Monday, 10 December 2018

Toffee's Tips On Being Top Cat




The old man and the old woman have been really busy lately, attending to family matters and working full-time, so they have not lavished as much attention on me as they usually do.

When I adopted them I knew I would have to take the rough with the smooth. I could, if wanted, get up from the comfy bed, side-step the tuna chunks and exit through the cat flap to find pastures new. But I have invested so much time in training these two that I don't think I can be bothered starting from scratch with another *pet.

*slave

Anyway, when I was a young cat-about-town I disappeared for a couple of days, I came back to find posters put up all over the area saying, "Have you seen this cat?" I wouldn't have minded but the photo they used of me didn't even feature my best side. And, really, did they have to tell everybody that I had a small bald patch on my tummy? Totally humiliating. Honestly, you can't trust them to do anything right.

At least they didn't put up a poster like the one below.



When the *pets are in the house, I try not to leave them alone for too long as they are prone to  bad behaviour, like drinking too much beer and wine, watching too much TV, reading books and talking on the phone for hours to their friends and family. I have to nip this mischief in the bud by crawling all over them, demanding attention and keeping them busy with things like removing a half-chewed mouse from under the sofa.

*slaves

I also keep them busy by walking over the fresh laundry with muddy feet, hiding vital accessories like car keys and shedding hair over their furniture, clothes and pillows.

Despite all these measures, the pets still sometimes misbehave so you have to discipline them. Firm but fair, is my motto. One method is lie enticingly on the sofa with your stomach exposed, begging for a rub. Let them tickle you for a short while and then GRAB! While they are screaming, say YOU. WILL. NEVER. GIVE. ME. CHEAP. OFFAL. CHUNKS. IN. JELLY. AGAIN. Sadly, humans are not the most intelligent species on the planet and this tactic may or may not work. Frankly, I don't care, I just like doing it.

A word to my fellow felines, these are tried and trusted methods to get you back on top spot as numero uno in their life.



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