if that were possible.
"Maybe it needs more cooking." She gathered up the fish into a bowl, and popped it into the microwave. After five minutes the microwave went ‘ding’ and she pulled out a dish of rubber pellets.
She set about cleaning up the kitchen as the rubber pellets cooled.
The old man came home and inspected her afternoon’s work. He glanced in my direction. I looked at him with imploring eyes.
He turned to the old woman. ‘Why don’t you go and have a rest while I feed Toffee?’
When she left the room, he swept the fish carnage into the bin and opened up a pouch of rabbit in gravy.
‘There you are, girl. It’ll be our secret.’
I love that man sometimes.
My blog That's Purrfect is also in the A to Z Challenge. Read it here www.thatspurrfect.co.uk
* * * * * * *Well, I've finally done it. I have written my no-holds-barred exposé of my life. Prepare to be AMAZED, prepare to be SHOCKED, prepare to be ENTHRALLED. Left is the paperback, right is the Kindle version.